Just My Luck, God’s a Texan . . .

If I were as wrong about so many things as Mohammed, danged if I wouldn’t have found another job! The man could NOT write, and I mean that literally, or rather, illiterally. Hey, I just made that up. That’s your new word of the day. Anyway, where was I, oh yes, Mohammed. Anyway, he had a pretty good gig running camels across the desert, and married to a rich old lady, but then there was this cave, and an ANGEL! Oh yes, we had an angel. You know, every time someone comes up with some sexually driven nonsense they always blame it on an angel. I personally have never seen an angel, unless you count that girl I picked up at Cody’s one time, but the next day she misplaced her wings, but I’d rather not talk about that right now.

As Mo progressed toward being king of the towel heads he’d go into these rants, usually having something to do with whatever pipe dream he was chasing at the time. Think I’m lying? Check out the “Satanic Verses.” Seems there was these three girls, and, well, they lost THEIR wings, too. When caught in this cluster screw, and it didn’t make any sense to any of the other rag heads he tried to tell ’em, “The Devil made me do it.” Oh, that’s the other big trick. Any time some “prophet” gets caught with his pants down he says the “Devil” tricked him into it. DUDE! If you’re like, a PROPHET, ain’t you supposed to know what the Devil looks like? I personally think he might look like Velma Prigmore back in high school. She led more of us to sin than anyone else I know.

Anyway, Mo ate some poison goat, and about two years later he stopped prophesying, cause he was like, dead! Then the fun really started. If you think Mo was crazy just take a look at act II! There came to pass (got that line from the Book of Mormon) there was these things called “Sayings Of Mohammed,” which loosely translated were things that were so stupid no one mentioned it during his lifetime because there was a distinct possibility of losing your mind, literally! THAT is where we get all these little jewels about what it takes to properly dance around the ol’ Kaaba, beat the devil out of the wife of your choice, AND never marry a chick before the age of five. Then there’s this image thing. Muslims don’t want anybody drawing any pictures of the prophet. Supposedly they hold to the “graven image” thing, and don’t want anyone paying more attention to anything than they do God, but then they pray in the direction of this big ol’ rock in Mecca, and hold onto another rock in Jerusalem like it was property on the Vegas Strip. You see, whenever you have “religion” you always have two sets of rules. The rules for the “equals” and the ones for the “equalizers.” Hey, there’s another new word. I’m a virtual Daniel Webster. You can’t draw Mo, but if you’re a Muzzie you gotta go and walk seven times around a big stone building in Mecca at least once in your life. Ibn Al Arabi did it, and became enameled with some girl called Nizām (see where this always goes folks?)

So, Friday we got the treat of yet another “Draw Mohammed” contest. I couldn’t make it, but I’m going,to place my entry at the end of this article. Seems all,these bikers showed up, though far less than the one hundred thousand expected, those guys were all headed to Waco, and held this art exhibit it right NEXT to a Mosque. Nice touch. I mean if you want to really irritate someone just go urinate on their tomatoes, right? Well, there wasn’t any Jihad, and I don’t know who won the contest, or what what the grand prize was, probably a thirty pack of Bud and an order or baby back ribs, I don’t know. The organizer went into hiding because ISIS wants to cut his head off, and other organizers are planning other venues to enlighten the great unwashed as to what Prophet Mo might have looked like. THIS is what replaced American Idol, folks.

Anyway, I’m going to submit MY entry here, and hope ISIS doesn’t come cut my head off, but if they do, no matter, I’m not using it anyway. I don’t care WHAT Prophet Mo looked like. I’m still squabbling with a black preacher about what COLOR Jesus was. I hold to the words of the Prophet Kinky Friedman: Just my luck, God’s a Texan, one great big blankety blank Anglo Saxon, sitting up there playing with a Quigi Board . . .




White Trash and Skinny Texas Girls

When people ask me how I get my unique perspective on things I always tell them I’m just a simple ol’ boy from Austin, but really there’s another level that remains hidden. I’m poor white trash. Moreover, I’m TEXAS poor white trash, and that’s the whitest, trashiest trash there is! I actually grew up in a little village called Simmonsville. Old drunken Harry Simmons bought the old Killeen city dump, and built his Texas version of Shangri La right on top of it. Of course he had the biggest house in town, and even had a handy man, Bob White. When Harry mysteriously died, Bob married his widow and assumed the estate.

