How To Be A Writer 101

During a get together last night someone posed the question all writers dread. “How much money have you made?” This will throw the unseasoned off, and result in everything from excuses to outright anger, but I’ve been doing this a long time, and said, “Not a cent.” I’m not a real writer, I’m more of an accidental tourist. My entire writing career has been backing into a corner, and writing my way out. My patent advice to beginners is if you are writing for money stop, and sell snow cones. You’ll make more.

You must write because you enjoy it. If the dollar signs are before your eyes composition becomes laborious, and that will work its way into your material. For me writing an article is like painting a picture. You do the whole thing, and then go back putting a dab here, a dab there, until you get what you want. The whole picture must fit. When I dream up a subject I pretty much have the entire concept in my head, and the resulting article is the summation thereof.

You have to learn the craft. I wrote music for years, and finally got that down to where I could churn out a fairly good song, but I’ve only been in political satire for about two years. I’m still in training. That, and I have a high school education from Killeen, Texas, and that’s just about as illiterate as you can get and they still let you drive a car. I know absolutely nothing about composition, subject-verb agreement, proper English, or adjectives. What I do know is how to turn a phrase, use sixty-four years of common sense, and poke fun at liberals who don’t know what sex they are.

You all know the famous writers, King, Hemmingway, and Grisham. Those are rare. If you are going to be a successful writer, i.e. write every day and get read you have to be successful in your own right. Mine was real estate. By dumb luck I formed a company with my wife and sold a boat load of real estate. In the process I became versed in real estate law, and brothers and sisters, I ain’t kidding. I have sat before the Texas Real Estate Commission, representing brokers twelve times and schooled them! The only time I ever lost was when we used a lawyer (Ted Smith) and his brilliance cost me forty-six thousand dollars. The fact is, if you are going to write you must experience life else you have nothing to write about. In Nashville all beginning songwriters go on endlessly about “paying dues,” and the life of a songwriter. I just wrote songs about loose women and bad whiskey because I knew all about that, and couldn’t find the Grand Ol’ Opry with a GPS!

All my stuff is original, right off the top of my head. I write “off the cuff,” and call myself “A Simple Ol’ Boy From Austin.” That way, if I foul up I can always say, “Hey, I TOLD you I was stupid!” Like I said, I was a song writer, adult country humor to be exact. Although I’d written three books I didn’t consider myself to be much of a prose writer. I put one or two little comments up on Doc Greene’s chat room. I’d always had several Facebook pages, but never developed them. As you may have seen yesterday I have divorced Facebook, but, just like a real divorce, she keeps coming around, so we’ll see how that goes. Facebook is worthless to me, but I want to bring my reader base over to more productive formats. Anyway, I kept making comments on Doc’s chat room and little by little I began to expand the comments to articles and put them up on various pages and groups.

A friend of mine suggested I do a blog. I’ve always considered a blog to be a poor man’s publishing, but it took little effort so I ran one. Then someone suggested that I string the articles together and do a book, so I did. I published through Amazon, which is another poor man’s effort, but the price is right. I wasn’t particularly happy with the layout, and getting them to accept the cover was an ordeal, but the words were all there. That, and the fact that I wrote the book on an iPhone. Published it from an iPhone too. How cool is THAT? I just love it when someone gets on me about my punctuation, not realizing I write mostly on an iPhone, in the morning, with dirty glasses. Go Figure!

I began to attend political events, and drawing upon what I was writing I actually had something to say. The stats began to pile up and I realized this was working, which was never my intention at all. Bear in mind I was retired after a career in Nashville and Austin. Divorced, I had been living with my son out in California and hanging out near Ocotillo Wells. My ambition was to have Martinis with co-eds and play guitar on the beach. I migrated back to Texas, and ended up taking care of my five grandchildren which my ex had adopted and actually looking after her husband who had been diagnosed with Agent Orange and cancer. He actually subscribed to my blogs and began to discuss Texas politics with me. The man has three bronze stars and a purple heart. When I would tell him I was “thinking” about going to some rally he’d rush out, buy me a new suit of clothes (I’m a desert rat) and insist that I go! They eventually moved up to Salt Lake and left me to care for the two houses back in Texas. (So much for retirement.)

