Sgt Wilbur’s Lonely Heart’s Club Band

Every now and then one sits back and something comes along that’s just so dog gone entertaining you can’t just let it pass by. First, a little background. Anyone ever hear of Nigeria. Well, that’s the ultimate “N” word if there ever was one. That country is so corrupt it would make Al Capone shake in his shoes. They wouldn’t know what the rule of law is if someone handed it to them in a paper bag. And Internet scams abound. Think about this. A place so crooked they named a scam after it. Poor France only had a fried potato named after it. Anyway, there is one particular scam that is my favorite. Folks, I have a GIRLFRIEND!

It goes like this. Couple days ago a lady asked to friend me on Facebook. Now, I’m sixty-three, well past my prime, been married a half dozen times or so, therefore I take anything I can get, so I accepted. I do have guidelines. They have to be human and I prefer them not to be sporting an oxygen bottle. Anyway, she thanked me, and frankly I didn’t think much of it. Then the PMs started rolling in. My Spidey sense wasn’t on at the time so I answered in a fairly civilized fashion. Her messages were articulate, but I noticed that right away she told me she was searching for a “soulmate.” Then she wanted to text me on my phone and sent me her number, which was based in Riverside, California. Ok, that’s cool. But, I noticed her “location” was now Washington, DC according to her Facebook profile, an account which disappeared fairly quickly after our first contact. She explained to me that she was a woman of wealth, recently divorced, and she was an international antiques dealer. Friends and neighbors, I wasn’t born yesterday, and I wasn’t born in the dark! I CALLED the number, and naturally it was not receiving calls at that time. Now, for the uninitiated, the reason for this is these numbers have two purposes. First, of course, for texting. After the initial contact the scammer will move on to text or email, blocking or removing the original Facebook page so they can set the trap for the next loved one Then next is to provide some kind of assurance to the “mark” that the owner of the number is in country. There will never be an answer at the other end because if that should ever happen the idiot will very quickly display a gender problem. Oh yeah, it’s a dude!

Ok, so at this point I’m becoming aware that this is most likely not going to be Mrs. Wilbur number three, but let’s add something else to,the mix. I’m an asshole. That, and it being a holiday weekend, I’m sitting in my beautiful home with an unlimited supply of Jim Beam and cigarettes! The prose from Facebook to text to email shifts wildly. Shift is the key word here. As the shift change comes about over yonder one will quickly realize that they are dealing with not one, two or possibly even three individuals. You can even time their breaks if you know time zones and watch for changes in style. They have pre-written emails, which are usually well written but shallow. The emails I began to receive we’re chock FULL of declarations of undying love for me! No matter what I wrote back more flowery letters would return. Then, of course, my “friend” wanted to converse with me on Yahoo Messenger. I have several Yahoo accounts and I have one in particular for just this kind of thing. Uh, I’m an elderly, lonely, wealthy widower.

Let me now introduce you to something called “Translation Software.” The job of this little jewel is to enable the sender to converse on text in a language that they are totally unfamiliar with. This software doesn’t pick up on slang, and most CERTAINLY doesn’t decipher TEXAN! After quite a few slip ups on the other end, including very long response times (as the software does its thing) I decide to do my litmus test for the Nigerian Scam. It goes like this.

The scammer does realize that it is an American holiday. Also, they are fully aware that anyone hanging on their every word is most likely alone and elderly. So, it only goes to follow at some point they will ask, “What are you doing tonight?” They expect a short reply, easily figured out by the computer whereupon they can enlist any one of a number of provocative answers designed to pump up the blood pressure of the lonely old fool on the hook. Well, THIS lonely old fool is sitting on a leather couch with Frenchi and a cocktail,
but I digress. When asked the question I respond, “I’m running down to Austin to pick up a couple grams. We have three high school cheer leaders locked up in a bedroom, and I’m going to smoke up their brains and have a me and my friends throw a gang bang.” Now please bear in mind the only thing the translation software picks up clearly is the word “friends!” After the usual delay I get, “So glad you have friends there!” Ruh Roh!