Surprisingly there weren’t any trailers in Simmonsville, but there sure as heck were claptrap shacks and adobe huts everywhere. Now, the Ellises actually had land down along Nolan Creek. The Ellises were crazy, but the Mitchells, a little farther down the draw, were crazy-ER! Before you get this iconic image in your head of Nolan Creek being a babbling brook with beautiful trees hanging lazily over the water, we hadn’t invented sewer systems yet, get my drift? The water was oily green, so full of soap that suds towered over our heads, and instead of quick sand we had something along the banks of a slightly different consistency, and smell. And we SWAM in it . . . naked!

On the east side of Simmonsville was a sprawling cattle ranch called “Springer’s” because a man named Springer owned it, and about five miles down the highway on the west was the metropolis of Killeen! Of course Fort Hood was on the other side of that, but we didn’t know anything about them fellers. They were too far away and they were Yankees, anyway.

Race was real simple in Simmonsville. There were us white folk, of course, and just across the highway was a place called Marlboro Heights, named after the cigarette I suppose, where the black folk lived. Uh, we didn’t mix a whole lot. About the only time we mingled was when they stuck us all on a school bus and sent us off in a vain attempt to teach us to read. I never saw an Asian, except on TV, and EVERY brown person was a Mexican. Now Mexicans back then were different than what we have now. There was a certain pride to being a wetback. A Mexican who was actually an American citizen was a dehydrated Mexican, and a Mexican national was a Mexican with a pedigree. That’s why I refer to Muslims as Mexicans to this day, and it filtered down to my kids. My son, the Chief, when I expressed concern as to his many tours of the Middle East, told me, “Shucks dad, ain’t nobody over there but the help!”

And we had law enforcement on the form of officer Jackson. Now, officer Jackson didn’t have a Taser, or mace, or any knowledge of the law. What he did have was a Colt Police Special, and a big ol’ can of “WhoopAss!” We NEVER considered shooting at Officer Jackson. We might hit him, and that would just make him mad! By and by, when Simmonsville was incorporated into Killeen, they sent cops to arrest all of us kids for some kind of “investigation.” They had it in their heads that we were some kind of “organized crime.” They brow beat us all for hours, and to be honest, none of us crackers had any idea what they were talking about, but then they made a critical error . . . they FED us! We didn’t know anything about the Mafia, or any of that Yankee nonsense, but we knew what bail was, and we didn’t want any part of it! There was beds, and food, and DOMINOS! They finally threw us out of the jail house, and we stumbled back to Simmonsville, and Officer Jackson’s waiting arms.

There’s this mythical image of the beautiful Texas girl in jeans, blonde hair, beautiful curves, breath smells like Carnation milk. Verily, verily I say unto thee that such a creature never existed. That girl in the pool in the picture, “The Last Picture Show” was a California actress! Real Texas girls wore sack dresses and all looked like Olive Oyl. They never wore jeans because jeans didn’t come with legs that skinny. If you wanted a girl who looked like a girl you had to find yourself a Mexican. It wasn’t until Monsanto came along and screwed up the food that white Texas girls had any kind of shape at all. But MEXICAN chicks? They were ready to be married at fourteen, and ready for Social Security by twenty! And some of the rules still stick, I met Crystal Lee Laramore down in Austin recently. Beautiful woman! Poised, educated, got some money, breath smelled like Carnation milk. I still caught myself looking behind her ears, because a girl with clean ears is the mark of a lady!

Nobody had any kind of education. Most of us eventually learned to read, I say most because reading was not required in order to run a still, or make beer, and yeah we did that, deal with it. I don’t know to this day how I learned to read, I just know that somewhere along the eighth grade or so I no longer had to look at the pictures on the cans to know what I was about to eat. And we could eat rotten meat. In a place filled with tortillas and beans meat was a delicacy, fresh or otherwise. There have been times when people would be throwing up the soles of their feet after dinner and I’d just be going for seconds.

When I reflect back on my youth I’d like to tell you I wouldn’t want it any other way, only I’m not crazy! I have a timer set so as to take my blood pressure medicine on time every day, whereas in Simmonsville, if you stepped on a rusty nail, and your jaws didn’t lock up in ten days you were good to go. I crappith thee NOT!