So, I began a routine of putting up an article a day on Raging Elephants and various groups writing blogs and sitting on the porch composing on my iPhone, none of which I took very seriously. I made the style simple so the average reader could understand. I would take an issue, step back, look at it, and ask, “What’s REALLY going on here?” Originally I made it salty. Since I was a song writer I made the articles “go ’round in ‘circles.” I used key phrases like, “Swat them bees,” and “Save your fork,” to alert the reader. I read a lot, but I don’t do research per sae outside of checking the correct spelling of someone’s name. After I wrote something I read it out loud. This is an old songwriter’s trick. The article must go around in circles. The human mind looks for conclusion. You start, explain, and end up right back where you started. Hammer that nail! The reason for reading out loud is to make the prose smooth. Forget everything some college English teacher ever told you. If they knew anything about writing they’d be in the New York Times list and not teaching in some Po-Dunk junior college out in Coryell County, Texas! I regularly use “don’t” for “doesn’t,” double negatives, and I’m real fond of the word, “ain’t,” because that’s what Bubba sitting in his F-150 with his copy of the Dam Good Times understands!

I learn by listening to people who obviously have more comprehension than I, and for the most part they have been very supportive. I never argue, and most of the time I’m not rude, unless you count putting up “Leatherface,” and making a racial slur, yeah, I done that. I’m very aware that I’m a beginner with absolutely NO training. I’d end up on a radio show with some guy who had more degrees than a thermometer, and I didn’t have the background to debate a brisket recipe, much less black history (I’m from Texas, so I simply must be a racist, right?) ! About the worse I’ve ever done is to ask a professor on Michael Bee’s show, who was expounding his theory of the black tribes in Africa civilizing Egypt and the western world, why I couldn’t find any great pyramids in the Congo. (He told me the Illuminati had “cloaked” them!) Being an adult humorist I originally used very salty language, but began to pull back as I realized people were actually READING my stuff!

My first book on this subject, “A Simple Ol’ Boy From Austin” was so so, but I’m now putting together a second book, “I Crappith Thee NOT,” in which I will zero in more on style, and content. I don’t expect to hit the best seller list. I am retired and between me, and my husband in law we have three homes. The old sarge was hanging on for dear life because he wanted to get a place out in SoCal and have me to take him sand railing across the Mojave Desert before he died. He always told me, “The best is yet to come.” Maybe he knew something I didn’t.

The way I look at it I will never get an honorable mention in the New York Times, but hey . . .I live in Texas! You can buy a lot of beer with 50,000 sales! I am always grateful for people who put up with me, and I learn from greater minds than my own. Simple Ol’ Boy From Austin is the personification of a philosophy. If you are going to write you must divorce ego. I am really simple, as are most people. I have no remote idea how many people read my stuff. I know my one reader, my mother no longer does because she’s dead. I have never in my life ran into someone at the supermarket that ever read anything I ever wrote. Pump up your ego and you’ll get your feeling hurt quick!

Once, when I attended a meeting where I spoke, when I emerged someone was asking me all kinds of questions about my opinions about this and that, and using words I didn’t understand. I told her, “Well, I don’t know nothing about all of that, but they sure got some good samiches in there.” Guess she didn’t like the cuisine, because she left.
Simple Ol’ Boy From Austin


Thoughts of an Illiterate Blogger

Do you know how hard it is to do a dozen articles a day, and not come off like a contradictory fool? I worry about that. I find myself combing over past posts to see if I’m reversing myself. I am not very politically astute. No, really. When I say I’m a Simple Ol’ Boy from Austin, what I’m really saying is I write simply. I can be complex, I just choose not to. I feel that the world is complicated enough without dancing around words trying to paint myself into a corner. And look at my qualifications. High School diploma from Killeen High School. Now folks, that’s about as illiterate as you can get and they still let you drive a car!

With my friends and supporters I walk a line trying to agree with and please, but I do have rules. I’ve found that when I write an article that I personally think will be my undoing, THOSE are the hits! I really do avoid being controversial, but let’s face it, when you have a pen name like, “Bill the Butcher,” well, people expect things, you know.

The more I write the more I settle on what I believe. Like Doc said about me last week, there are times when I don’t even know my position until I begin to write. I do take inspiration from others I respect. Our opinions differ. For instance, I’m not all torn up about Jade Helm. I guess it’s from living near Fort Hood, and putting up with cannon fire and gun ships flying over my head most of my life. I AM concerned about ISIS because I know the dynamic driving them, and I really DO think Muslims in our state bear watching. I don’t give a flip about gay marriage. I can accept gay people, I just don’t want one of them marrying my sister.

My neck is not near as red as it used to be. Time was when I really said, and wrote some outlandish stuff. Here’s the deal. YOU sell three million records on the black market out of a garage in Harker Heights, Texas, then come back and tell me all about it! Publishing has changed a lot since 1994. Back then you had to have “distribution.” Now, all you need is an iPad. Being exposed to loads of other opinions has lightened my neck considerably. Hey, I can even get along with someone from California if she’s cute.