Now my friend must move to phase two. Since “she” is an international antique dealer she must make a trip to purchase products for her many outlets, and of course, the only place such items may be obtained is none other than, you got it . . . NIGERIA! (This is my surprised face!) She is departing today and will communicate with me after arrival in that country. Now here’s how the sting works. Never mind that I have made it abundantly clear that I’m too broke to pay attention, she has looked at my Yahoo profile, and is foaming at the mouth, picking out new cars My new friend will spend about a day or so texting me and then disaster will strike! It will be anything from being robbed to complications with export taxes for purchased items. He/she/it will ask me to send money via Western Union to assist, which will of course be given back upon return to the states, whereupon we will get married and live happily ever after!

These people invariably work out of Lagos. Very big seaport town! Bad traffic, crowded streets, the whole nine yards. The way the scam is supposed to come to fruition is a MoneyGram is sent and is picked up at any one of MANY outlets. Here’s the part being an asshole helps. I have a Western Union MoneyGram claim number that is as dead as fried chicken! That’s the claim number I send to the love of my life. Now, let’s drop all pretense. HE will dispatch a runner from the call center ( that’s right, this is run like a business) to the nearest location to pick up the loot. Naturally, the number won’t work, but remember, we’re not dealing with rocket scientists here. I just told this idiot I was about to commit not one but THREE felonies designed to put me in jail until Jesus came back and was told, “Cheery-o!” They will assume the first place is simply broken and will proceed to bounce all over town trying to cash in. Oh yeah, I always make the amount around ten thousand dollars to peek interest. Now this is a little like looking for a brisket sandwich in Manhattan on a rainy night, ok? Usually takes about two days and a couple tanks of gas before I get the obligatory text, “Why you do this me you no love me long time!” At this point I do explain to the scammer that he has been had. They never understand plain English and will rant and rave continuously before moving on to the next mark. Then, in about six months or so, I’ll get yet another friend request on Facebook. Ennie, meanie, minie, mo . . . Catch a Nigerian by the toe . . .

Liberal Apples and Conservative Oranges

I just love it when people apply labels to me. Heck, better than that, I really love it when people put labels on themselves. You see, that’s the problem with labels. Once you subscribe to one you have to BE that label, and the definitions change so you have to keep abreast of the current status quo. A girl friend of mine, that’s girl FRIEND, not girlfriend, defined by touch, don’t touch, but I digress, a girl friend of mine tells me I am a conservative Republican. She considers me a gun toting, beer drinking, missionary sex type of guy who hates on everyone darker than me. I guess that means when I’m in California and get a tan I can include more friends. Also I simply must hate all immigrants. For the record I love half of the Mexicans because common sense tells me at least half of them simply must be women. I do drink beer, but prefer martinis. Uh, straight up martinis, not those apple juice concoctions the Yankees drink and call themselves sophisticated. I do have a gun. The missionary sex thing. Well, all depends on what she weighs. And I AM sixty-three now.

When I meet a young liberal chick the conversation usually turns to politics. Abortion, gay rights, guns, you name it, and what I really want to say is, “Hey, baby, we’re like, in a BAR, and you are a young, liberal minded, healthy DRUNK woman . . . aren’t you supposed to pay my tab, go to a hotel and rock my world?” They never do, of course, because for all the liberal nonsense they turn into rejuvenating virgins whenever you suggest they act like a woman. And with all the new twists and turns in rape laws these days I never have sex unless I have a signed contract and two witnesses in the room during the consummation.

Actually I’m not conservative or liberal, I’m just me. I wouldn’t date a man, but I’d probably marry three girls if I legally could. I support open carry, but I probably won’t do it because it’s uncomfortable doing so. Ever carry a gun on your hip? Well, there you go. I don’t wear cowboy boots either. I have many black friends but have never dated a black chick because I like short, white, young blondes. At the age of eight I fell in love with Tinker Bell and it stuck. Did you ever consider Tinker Bell being full sized and real? What to do with the wings during sex. Ok, I’m a little weird, live with it! Wonder if I can find a Tinker Bell costume . . .

Actually, I’m too old to chase women anymore. Two reasons: One, I don’t have that kind of energy, and two, I’ve already caught several in my lifetime and divorces are so traumatizing. I can’t get along with any woman for any substantial period of time. The reason being that I like to get up in the morning and do what *I* want to do. You get a girl and she says, ” What are you going to do this morning?” to which you reply, “I was thinking a cup of coffee on the porch, and reading the news,” and she says, “But you promised ME Starbucks!” Well, there you go. Half your freedom right out the window. And don’t EVEN try to have drinks on the patio. Bear in mind you picked this chick up in a bar, but the moment she moves in it’s, “Are you just going to sit there with a Martini all night?” Well, uh, YEAH!