It’s been a rowdy week down at the ranch. Ok, let’s jump right into it. First off. Mr. ISIS, we’re sure ’nuff sorry we capped two of your Jihad warriors just because they showed up to kill a bunch of cartoonists who were drawing pictures of that Mexican you call a prophet. Y’all get downright irritated when you show up and don’t get to kill a bunch of folks. Now, I understand your religion and all, what with not liking naked girls, or ham and eggs, or any pictures of anyTHING. You want to straighten a bunch of infidels out, might I suggest a Nuevo Laredo whorehouse? You’ll find a lot of sin down there. Oh, just ignore them fellers with them dots tattooed over their eyebrows. Don’t pay them no mind. Just rush in there, guns a blazing, and see how that works out for you.

I actually ended up in one God awful debate somewhere over in India with the cutest little Jap I ever saw. And y’all know me, I was too busy looking at her profile picture for the first ten minutes, I wasn’t paying no mind to a word she said, but then she called me a “misogynist!” Now, being a Texan, I pronounced that “massaginist.” With the root word apparently “massage,” and her being Asian, I took that to mean she love me long time. Well, our relationship fell quickly apart right after that. I think basically she wanted to put me in a cage somewhere and set fire to me, screaming, “Aloha Salad Bar,” or words to that effect. God she was beautiful when she was mad.

From there we progressed to Jade Helm 15. Now, I’m just as crazy as the next Texan so I bought right into this. I don’t like AMERICANS coming down here, and when I found out it was gonna be UN troops? Americans are bad enough, but FOREIGNERS? Hide the women folk. My grandmother told me that all them people over there are BORN with an STD. They get it from their mamas. The men pee right in the street and their women don’t wash properly “down there.” I was all pent up, that was until I found out the whole story came out of Alex Jones. Now, I’m not saying Alex was wrong, I’m just saying. If you wanna kill a good conspiracy just let it come out of Prison Planet and right away the public thinks we’re all wearing tin foil Stetsons!

Of course the cops are shooting EVERYBODY! I almost wish I could have met them two boys up in Garland before they got out of that car. I would have told them, “DUDES! They shoot US for using a cell phone. What did you expect?” To be honest, Texas cops don’t shoot near as many as cops in states where the second amendment isn’t in place. Wonder if there’s a correlation?

Open Carry is moving through the legislative process. Hey, certain “people” open carry their UNDERWEAR! Why can’t we just carry a pistol. A small cute one. The libs say open carry “intimidates” people. Uh, why do COPS do it? They carry a gun, an electric chair, a knife and a STICK! You can’t carry a stick in Texas, did you know that? I was once arrested for possession of a stick. And don’t let a kid draw a picture of a gun in school. I wonder what the ISIS boys in Garland would have done if the artists were just been drawing pictures of guns.

Now this is satire. I feel I need to give that disclosure. Why do I resort to satire at times. Because when I use a lot of four syllable words and try to speak as an adult . . . Liberals don’t listen!

The AMERICANS Are Coming!

We need to throw down on what’s American and what’s NOT! Back when I was in high school I was taught the classical understanding of the hierarchy of government as bequeathed to us by the “Great Emancipator,” that being the Fed rules, and the states drool. Now, bear in mind at the time I was listening to the Beatles so this made a lot of sense to me. Big Brother, little brother and kid sister seemed to work out just fine.

Tell me something, who elects congressmen? Is there some kind of national election where all the American people vote for a passel of candidates, or is it a local election, a VERY local election, that sends representatives to Washington to speak for the interests of the people who sent them up there? The problem is that when they get there most congressmen become “Americans” and stop being Texans, Californians or New Yorkers. They “rise above” and become omnipotent, eyes ever scanning the future, voting any way they see fit. Then, come election time, they fly back home, kiss a few babies, get re-elected, and whisk right back to Washington to continue the perpetuation of the God awful American government that we, and the rest of the world have grown to love so much.

Here’s the way the government is supposed to work. Let’s say someone comes up with an idea to build a super highway from New York to LA, with eight lanes all the way, and no stops all the way to Santa Monica. The Feds figure that since this highway is going to touch several states that they should foot most of the bill, and have control over the finished roadway. Works for me! Or I’ll give you another case. Someone knocks down a couple buildings in New York. All the states get together, go over yonder and whip them fellers. Then, they come HOME. Trouble is the American government has a one size fits all mentality. If the road and the war worked out so good, why shucks, dictating schooling, health, and marriage would be just that much better, and since a lot of people have bought into this reverse level of administration imposed by Ling Kahn they get away with it.