I study all the time. You may not believe it, but as I was writing about the attack in Garland this week I was reading a psychological study of Joseph Smith’s mindset in the context of his times. In modern times he would have just wrote the Book of Mormon and left the “inspiration” involved to the conjecture of his readers, but in the magical world view of the 1830’s . . .well, people expect things. Understanding people like Joseph Smith helps me understand politicians. Connect those dots! There IS a connection there people, trust me.

People believe the absurd. They want magic. Hence religion. Now don’t get me wrong. I am a theist. I even believe in Jesus Christ. I just don’t believe in religion. Religion is man’s feeble attempt to explain the unexplainable. I try not to really pick on people’s religious beliefs, but as a writer I KNOW how Mohammed came up with the Qu’ran and Joseph Smith penned the Book of Mormon, and it ain’t hard to figure out, folks. I have a nephew who once spent hours trying to convince me that during a seance, Satan, the evil one, arch angel, fallen from glory, source of all evil, came all the way from hell to beautiful downtown Killeen, Texas just to chunk rocks over a fence at him. I don’t try to pick on people’s religious beliefs, but it’s hard. People read into religion their own desires. Now, that’s ok until you start stoning pretty girls for looking good in jeans or tell me I can’t have a Martini, then we gotta talk. Come to think of it . . . pretty girls . . . martinis . . .stoned, but I digress.

I don’t chase women as much as I used to because I have a bad leg that seems to be getting worse with age, and they keep getting away. Also I’ve found that double amputees do not attract me. Wait, let me think about that one. Sometimes I worry about myself. Anyway, as I blog myself to literary hell I thank you for putting up with me, and reading. Communication is the most important thing. I figured that out after five ex-wives you know. I keep my style simple, like I said. I write like I speak. I have a friend with like a double degree in writing, literature, stuff like that. Kid writes for a solid week, ain’t said nothing! I now have written thousands of articles that have gone all over the world. Not bad for someone who couldn’t pass high school English, huh?

Writing in Today’s World

Writing and putting a book out is an MF’r! Oh, I’m sorry, good Sunday morning everyone. Anyway, tying up all the lose ends and getting a book out to the public can be an exhausting experience. When you start one of these things you really don’t intend to finish it, or at least I don’t. Mine usually start as a few lines, maybe a page or two, never anything like a PLAN or anything like that, oh no! When I write a novel I usually write the end first. I write jokes like that, too. Come up with some funny line, and then have to fill in story to support the humor.

I think along about page sixty or so it begins to dawn on me that this thing is a bit more than a grocery list. At that point some sort of direction begins to form, but nothing that’s going to intimidate Hemingway, or anything like that, just several pages that seem to be on the same track, but don’t quote me on that. Then two things happen. First you become inspired, and that’s dangerous. When you become inspired you stop combing your hair. The next is what goes into this particular work becomes restricted. If you’re crazy enough you think you might actually have some kind of “message” for the people, you start being very careful about what you put in. Now this works up to a point because if you’re not too schizophrenic what fits, and what doesn’t fit becomes readily apparent soon enough.

In my latest assault on human intelligence there was this one chapter. Since it was a book of political satire, I had to include this one particular subject, which was about as funny as a birthday party at Auschwitz, so I scanned the Internet and found several news stories to substantiate my views and put them all in. Several things wrong with this. First of all it’s just plain ol’ down home plagiarism. Next it’s the lazy man’s way out. When I see an article with a lot of quotes, figures, and bits and pieces from other sources I simply won’t read it. Anyway, this chapter didn’t fit in any way with the spirit of the book, and it took Amazon, oh, about three hours to pack it in my ear. I ended up replacing it with another article that I had written, which was clever, serious, and had a twist at the end, which was still not funny, makes the reader think, and consider.

You ramble on for a period of time and then one day it looks like this thing may be a book, and could be drawing to a logical end. To show you how stupid I really am, it’s along about this point that I begin to save copies on flash sticks. Up until that point I’m writing on just about anything. I have written a book on a iPhone! It is also long aboutnthis time you begin to think about editing. Now, I’m fixing (how do you like that Texas slang? “Fixing!) anyway, I’m fixing to step off into uncharted territory here that’s going to alienate, oh, about ninety-nine percent of the published world, but I don’t believe in editors. I had one once.