Frenchi is the perfect girlfriend. First she’s street legal. Always nice not to post a fifty thousand dollar bond for taking a shower. Next, she is drop dead gorgeous, which is a plus at sixty three. Now I like older women, I just don’t like to touch them. She always has her own money, and that’s a biggie. Finally, she’ll hang around for a bit, and then she’ll get on Facebook, find some guy, pick up her backpack and she’s out the door until next time! The PERFECT woman. Oh, and she always catches the dishes before she leaves.

Now the above is as cock-eyed a lifestyle as you can get, but my friend still tags me as “conservative.” She considers herself to be a flaming liberal. One day I’ll run a few martinis through her and see what pops up. Until next time, same BAT time, same BAT channel . . . Boy! Did I just date myself with THAT one!

Wine, Beaches and Two Solo Cups

Wine, Beaches, and Two Solo Cups

I’ve never thought of myself as a lady’s man, in fact I’m about as far from a jock as you can be and not be gay. After the events at Santa Barbara I picked up on several news clips and articles talking about the killer’s lack of success with women drove him to kill and the empathy for his situation finally building up to where nerds were saying they “understand” the pressure the man was under.

Let me start out by saying women are human beings. They are not organic based devices that have magic buttons where, when pushed in the proper sequence, their clothes fall off. That’s what all these dating sites and so-called experts would have you believe. I listened to an idiot (yeah I’m talking about you, Jay) who convinced me to go to POF (Plenty of Fish.) I was truthful on my input of facts about myself and got plenty of whales . . . OLD whales!

So this guy couldn’t get laid by twenty two. I didn’t get laid until twenty and even then I had to get married and make an appointment. She allowed me access on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but I had to keep it to three minutes. Even to this day when guys are talking about some chick that’s easy I’m always the one she missed. I have no style. The best I can do is be a gentleman and that way when I strike out I can always play it off as being polite and respectful. Frankly I’m afraid of girls in Killeen. There are so many STDs in this town you have to find a girl young enough so that she’s not that experienced, but then there’s a catch 22 because there are laws about touching girls that young.

My best advice is to know for every nerdy guy there is a nerdy girl. For every guy who is worried about the size of his penis there is a flat chested girl out there who is right for him. I’ve been married five, no six times. One more and I’ll have used up all the tags on my Dear License. I really don’t want to get married again because I love getting up in the morning and doing what the hell *I* want to do. I don’t worry about relationships because I have a dog and I have to much fun watching young guys worming through THEIR relationships.

So don’t tell me that some guy tooling around SoCal in a BMW with an apartment and money in the bank couldn’t find a girl. Osama Bin Laden could find a date in Ocean Side with a bomb in each hand. I’m the worse, clumsiest, ED victim on the planet, and if you put me on a beach in California with a bottle of wine and two solo cups I will get laid!

Labels

Labels
by Wilbur

Labels are always dangerous. Things like “liberal,” “conservative,” “feminist,” and anything to do with sexuality are huge imaginary vats that people are poured into and once there the membership to the group becomes more important than the ideas that formed the group in the first place.

There is nothing wrong with being a liberal so long as one does not let the mindset of “liberal” negate common sense. Being liberal means simply trying new ideas, but when a theory fails you need to accept it and fall back to tried and true methods until you come up with something better. Theoretically you can drive a nail through glass, but if that doesn’t work you must consider the more conservative alternative of a drill.

The liberal demigods saturate their devoted followers with mindless mantras and the minions do not even care how outrageous the idea is, they will follow it blindly so long as it is “liberal” and they are in step with the group. The problem they have is trying to sell these ideas to people who hold to tried and proven methods and actually think.

Hitler said that if you tell a lie, no matter how large, and you repeat it often enough, the masses will accept it. Let’s take one such lie and analyze it. When Rowe vs Wade came about the original soft sell was a service for victims of rape. Also, it supposedly would bring the procedure would be safer because it would be brought out of the alleys and into the hospitals. Then it was expanded to include women who had health issues that may endanger their lives should they give birth. May be to hard on their heart. You know the theory. And giving birth is certainly much more rigorous than say, orgasm, but I digress.