Can you imagine the money that would be saved if we just let people run their own business without Senate subcommittee hearings inside the old beltway by people who couldn’t cook a brisket if their lives depended on it? Why, we wouldn’t even have to have the Capitol open all the time. That would save on electricity right there! We wouldn’t even need the IRS, well maybe for someone to sweep that eight lane highway.

You wanna know why this is never going to happen? Because there’s too much money to be made micro-managing other people’s business, that’s why. That, and it’s so noble worrying about where a spotted owl out in Idaho takes a crap. They spend YOUR money on that folks, I crappith thee NOT! I’ve never eaten a spotted owl by the way.

And the Supreme Court, oh don’t get me started. They’re not even elected, they’re appointed by what ever looney tune is having breakfast in the White House at that given time. You could theoretically end up with nine justices from California sitting on the bench. “In the matter of humans marrying parakeets our decision is, ‘Totally!” Not any crazier than ceding thousands of acres to a spotted owl.

It will take a long time to pry American hands off a dollar, but it can be done. You just have to sent people to Capitol Hill who’ll dance with the ones who brung them. If the Fed is going to run everything, or can trump any laws we pass at the state level why have state legislators at all. We could spend that money on beer, and at least then everyone would be happy.

#texas #secede #statesrights


Morgan Freeman for President

I just love being politically incorrect, no, really, I do. To be politically correct you have to do all the updates, and if you miss one, your mouth crashes! In fact, I would go as far to say that I go out of my way to be incorrect.. I WORK on it. I find everything from using the term, “The ‘N’word” to gay marriage, to voting for Obama funny as hell. And school teachers? OMLG! Take the case just this week where that kid got thrown out of school just because he said he didn’t like Obama, and the principle said that he would NOT tolerate INtolerance in his school. PANTIES CHECK! Did that happen in California? If it didn’t, it should have. It amazes me that in a state with so many beautiful women there aren’t any men.

Do you want to know why politically correct people always play the race card? Because they ain’t got nothing else! Let me check . . . used the word, “ain’t,” double negative . . . yep, I’m rolling today. This is what happens when I DON’T drink! Anyway, I digress. You can’t say anything about Obama without the race card hitting the table. Guy doesn’t have any policy, wouldn’t know the constitution if it ran up and peed on his leg, runs around with people like Kerry and Hillary, and has a wife who seriously needs to just stay in the White House. Obama’s not a race card, he’s a race DECK!

I do like some things about the president. He drinks Bud Lite and smokes cigarettes. And don’t tell me he quit smoking . . . Look at him! Boy talks good too. (How’d you like that word, “boy?”) Somebody STOP me! You want a black president so bad, I have a suggestion, Morgan Freeman! He’s played the president in a couple of films, and heck, that’s all Obama does . . . PLAY president. Funny thing was in the movie, “Olympus Has Fallen,” Morgan was more constitutional than the real deal! Ain’t that a hoot! Who was the last actor we had in the White House?

Putin’s not politically correct. He’s just a butthole through and through. BiBi is too. I think this Cameron guy in England might be, but I don’t know. You gotta watch them Limeys. Oh, who said that? I meant the “L” word. Usually, when things get this messed up the Krauts jump up and try to take over the world. Remember Adolph? The last great white boy? Y’all swatting them bees yet?

There will always be people who have nothing to say, so they try to apply rules to restrict what you have to say. If you say anything about Obama the FIRST thing that comes out of a liberal’s mouth is, “You just sayin’ dat cause he’s black!” No, first off he’s half black, and second he’s a freaking idiot! No, I take that back, he’s not an idiot, he’s the best the liberals could come up with.

So let’s look at the upcoming race. In the last two we voted based on complexion, this next one we’ll shoot for genitailia . I assume Hillary’s a woman because she’s got a kid that looks just like her. What do you get when you cross breed two crooked lawyers? CHELSEA! At least Obama’s daughters are cute! And no matter WHAT she does, Hilliary is doing the presidential shuffle. Do you want to know how screwed up this country really is? Last night Bobby Ritter and I did a one on one on the Rage Against the Regime Podcast, and we ended up talking about what a great guy Al Capone was! Now if that’s not a cluster screw I’m not a white boy from Austin! I crappith thee not! We ended up actually MISSING Al. Interesting thought; Al Capone’s solution to ISIS. Your thoughts?