Back in the day, when literacy was the standard, prose, punctuation, syntax, and other things were important. Well, Facebook and texting did away with all that crap. This is good and bad. The bad is that very ignorant people can now have their moment in the sun to a very large portion of the population, who are just as stupid as they are. Stupid people have influence. If you don’t believe that, just look at the White House, but I digress. The good part is that language, English in particular, has been reduced to a level that most people can comprehend. When you’re writing for the boys and girls down at Harvard that’s one thing, but when you’re targeting Texas A&M, and you’re a two-bit blogger, such as myself, you have to communicate in the local vernacular. “Cast your eyes in yon direction” will translate to, “Lookee yonder!” Now, I’m not slandering the Aggies, but . . . Oh, forget that, yes I am, but let’s continue.

If you have any native intelligence at all you will pick up on some of the more basic rules of writing. Past tense, future tense, and all that stuff becomes apparent. You won’t really be able to articulate why it works, you’ll just feel it. You will know when you make mistakes. Sort of like when you meet some girl in a bar, talk with her for fifteen minutes, she goes to the rest room and never comes back. Like that! I throw out bits and pieces here and there, and friends who DID finish high school will point out goofy stuff to me. That’s editing! With this last book I sent copies to a friend of mine down at a radio station in Houston. As it turned out, he liked the articles and the owner of the station was kind enough to run a substantial amount of them on their web page, AND even read them on the air, which is always good. I intended him to read over the finished book and get back with me, but after Amazon had animal sex with me, I realized my friend had already READ most of the book anyway! The most important ingredient was already there, COMMUNICATION! Who is a better editor? A radio talk show host with thousands of listeners, or some old bat in a New York flat catering to a bunch of people who’ll never buy your book ANYWAY? Do the math. (And it’s real simple math, folks,)

Spelling is sort of important, but it’s not a deal killer. I try never to use a word that’s smarter than I am. I level out around three syllables. On occasion I’ll chunk in a four, but that’s rare for me. When Texans see too many four syllable words they will tag you as a Yankee, and that IS a deal killer. I try not to cuss too much. Sometimes it fits. I don’t cater to thin skinned liberals, but I do want to get at least SOME of my ideas across the Red River, and there IS a contingent out there who still don’t know what an S.O.B. is so I have to weigh my options. I write about politics and there ARE some S.O.B.’s out,there, trust me. I use spell check, but I don’t pray to it, especially when I manufacture a word here and there. And auto correct? Oh my God! Remember when I told you about the people who had been schooled on Facebook vernacular? Well, auto correct is for them. I put auto correct in the same basket with that animated paper clip in Word that dances around and tries to tell you about sentence structure. As soon as I realized I was listening to a paper clip I turned that little prick OFF! I don’t CARE if it’s an incomplete sentence. Miss Hornbuckle back at Killeen High School is not grading this paper, ok?

After it’s all over and you push the button depression sets in. Oh yeah. You must understand that all writers are crazy, myself included, and fifty percent are crazier than THAT! After all is said and done, and the book is finally out you will experience a void, but that void is nothing compared to what you feel when you re-read your PUBLISHED work. At this point you seriously consider using a Pen Name. The duration of this depression depends on your basic mental health and medication. A bottle of Jim Beam usually does the trick for me. I try not to get depressed on Sunday because I live in Texas, and Texans never seem to plan ahead on Saturday night.

Don’t watch sales. Therein lies madness! If you get a check, dance in the street. If you don’t get a check, don’t tell anybody. Remember, most people have never written a book, and those who do will never make a dime. It’s not about that. It’s about communicating. If you are not communicating, and make a million bucks, you have failed! If you get a check for six dollars and thousands of people are sharing your blog, then you have touched the essence of what writing is really all about!

Still Crazy After All These Years

With midterm elections over it’s time to look to the future and address issues that have been cropping up here and there. First a little personal business, which I never do but you gotta air the laundry sometime. As a lot of you know we fought an epic battle with the CPS over my grand kids. I will NOT bore you with the details because they are boring. Suffice to say it destroyed our business, cost us a couple million, and in the end our family was scattered to the wind, BUT the babies are safe, and after several name changes they are growing up within the family. It cost us something else. Jackie went to ground exactly like she said she’d do, and I had to divorce my wife of thirty years to satisfy the CPS’ ego. My now ex-wife gave her business, her homes and her health to save the babies. She has suffered three heart attacks due to this pressure, surviving the latest two days ago. The good news is things are looking good. The family came together in support from all over the world, all but our little Jackie, but we respect her absence, and strength. She really did stand at the gates of the Alamo, and from her ashes a Phoenix rose. Sometimes all a person has to offer is their blood, and the little Jew from Detroit gave all.