Eventually, the word, “abortion” was largely discarded, being replaced by the kinder, friendlier, “termination of pregnancy.” You see, when you commit genocide you must first dehumanize the victims so as to desynthisize the general public so they casually accept the act. Hitler didn’t murder Jews he had a “final solution” to Germany’s economic problems.

Then, just in case there are questions you make sure that the lemmings understand that conformity to the group philosophy is the most important thing, indeed, at this point, even more important than individual thought, or conscience. Jews are not Aryan, unborn babies are not human, so you see?

Remember the reasons for abortions in the first place? Let’s expand that a little more. With DNA and genetics we can now try to predict the possibility of an unborn child having a health condition, and we can save everyone a lot of trouble by just ending that pregnancy right away. We, at this point are still within a health related circle, more or less, but no genocide is complete unless it includes as many victims as possible. Enter social services and Planned Parenthood. Some children may have a hard life. The parents have a spotty record, possibly even drug abuse. A child born into such conditions would certainly have a difficult time growing up. As would the child of a migrant worker in the south of Texas, or Harlem. Children born in Beverly Hills would not have these problems for the most part. There is a huge gap between poor children and heirs.

The other problem with mantras and grouping is that in invariably expands what is basically a minority idea into to appearance of a majority opinion. Under normal conditions abortion would never even be discussed in a household. If a teenage daughter came home pregnant the most extreme thing that would hit the table would be adoption because the very thought of ending the life of a grandchild would benumb them. Only by the injection of a huge organization chanting would normal people even think of such a thing. Still, if the people just take a breath and step back two steps and forget the mantra it all becomes very clear.

So what is the solution for this issue? Individual thought! How liberal is that? Make up your own mind. Say to yourself, “Ok, I know it’s my body but this just doesn’t sound right. I don’t like the idea of Jewish bankers but I’ll just bank somewhere else. I don’t like gay marriage but they don’t live in my house!” Being Libertarian means live and let live. During a heated discussion someone once told me, “Admit it! You find gay sex disgusting!” I find all sex disgusting unless I’m the one doing the sexing. Such considerations have nothing to do with politics.

Mantras are always bad, and always wrong. A one line sound bite will not fix anything. If that philosophy worked then shoe stores would only sell one size. If you are liberal you simply must, by definition, accept new alternative ideas. If someone throws something on the table that is sound you should consider it, not retreat to tired old quotes contrived by someone far from you with a limited agenda and a huge bank account.

Romeo and Julliette

Romeo and Juliette
by Wilbur Witt

“I don’t know! You hear me,” the man spoke into his cell phone, “I’m just here, and that’s all I know. ”

“When will I ever see you again?”

“Look, you keep asking the same questions, and I keep telling you the same thing. I told you I’m here, that’s it, probably for a while, and you calling me ten thousand times, blowing up my phone ain’t gonna change that! That’s why I get mad at you. You got me mad right now. I don’t want to be with you. Maybe you stop calling me all the time and after I work this out I’ll call you, but you gotta let me do it. Had to leave the house to talk to you. Walking in circles cause I don’t want no one to hear me arguing with you.”

“I just love you. Maybe I could come up there.”

“Are you crazy? I ain’t got enough shit in my life without you popping up?I got all this shit, and now you gonna just pop up?”

“You always so mean to me.”

“Mean? I’m mad ’cause you won’t let me breathe. I can’t keep my phone charged, now I’m walking in circles ’cause I don’t want my family to hear me arguing with you! You saying same thing over, and over, and over again, and ain’t shit I can do about it. You just keep on! If I hang up you’ll just call back ten thousand times. I’m so mad right now, and you keep me that way. Maybe you just let me be and we can work this out, ok?”

“I call cause I love you.”

“Well show me that love by giving me some space. Let me work this thing. Shit! Now there’s somebody staring at me! You done that. I’m looking so much like a fool somebody’s scoping me!”

“Who is it?”

“I don’t know. I ain’t from here? See, there you go again, with more dumb ass questions. You’re just pissing me off more.”

“You don’t know them?”

“Hell no! Some creepy-ass cracker . . .”