You gotta laugh, folks. If you let this stuff get to you there isn’t enough blood pressure medicine in the world! In 1933, if two fools showed up to kill people at an art show because they were drawing pictures of some foreigner, Roosevelt would have every Muslim in a camp the next DAY! We did that just because people had slanted eyes. Ah, the good old days. Will America survive? Hell no! Have you lost your freaking mind? And stop worrying about Jade Helm. The cartels ain’t gonna let that get out of control. I just love being politically incorrect!

Blue Eyed White Boys

Lament the blue eyed white boys. On one side we have Jade Helm, and on the other, religious nuts trying to shoot up art shows. We can’t be sure of which rest room to use, if indeed we’re allowed to use any. New Black Panthers marching up and down the streets wanting to shoot us all right between our blue eyes, and fifty million Mexicans pouring over the fence down there trying to take what’s left of the jobs, money, and beer away. I know what the Neanderthals felt like when they saw the first Cro-Magnon Man drawing a bird on THEIR cave walls.

Blue eyed white boys have only been around around six to ten thousand years or so. I think we’re aliens actually. That’s why all the other races hate us so bad. We smell funny. There are some blue eyed black folk, but I think God is just trying to be politically correct, and they don’t count for much. I haven’t quiet figured out exactly how that happened, but I suspect there’s a cracker in the wood pile somewhere.

Except for Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger, blue eyed white boys are pretty much useless. Quarterbacks are generally white because SOMEbody on the field HAS to be. All other races can out run, out jump, out think, and . . . well, I made Crystal Lee a promise, suffice to say, “If you ever try black, you’ll never come back,” yeah, they beat us in that, too.

And we’re dangerous. The last blue eyed white boy who took over a country, had too much power, and did exactly what he wanted to do was Hitler, and we all know how THAT shook down. We crackers are fighting an uphill battle, and we ain’t gonna make it. I’ve never had a blue eyed wife. I prefer Mexican girls, actually. They’re generally short, well rounded, and cook quite well. I think the reason that I’ve never married a blue eyed girl is that they’re all with black guys.

There’s no fixing this. We’re a dying breed. Oh, we’ll rant and rave, and talk about the Romans, Greeks and Germans, but we’re pretty much done. There will be fewer and fewer of us, all sitting in bars, drinking Lite beer, like a bunch of dinosaurs, just waiting for that comet to come on in. I’m stuck these blue eyes, but I do have a nice beard.

If The South Would’ve Won We’d Have It Made

Did you ever consider what would have happened if Lincoln hadn’t gotten his war to save the union? This is a deep question, full of speculation, but historical facts can lead us to some logical conclusions. The progress of Western Culture is important. Slavery was a barbaric, archaic system, designed to capitalize on labor without paying a whole lot for it. You still paid for it, but the benefits for the employees were the pits. England did away with it. So did Mexico. In fact, all civilized western nations were proceeding along that path. It is not reasonable to think that slavery, as it existed in the Deep South, would have survived into the twentieth century.

Lincoln, himself, was not all that fired up about slavery, more than likely viewing it as a system that had seen its day, and would gradually disappear. What the real issue was was southern agriculturalists vs northern industrialists. Shreveport had all the cotton, and New York City had all the money, and never the two shall meet. EVERYBODY wanted cotton, CHEAP cotton. It’s the same today. We don’t have slaves, but we have “undocumented immigrants” who pick documented lettuce for slave wages. And what is a slave. A slave is someone who has no control over his/her life and has to take whatever they can get. Brown is the new black! People wanted cheap shirts in 1861, and they want cheap salads in 2015. Students, it’s no deeper than that!

We had the south paying through the nose to the Yankee bankers, and getting tired of it. That, and they had this foolish idea that the U.S. Of A. was constructed from the bottom up. They thought there were individual nation states who in time of trouble would “unite,” but ultimately each state concerned itself with its own affairs. So what would have happened if we never had a Civil War?

