Stand By For News!

I spent an entire day yesterday watching the furor over the Confederate flag. I could have put my time to better use, I can assure you, but every story, every note, every status on Facebook had a flag on it. The GAYS even have a flag! I didn’t know that. I personally think it should be pink, but what do I know, right?

Then came a story that ISIS has invented a new way to kill people, three new ways, actually, and if you know me, I made a tuna sandwich, a pitcher or martinis, and went looking for that! Then, of course the story about Obama selling Kansas to the Chinese, Hilliary has dated Yoko Ono, and Bruce Gender had her first period! Then, a great light appeared unto me. It was exceedingly bright, and I was sore afraid. And a voice came from the light, like a thousand trumpets, and the voice said, “Come here!” So I put down my martini, and went unto the voice, and the voice got holy, and powerful, and resounded-duh . . . And the voice said, “Gimme some of dat samitch!”

So I gave the voice the sandwich, and I was filled with wisdom at that point. And the wisdom was this: The Mainstream Media long ago lost ALL credibility. Gone are the days when Patton strode onto the beach, or Kennedy stared down the Russians, or Dr. King walked fearlessly down the streets of Selma. Now some guy says he’s a woman, cuts his Johnson off, and the world stops turning. The big bucks news will pump any story, no matter how stupid until you’d think that was the only thing happening in the entire world at that given moment of time. LEAD story,too! JESUS CHRIST could return, and He’d be upstaged by some transvestite tripping, and spilling a Coke on a parking lot! Oh yeah, did ya’ll know the Pope is a communist? There was even a story about Miley Cyrus poking fun at the Bible. Like that’s a surprise? Have you checked out her little dance step. I liked when she was Hanna Montana, but what do you do when you grow up, and lose your contract because you’re basically ugly, and a slut? That’s an old word my younger readers need to get used to. Slut: Prostitute who’s too stupid to charge for it.

And, of course, everybody’s looking forward to the race war that’s coming. A few kids with their pants sagging sit down in the street and “IT’S A RACE WAR, IT’S A RACE WAR!” We already HAD a race war back in the 1860’s. Oh God, here come the flags again! I found ONE story worth reading, and that was the one about the one-legged vet who had to put his dog down. The dog was trained to sniff out seventy different bombs, and had saved many lives. The whole town turned out to accompany him to the doctor, and go to rest. Uh, didn’t see any Confederate flags in the crowd.

Then I caught Chris Green, Alternative TV, and of course he was ranting and raving about that flag flap. Then he turned on Col. Allen West. He showed a clip of some black, bearded fanatic, and kept calling him Col. West. I was reminded of an old George Carlin line; Seems fairly intelligent . . . Ah! He’s full of s . . . .!” You have to watch conspiracy theorists just about as close as you watch Main Stream Media. Right before Green regurgitated his dialog he did a commercial trying to sell body armor to all the nice folks out there waiting for Jade Helm to kick in, oh don’t get me started! We are going through that flap down here in Texas right now. I’m sure there is SOMETHING there, because even Governor Abbott is putting armor plating on his wheel chair. (You’d think that after getting the Governor’s office he’d have picked up a Hoveround somewhere along the way, wouldn’t you?) it’s a nice fantasy, I guess. I have a fantasy. Me, locked away in a bomb shelter, hiding from Jade Helm, with five Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders and a case of Jim Beam. Do THAT math!

So, I found myself having coffee this morning, waiting to see what’s next. Will ISIS invade New York? Will the Jews take over the world? Will Bruce Gender become pregnant? Will global warming make California a bigger desert than it’s always been? Will we have to read yet another story from Roof’s stepmother (another slut) telling us what a “nice boy” he really was? Will Alex Jones sell yet another water purification system? Stand by for NEWS!

Simple Ol’ Boy From Austin


Let Them Drink Wine!

If you want to make a liberal mad just attack their religion. Now, liberal religion has many facets. Gay marriage, dead babies, food stamps, properly colored presidents, but the underlying truth that permeates it all is Global Warming! Oh my LIVING God! If you want to make a liberal want to buy a gun and shoot up the mall just suggest that mother earth is behaving just as she has for the last four BILLION freaking years!

Al Gore couldn’t really make it as a politician, so he decided to take over the planet instead. Anyway, he flies around in his private jet convincing all these potheads that the earth is changing into a huge microwave. But, you ask, what harm is he doing trying to alert us to something he really believes in? I mean, he really can’t do squat about it, right? WRONG! While he can’t change the temperature one degree he can certainly change your bank account. You see, in the global warming theory you must pay to play. Can’t participate in the end of the world without a program!

I’m not going to get into all the “scientific” data supporting this Looney Tune, but I’d just like to point out a simple fact. Science, as opposed to religion, depends on observation. If you drop a ball to,the ground, and you can subsequently drop said ball twenty more times, you must reason that there must be some unseen force causing the ball to bounce. Voila! Gravity! Wanna know why the “theory” of evolution is still a theory? That’s right, friends and neighbors, it’s still a theory. Well, that because there ain’t no Neanderthals a sipping a Lateé down at the mall, that’s why! You see, you gotta SEE it to prove it.

You can’t prove Global Warming, or cooling from just a hundred years or so of weather reports. Is the earth changing. Why heck yeah! Does it all the time. The planet wobbles through space, chasing the sun, which is chasing the Milky Way, which is chasing all the other results of the Big Bang as they all cork screw through the intergalactic playing field. We are barreling skelter behind a huge hydrogen bomb, and Al Gore is trying to put a thermostat on it! And the call ME a simple ol’ boy!

But, all that doesn’t make any difference to liberals bent on the end of days. Funny how people who don’t believe in God put so much stock in Armageddon. And don’t let California have a drought! DUDES! California IS a drought! Some very slick salesmen convinced a bunch of very gullible people that this desert was the “happening” place to be. So what we ended up with was a stretch of land that was never intended to support more than a few Mexicans and a hand full of crazy prospectors ramping up to a population of millions, and they’re wondering where all the water went. Los Angeles NEVER had any water. They had to pipe it in! Fact, look it up!

In spite of his best efforts, Al Gore will not influence the natural history of planet earth. California had the warmest winter on record? Does SoCal even HAVE a winter? Anyway, Al Gore was the only one bummed out; everybody else got into it. But, the people of California don’t have any water to drink. Then let them drink wine!