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The Wrath of a Judge

The Wrath of a Judge
by Wilbur Witt

The case of the eighteen year old girl in Florida accused of lewd conduct with a minor is not unusual, nor is the young lady being singled out for her same sex activity. Facts of the case are simple. These two hooked up when both were minors, continuing their romantic activity after the older girl became an adult. The parents of the younger girl, after expressing their discontent over the liaison, went to the authorities and filed charges. Now, at this point all the red flags start flying, and the whole gay thing comes to the front, but that wasn’t the entire issue.

The judge, in a commendable act of common sense, agreed to conditions and stipulations pertaining to this unique circumstance. The elder girl was to be released on bail, waiting to be placed on probation with the express order from the judge NOT to contact the minor any more! Now I’m just a simple ol’ boy from Austin, but if a district judge tells me to go crap in the hall I’ll swing by the restroom to pick up a roll of toilette paper and head for the hall. This over-sexed little Hottie (and she is hot folks) just couldn’t keep her estrogen down to a manageable level, sending thousands of text messages to the minor, including what I understand to be some very nice pictures.

The good news is she looks sexy even in orange, the bad news is that knot between her eyes where the judge threw the book at her isn’t nearly as becoming. Florida has many persecutions of heterosexual relationships involving adult-minor affairs so get away from the gay rights thing. As a matter of fact if this girl had been given special consideration because of her sexual orientation there should have been a host of appeals, and law suits coming from people doing time for a heterosexual situation. The law was applied evenly, DON’T SCREW LITTLE KIDS!

Her crime was ignoring the direct order of a district judge. Total disrespect for authority. This chick is gonna do time. Yes, her life is ruined. No, she’ll never be a doctor. Yes, she’ll be a registered sex offender. That’s what happens when you figuratively spit in a district judge’s face. To yield to real authority is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of common sense, and respect. I was once arrested for talking back! Me AND my lawyer, the late, great Joe Barron, were BOTH arrested IN court because he showed up wearing a motorcycle jacket and Dingo boots. (Hey, it’s Texas, ok?) You live and learn, and little Miss “I Can’t Control My Hormones” is just about to learn a very valuable life lesson. Hope she looks that good when she gets out. What the hell, I’ll probably be dead by then.

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Wiener’s Wang

Wiener
by Wilbur Witt

I’ve tried for two days not to write about Wiener’s wiener, but it’s just too good! When he paraded his wife up there in a press conference and started telling about how his texting was an ongoing problem, and his wife standing by his wiener, OMG, he must have an enormous wang, that’s all I can say. And nobody was laughing! Now folks I’ve done some dumb crap. I mean like get drunk at a party and say something so stupid the next day I hoped to wake up dead so at least everyone would feel sorry for me, but I never, never took a picture of my dick and emailed it to anyone! I don’t think mine would impress anyone anyway, but that’s not the point!

This guy was on Capitol Hill! This guy wants to be mayor of New York! When I visualized him in the halls of Congress by day, and snapping pictures of Mr. Happy by night, I gotta admit…I had to wipe the tears out of my eyes. One reason I didn’t write about it at first is I just knew this story was some kind of liberal trick to sucker in people like me. But the more I considered it, and IMAGINED the logistics, I just had to chime in. Think about it. First he has to get the thing up. Now that takes a little work. So he arranges that. Then, position the camera. SNAP! Then send it to an Internet contact! Yeah, yeah, someone like that could probably run New York. I wouldn’t send that to FRENCHI, and I KNOW her!

This is a clear case of everyone trying to be politically correct. No reporter dare says, “DUDE! Why’d you send a picture of your dick to an Internet chick?” And, I’ll no doubt take some criticism just writing this article, but remember, I didn’t DO this! I’m just laughing about it. This will be a short one today with probably no follow up, but just make a note; people in public office are not supposed to do this sort of thing, but then I’m just a simple old’ boy from Austin, so what do I know?

Facebook hacking and Nigerian romance scams

During my experiences with all these Nigerian beauty queens I ran across a hacking technique geared for Facebook. I’ve mentioned this before, but for those who missed it I’m going to repost.