Ok, for one, we would not have slavery today. It would eventually been just legislated out. To retain it would have reduced the Confederacy about the level of any other third world nation. The plantations would have continued to send cotton to the port of New York, and the Europeans would have continued to buy it. Do you really think people in Kentucky would not have business relations with people in Ohio? Do you really think they would not deal in gold, and dollars? Do you really think those Model “T’s” would not have wound up in Austin, or that beef would not have been eaten by people in Vermont? If you do have I got a bridge for you, and it’s on SALE!

When World War One and Two came along, do you not think the CSA would have not made uniforms for the USA? And what about that westward expansion? When places like Utah decided to line up with a “Union” they would have had a choice from column “A” or column “B.” Think those railroads would have ignored Fort Worth and all that prime rib? Bridges anyone?

America, as we know it would have evolved and survived without over 600,000 dead. The expansion of civil rights would have still occurred. What would NOT have happened was the 100+ years of bitterness courtesy of the reconstruction that followed the War of Northern Aggression. Texas may have very well seceded and we would have khad not two, but THREE independent nations. What if, just what if the two nations had realigned, and America became the constitutional republic envisioned by the framers in the FIRST place? Get back, get back, get back to where you once belonged. And, having set the precedent of legal secession, the new America would always be aware that the government is of the people, by the people, and for the people, and the people can LEAVE any time they want! Did that phrase “Northern Aggression” offend you? Point of fact; The south never had plans to conquer the North! Even if it had won the war it didn’t have the resources nor the ambition to occupy the Union. Now that’s a fact, people!

In the end there most likely would have been two similar republics, slightly different in government, but both firmly American, in a level playing field. Yankee investors would have found their way south withOUT their carpet bags and been welcome, because there would not have been the bitter memories, nor the grief generated by four years of bloody carnage. Hindsight is 20/20. Perhaps we should turn that statue around in the Lincoln Memorial, and have the “Great Emancipator” face the wall!

From a Simple Ol’ Boy From Austin

How I Really Think

I was being facetious when I said I got my feelings hurt yesterday. You’d have to get up pretty early in the morning to hurt my feelings. I’ve been married five times, been run off so many times that I thought PMS meant “pack my stuff.” What happened was I took off after Al Sharpton yesterday. Now, I’m going to go on record. I think Al Sharpton is a shallow minded, race baiting, lying pimp! He scans the headlines for anything he can inject himself into for a tidy sum, and he hasn’t done one thing to improve the human condition, white or black. Anyway, there were two people who took exception to my article, and that’s fine. Now, they didn’t READ the article, or at least didn’t read it with any comprehension. They leaped, like savage rabbits, and played that rusty old race card! THAT always irritates me. For somebody to read something that I’ve written, completely ignore the foundation, and come back with, “Oh, you just saying that ’cause he’s black!” Nigga please! (Is that racist enough for you, honey?)

So I checked out my two opponents. Frankly, today I don’t even remember their names, but the guy actually went to the University of Texas. Now, I’m an old Texas hard liner so that set me back a bit. Kid went to UT so he HAD to have learned SOMETHING! Then I went and checked out the girl. Cute! That goes a long way with me. (Hmmmmm. I might not be a racist but I AM a Chauvinist!) Anyway she made statements that my article wasn’t even an article for various reasons, and mentioned that I had horse whipped the Muslims a week ago also. She harangued my style, my content, and said that I was arrogant. Now, I’m fixing to get real blunt here, reader’s discretion advised! FYI, my own brother made fun of the title of my last book and I haven’t spoke to him for two years.

I write dozens of articles every day. I’ve written four books, three thousand songs, been in Country music for over forty years, and I’m not about to take criticism from some hula girl with a Facebook account! My writing style is actually contrived. I didn’t just stumble upon it one day in the shower. I use a theory I refer to as “circles.” The human mind reaches for completion. THAT’S why a song will get stuck in your head. Because you mind missed something and struggles to complete it. Fifty cents worth of psychiatric input there. That’s also what makes a song work. Verse, verse, chorus, lead riff, verse, chorus and out. Perfect circle! If you study most of my articles you’ll see that pattern almost every time.