You’re on Facebook, bopping along, and suddenly a page appears. Looks official, has all the colors, fonts, and wording, and it’s telling you in order to proceed you must re-enter your log in information. Now, if you do nothing will appear to happen. You’ll wait to see what’s coming up and after a minute or two you’ll “backpage” and there Facebook is, all prim and proper. You’ll breathe a sigh of relief and go on about your business. You’ve just given your user name and password to a hacker! The page you saw was a simple form like the ones you fill out searching for items on the Internet to purchase, etc, but instead of sending back to the originator your preference on bedrooms it has gleaned your log in information, and Kunta is feverishly ripping your identity up one side and down the other.

I fell for this! And not because I was stupid, because I was busy. I was conversing with four Nigerian scammers simultaneously and when the page popped up I just clicked the information and went right on, but I noticed two things. Now I’m a MacHead, ok. The colors were slightly off, and the focus was too. We Mac people get all screwed up about such things and will recalibrate our displays in a heartbeat. When I backpaged the display was correct!

The solution? If, like me, you were just too busy to notice, and filled in the blanks restart Facebook, NOW! Go immediately to your account information and change that password! I did this, and almost immediately got a private message from one of my “girl friends” asking what was wrong? Didn’t I love he/she/it any more? Like the old axiom says, when you throw a rock into a pack of dogs the hit dog always runs.

While we’re on the subject, let me give a refresher course on Internet girlfriends from somewhere “over there.” Rule number one is NEVER take serious any contact from Nigeria or Ghana, for what ever the reason they say they are there. They are there because they were BORN there! They get up in the morning, get in their car, which looks a lot like yours, go to some call center and begin to run accounts. Some are sophisticated and some aren’t. Some have the ability to carry on complicated conversation and others, well, I’ve described depraved sexual advances that would embarrass the Marquis de Sade, and the response is, “Uh yeah.” I’ve told one I just did three lines of coke and had three high school cheer leaders kidnapped in my garage and the answer was, ” So glad you have friends.”

And they change shifts! Just like Austin! I chewed on one scammer like Juicy Fruit two nights ago, catching them dead to right and made them cyber-bleed (thanks for your assistance Master Chief) and the very next morning had a message from the same scammer, “My love!” If I ran one of these call centers I’d at least have the team members keep accurate case notes.

The next rule is so simple it should be somewhere in the Bible. Don’t ever, ever, ever, ever, (did I say ever) send money to anyone you meet in a romance on the net! And it always comes down to that. That’s the sting. No matter how detailed, or believable the story line is there will always be a sting. That’s why they’re there! The request begins small and surprisingly reasonable. Remember, you are not the only love of their life. One scammer was caught working eighty-eight accounts that he was pumping at the same time. And you get mental image of these people looking like all those “Save the Children” spots you’ve seen on TV. These guys get up, and make a ton of money, and hang out in a Vegas style setting. They are superstars to their friends because they have tons of money and make a fool out of what they consider fat, rich, dumb westerners. Oh yeah, Americans are not alone. Brits, and especially Aussies are on the list, too.

When they ask for money simply refuse. Or, better yet, have a phony Western Union number and bounce em all over Accra trying to cash it. If you accept one fact you will be just fine. There is not one honest person in Nigeria or Ghana, hell, just make it Africa. No matter how believable it is it is always a scam, and most of the time it is always a man. So, if you get off on cyber sexing Big Daddy Idi Amin, dooooooode!

I use the cyber for my own entertainment, and not what you think, you pervs out there, I have a real girl called Frenchi for that. No, I see how far I can get them to bend reality realizing fully well that my mark is probably communicating through translation software. That in itself will screw them up, evidence I told one, “I’d really like to bang you,” to which I got the response, “Bomb?” I type so fast, and I am a writer, I’ve considered submitting my logs to the Guinness Book of World Records for cyber sexing the most Nigerians at one time! One particularly funny note, the other night I mistakenly sent the wrong message to one. I was having an argument with one, he had actually confessed to me what he was, but was explaining how he had to support his family, which I have no problem with, and I sent him the message meant for another account that I was talking with, describing a sexual position I’d seen in the Karma Sutra. He responded automatically, “My love!” Guess he was working too many accounts, too.

Now, this all sounds funny, but there’s a down side. Right here, in beautiful, downtown Killeen, Texas, a local businessman sold his business, and emptied his bank account to fulfill the dreams of his Nigerian “girlfriend!” But then Killeen is off the charts. An esteemed member of the Board of Realtors here showed up to meet his 13 year old friend with a six pack and a pack of condoms and got to meet MSNBC. Go figure!