There are two more elements. Humor, and simplicity. There are seven things that will construct humor in the brain. My humor is by comparison. Take a situation, paint mental images, easy to remember, with little Texas catch phrases like, “save your fork,” and “swat them bees,” to cement the prose of the article in the readers mind, compare the two and voila! You have humor. I don’t write ANYTHING by accident! Every line, every word is placed exactly where I intended it to be. I don’t use repetitive “ands” but I do throw in slang, and words like “gonna, ain’t,” and even a sloppy double negative here and there, and I do it for a reason. SIMPLICITY! When I address a complex situation I step back, look at it, and ask myself, “Now what is this guy REALLY saying?” Just like my opinion of Al Sharpton. For everything he’s ever said, or written, it all boils down to, “Give me de money!”

You can never predict my position on any matter, because I don’t know my position on any matter until I write it. I didn’t not agree with George Zimmermans shooting of Trayvon Martin, but frankly, I’d have shot Michael Brown from the car! My logic was simple. For all the MMA crap, Martin could NOT knock Zimmerman out. I, myself, been attacked by not one but THREE black thugs in my own driveway, and I didn’t kill anybody, and it’s not because I have the light of sweet Jesus in my eyes. It’s because when you stick a gun in someone’s mouth they go from thug to PHD in two seconds flat! And, oh yeah, I only did that cause they was black! For the record they embarked on a huge conspiracy to steal my cigarettes!

Now let’s jump on the religion thing. Yeah, I’m gonna go there, deal with it. I think most religion is silly. Not God, RELIGION! I was a devout Catholic, and before that I was a devout Baptist. Now I’m just a devout ME! I admire people like my friend Doc Greene who can live their faith and not hurt anyone, but when I see Muslims, the Westboro Baptist Church, and sidewalk, soapbox preachers looking forward to the end of the world like Al Sharpton, you damn well better know that I’m gonna express an opinion! If you want to pray five times a day and never eat a ham sandwich, I’m cool with that, but when you blow an old lady’s head off in the street because of the crazy ramblings of some guy who died sixteen hundred years ago we gotta talk! I SAW David Koresh, and NOT on CNN.

As far as acceptance of my writings? Well, I’m sitting here having a very dry martini, a Roosevelt Peter, smoking a Nicaraguan cigar on the porch of one of my three houses. So, to address that young lady from yesterday with a mouth full of opinions, yeah honey, I’m a bit arrogant. Matter of fact I’d like to run a few martins through you and see what pops out the other end. When you get past sixty or so you become pretty much settled in your opinions. You tend to view the world with a pretty jaundiced eye, but mainly you see things and people for what they really are.

I pulled out of Glozens yesterday because I knew that anyone small minded enough to address my articles in such a fashion would probably run to Facebook like a little child and I’d go to Facebook jail (again.) I’ve got books to sell. Martinis and cigars cost MONEY, and I don’t have the gig the REVEREND Al Sharpton has. I have to budget.

God Save the QUEEN!

The Clinton’s absolutely amaze me. Their criminal record would make Al Capone blush with shame. They’ve laundered more money than poor Al could ever imagine. Hillary gave RUSSIA a quarter of our uranium, and Bill is a paid for, professional liar. He makes Al Gore look good . All Gore did was try to slow down the rotation of the planet! of All that having been said, Liberal Democrats are falling over themselves to put this wench BACK in the White House! Like she didn’t do enough damage when she ran the country the FIRST time.If you or I pulled just ONE of her stunts we’d hope for parole sometime after 2076! All Martha Stewart did was sold some stocks on a bedroom tip.

Americans have given rise to a new royalty. Now, just ask yourself, where does royalty come from? I mean way back then they weren’t just born with a silver spoon in their mouth. Someone had to put it there. And, if you understand they just breathe and eat just like the rest of us then what puts them on a level far and above the average person? Well, to make a long story short, Royalty comes from being descended from the biggest thug. If Michael Brown had lived, he would have been royalty. Come to think of it, he IS!

You see, back in the day, Phillip MymouthwithPharts was a pretty good thief. He, and his band of not so merry men scoured the countryside, galloping hither and yon on their stolen horses taking whatEVER they needed to support the lifestyle they’d like to become accustomed to. Pretty soon you got a castle, and this biker gang that ran with Phillip are dubbed “knights.” But, you gotta have a title. Can’t go anywhere ‘cept you gots a title! Voila! KING Phillip is born!

He’s got crown, a throne, LOTS of fried chicken and oh, those knights. He no longer has to steal, why heck no! He just TAXES the beJesus out of anything that eats, sleeps, or works now, with the added bonus that it becomes patriotic DUTY to pay the King, and if you pay on time he will protect you . . . from the KNIGHTS! He comes upon this thing called a queen! Now ten years ago she was just the skinny girl with TWO dresses, but as QUEEN she is the epitome of womanhood. She is blonde, and beautiful. Long hair is a must. She never has to use the bathroom, and her breath smells like Carnation milk!

By and by, King Phillip and Queen Ima Witch conceive a child, immaculately, of course, and Prince I’m Endowed comes screaming into the world. Fast forward a thousand years or so, and you can easily see how this bunch of hoodlums can acquire some cash. The public has lost all memory of the origin of this cluster love in, and some even suspect the royal linage may trace back to Jesus Christ Himself! And they’ve been living, loving, and dipping anyone who disagrees with them in boiling oil. Can this all happen again in the modern age?

Well, I give you, the CLINTON’S! Lying, stealing, pimping, all of the above and the Liberal Democrats LOVE ’em! Hillary is so royal it’s ACCEPTED that she will be the next president. Kinda cool being the president elect before the first primary, now isn’t it? Why, I don’t even know why anyone should run against her. Let’s just not do that, and say we did. She galavants about the countryside making one asinine statement after another, and the huddled masses are lapping it up like puppies on a saucer of milk! I cant wait for all the Hollywood endorsements to come rolling in. Every royal court needs a jester, and Hollyweird has a BUNCH! And, don’t forget she’s got a kid, too! Think baby Clinton is going away? Au Contraire! Barring getting stuffed on a rocket and catapulted to the MOON, her bed is waiting in the White House. What she’ll probably do is champion some “cause.” Let’s see, what would be a good cause for an aspiring queen? I have it. The homeless transvestites of Albuquerque! That should be good for a hundred mil or so.

And, I know, I know, I can hear it now, “Oh Wilbur! America don’t got no Royalty. We split off from the King of England. We be a DEMOCRACY!” Look, boys and girls, if it walks like a duck quacks like a duck, and has pizza in the oval office with comely young interns, then it must be . . . a CLINTON! Normally at this point in the article I would put forth a solution, but this time is different. I can fix stupid, and the typical, red blooded, government cheese eating American voter is STUUUUUUUUPID! We’ll be lucky if they don’t make Hillary presidentess for LIFE! And they’ll run out into the streets on coronation, I’m sorry, inaugural day, and roll in it like a dog in a dead armadillo! Cake for EVERYONE! God save the Queen!

Liberal Democrats

I have a friend that I never talk to outside of a friendly “like” on her kids’ pictures. Why? Because she’s a liberal democrat. Her philosophy is simple. If it’s liberal democrat, she’s IN! Run dead babies up the flagpole two at a time; FINE! She’s a liberal democrat. Let illegals enter the country and rape eight year olds; FINE! She’s a liberal democrat. Put an illegal alien in the White House; FANTASTIC! She’s a LIBERAL DEMOCRAT!

Liberal democrats never look at an issue any deeper than to see if it’s crazy enough to be liberal democrat. They are so stupid it defies logic. Pass laws against Bar B Q smoke in Austin. Great idea! It interferes with all the pot smoke drifting around. Why do we issue these idiots drivers licenses? And they spring to the defense of any liberal democratic idea no matter how far out in left field it is. Never have a conversation with a liberal democrat. You may as well be discussing the Karma Sutra with the pastor at the Westboro Baptist Church.

Gay marriage? Why heck yeah. LIBERAL DEMOCRATS! Give up all our guns and hope the cartels will find Jesus! Liberal Democrats! Vote for Hilliary Clinton? They voted for Obama, didn’t they? Obamacare is a procto with a dry glove. LIBERAL DEMOCRATS! And it’s all Bush’s fault!

So, what do we do? Well, you can’t just shoot ’em. There’s laws. You can’t reason with them. You may as well be arguing with a chimpanzee at the zoo about the price of bananas. What we need to do is convince them that the voting booths are at the food stamp office. Then, while they’re down there holding their number, hopefully the polls will close. Since they love gay marriage so much maybe in a generation or two they’ll become extinct. Unless they find a way to procreate like an amoeba because they’re LIBERAL DEMOCRATS!