If you follow these simple instructions you’ll never get hurt. And all jokes aside, the emotional bonds can be real. I’ve caught myself having real conversations with scammers about mundane subjects, but the sting always comes. “The robbers took all my money and the baby is hungry.”

When you go looking for love on the Internet you wind up in Africa

When you wind up in Africa you meet a girl who looks like Paula Abdul

When you meet a girl who looks like Paula Abdul you become attached

When you become attached you send all your money to Nigeria

When you send all your money to Nigeria your friends laugh their asses off at you at Starbucks the next day.

Don’t let your friends laugh their asses off at you . . .get Dish Network!

To Punk A Nigerian. (The dangers of Internet translators)

If you ever doubt you’re talking to a Nigerian through a translator get a load of this. This is REAL. I just did it. These people don’t comprehend English and work in shifts, so it’s not written in stone you’re even talking to the same “girl” each time. Enjoy.

(Jenifer) hello

(Weird) Hi

(Jenifer) how are you doing today

(Weird) Getting along. Gonna do a couple lines and rest

(Jenifer) so how was your weekend

(Weird) oh, so so. Had an orgy and drank a lot.

(Jenifer) wow that good for you i was alone all by myself so I want to a friend

(Weird) Hey, maybe you can come over for a gang bang! All my friends would love to meet you!

(Jenifer) yea wish i can come over.

(Weird) Oh we’d love it. I want to be first. Hey I gotta go. I have two girls I kidnapped yesterday duct taped in the garage and I have to feed them.

(Jenifer) oh ok talk to you later

(Weird) Yeah, riiiight . . .

Where’s My $5,000 American?????

Submitted for your consideration one Catherine currently residing in Cote d Ivoire, Africa. She/He/It greeted me some days ago asking me my status and giving me the usual story that she was a French transplant who moved to Africa because of the expensive lifestyle in France. She threw in the sad fact that both of her parents are dead. If you will note, many days later she told me if she came to see me I had to make sure her mother had money to take care of her. As usual, I told her the absolute truth about myself, but upon subsequent conversation I went ahead and punked her. Asked her at one point her size so I could buy her a night gown. Knowing that there was a 95% chance I was talking to a man I just couldn’t resist the line from Men’s Warehouse, “You’re gonna like the way ya look, I guarantee it!” I strung “it” along and when the answer (and the $5,000 requested) wasn’t forth coming we see the usual threat, “damage then.” She is the first line, with me alternating my responses every other line. Instead of a trip to America I booked her a passage to The Wilbur Zone. Ladies and gentlemen, Catherine of Cote d Ivoire!

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how are you ?

Fine, and yourself?

I’m fine thank you so tell me a little about you made your biiographie if you do not mind?

I’m a writer. I’m 61. I’m divorced. I’m a gentleman. I live in Texas

ah ok and t you call how you search anything on the net.?

Look up Weird Wilbur on Google

sorry I can not see

Where are you?

I life in Africa precisely in cote d ivoire but I am French and my first name is catherine c about you?

I am Wilbur. What country are you in?

Wilbur delighted me is catherine c I live in cote d ivoire africa precisely but I am of French origin because I have caused left France because of the expensive life in France since the death of both my parents in a car acident j expected that you understand me?

Oh, totally

so tell me about you, you think your life again one day c is to say is what you looking for a woman?

I’m single now. Getting my publishing together.

ah ok y me dicen que la investigación exactamente qué tipo de mujer?

English please

yes

you research what kind of woman?

Not really looking any more. Have girl friends but that’s about all.

yes it is just that I am not happy and I’m new on the net for one reason make me new knowledge to find a serious man who will love and m give me his true love heart

I wish I could find such a woman

and tell me what country you are living presently?
I life in Africa precisely in cote d ivoire

I live in the us. My wife died four years ago. We had a real estate business.

you life in which country?
I c is catherine of French origin unmarried woman without children soon 31years 32years working in a salon beautée

I live in the USA in one of my four houses

ah ok no worries then tell me why you have not found a woman with you? you think finding a wife on the net, you believe in the love of the net?

I have not really looked for one. I would like to meet one now. I would like to get to know her. If she is away I would bring her here

ah ok I understand you I’m not a rich woman and I live far away from you if it ever wanted to walk us how are we going to do because I can not pay my ticket and I think you’re really good as a man because you’re the kind of man I am looking for a man who lives alone

I live alone with my little dog. After my wife died in a car crash I moved from the house we lived in to the bigger house because I missed her. I guess I would have to buy plane tickets for you

ouii biensur me a transfer of money so I can do all my papers and also the booking of my ticket j hoped you understand? really sorry for your wife, but I also would like to j make your acquaintance because I am also unmarried and I would like to live with a serious man like you

Couldn’t I just buy you a plane ticket?
How much to you need to do your papers?

oh yeah if you want but then you have to make me clench a transfer pourque I can settle everything here because I live here with my mother and I have great store many things before my departure

Ok, how much money are we talking about?

j would need $ 5,000 to settle all my papers and store all my stuff too

How would I send it. I’ve never sent money to another country.

you realize in a position and you do request a warrant via western union j hoped you know well?

Oh, ok. I know Western Union

and you will also need to perform my data transfer

How do I do that?

ouii c is his you know if I tell you all this is that I’m really excited to meet you and if you m sending this amount will be living proof that you really alone and you really want to know me and me too I would be very happy to meet you.
well then as I have t say I’ll give you my address and you turn yourself in a Western Union agency you request to transfer via Western Union and through my contact you sending the money I t have asked for my papers and they will give you a transfer code of 10 digits as his I can removed the money once you give me the code. and you must also asked a question and gave an answer that all the parties in terms you understand j expected?

Ok

tell me you’re really inspired to do my meeting…?

You are very beautiful. Would love to meet you. This is so wonderful. I’m 61. I never thought such a young beautiful woman would want to meet me

ok no worries I see so I’ll give you my contact pourque can do the office? because I also never thought I’d find a serious man like you and your words still give me more eager to make your acquaintance as the age does not matter to me because I love looking for the true love of the heart

Good

yes I’m really sincere with you so I give you my address pourque you can do the office?

It will take about an hour. I have to run to the bank and they are open until noon.

ouii I understand you so I give you tell me yes or no?

Yes yes

Name: aman
first name: catherine elouah
Country: cote d ivoire
City: Grand Bassam
ok here is my contact you j Receipts well as expected thanks to its coodonnées the mandate you can do if you really want to make the mandate pourque I come to thee

Ok. Give me an hour. I will check on plane tickets too. I’m so excited. Do I need to put a code word for you on the Western Union?

No no you have not checked because I t did not give a fixed price but I t have asked for a sum or I can do all my papers because I have many things to do apart the ticket such as I have left a little of money to my great mother to do some shopping for clothes and many other expected day you understand

Yes. Then how much do you need?

not once you finish filling out the form with my coordinates of course they will give them even a code c is you who will then give me pourque I can withdraw money without taking the head you understand?

Oh, ok. Like I said, I’ve never sent money to another country.

I have totally need I say $ 5,000 American

Ok

yes I understand you then you can send that amount of $ 5,000 American? be sincere and honest with me stp

Give me an hour. I have to run to the bank. Also, what size nightgown do you wear ? I respect you. I’m as honest as I know you are.

lolll I laugh I am still connected now you go j expected you not play with me Wilbur?

I’m not playing. Believe me.

ok no worries then shows me that you are man of his word and I’ll prove it to myself that I want a man I will come unto thee quickly because I’d be very happy also

I am going to flood you with such emotion that you will quiver and shake like a school girl. You will never forget me. I really want to buy you a night gown. You’re gonna like the way ya look, I guarantee it!

ah good then you come back with the transfer references how long the pourque I can have?

It will take me about an hour, I have to run. What’s the size of your nightgown. I want to buy you one.

n is listening you have to buy a shirt m me everything I want to c is that you prove to me before you meet your words then go al transfer agency Western Union to me the mandate to $ 5,000 American so I can be after once reassured by your side I would be delighted to accept all your gifts

Ok

you’re gone? you’re gone? No more am writing you? c you see is what I was afraid if you were really serious and here for the answer for you! damage then
But why, you answer me? when you played with me it is his? attend the call . . .HONEY