Now to elections. I supported Kathie Glass. I knew from the beginning that a win was not in the cards, but once you are in the presence of Jackie, standing beside Kathie is easy! Now that it’s over I can speak freely. Kathie had some good ideas. I spoke with her one on one. Her problem was the Libertarian party. How can I put this? Let me see. Ok, the Libertarian party is as crazy as a fart in a hurricane. That about sums it up. The Gay Alliance shattered any semblance of unity like glass. There was a movement at the convention to vote NOTA, none of the above. I said it then, and I say it now, why drive all,that way, spend all,those hours, and all that money, to walk out of the convention with no candidate? And I listened to all these seasoned Libertarians telling me all about this NOTA crap, but, as always, I’m just a simple ol’ boy from Austin and that don’t make no SENSE!

There were improprieties at the convention. Candidates not eligible, candidates with warrants, and candidates laying in fields of blue bonnets with their butts sticking up in the air. (And they call ME Weird Wilbur!) There was no unity or purpose. Kathie took the nomination, but what did she get? She got NO support from the party as individual members pursued their various windmills. Well, it’s over, we lost, and we’re “Still crazy after all these years!” (You can swat them bees now.)

I did not agree with Kathie not supporting Doc Greene after his remarks on the gay lifestyle. I would have stood with him. He hated the sin while loving the sinner. I heard the broadcast. I read the transcript. That lifestyle is dangerous. It IS irregular. I’m not sucking up, but I don’t pick friends based on their sexuality. And I’m not a liberal. I just don’t have time for it. Doc stood by Kathie even after he stepped down from his position with the party. I respect that. I didn’t voice my opinion because we we fighting for a win, or at least a “show” in the horse race of politics. Well, we got that “show.” We showed our butts! I stayed in for the long haul, but I am no longer a Libertarian.

Now for a final feature. I missed the Doc Greene show yesterday, but I was on Mikee Bee’s show last night and from what I gathered there was a point of contention in the Raging Elephants chat room yesterday. I understand all positions. Mikee perceived statements as being told how to think. Doc’s position was a vote, so matter how hopeless, is still a vote. As I said on the show last night I hope all parties can meet on middle ground and work it all out.

One thing you must remember is the Apostle Claver runs this deal. It was his idea, his inspiration and his plan to change the demographics of the Republican Party to include more black people who have been mislead and double crossed by the Democrats. That’s the core of Raging Elephants. There are dozens of side issues, but that’s the purpose of the broadcasts. If the public likes the content the station will succeed. If not, change the format. It’s as simple as that.

So, finally, we are stuck with Abbott. (This is my surprised face.) Political realities. You need a unified party to win, and Texas women will not support baby killing whores no matter how “in” they come across. We still have a border problem. People are still in prison for smoking a joint, and the DPS is still ignoring the Texas constitution, marching to the beat of its own drummer. We have work to do! Usually I try to inject a little humor. Sorry I’m not very funny today, but did you hear the one about the two Rabbis walking into a bar with a alligator on a leash?

Facebook hacking and Nigerian romance scams

During my experiences with all these Nigerian beauty queens I ran across a hacking technique geared for Facebook. I’ve mentioned this before, but for those who missed it I’m going to repost.

You’re on Facebook, bopping along, and suddenly a page appears. Looks official, has all the colors, fonts, and wording, and it’s telling you in order to proceed you must re-enter your log in information. Now, if you do nothing will appear to happen. You’ll wait to see what’s coming up and after a minute or two you’ll “backpage” and there Facebook is, all prim and proper. You’ll breathe a sigh of relief and go on about your business. You’ve just given your user name and password to a hacker! The page you saw was a simple form like the ones you fill out searching for items on the Internet to purchase, etc, but instead of sending back to the originator your preference on bedrooms it has gleaned your log in information, and Kunta is feverishly ripping your identity up one side and down the other.

I fell for this! And not because I was stupid, because I was busy. I was conversing with four Nigerian scammers simultaneously and when the page popped up I just clicked the information and went right on, but I noticed two things. Now I’m a MacHead, ok. The colors were slightly off, and the focus was too. We Mac people get all screwed up about such things and will recalibrate our displays in a heartbeat. When I backpaged the display was correct!

The solution? If, like me, you were just too busy to notice, and filled in the blanks restart Facebook, NOW! Go immediately to your account information and change that password! I did this, and almost immediately got a private message from one of my “girl friends” asking what was wrong? Didn’t I love he/she/it any more? Like the old axiom says, when you throw a rock into a pack of dogs the hit dog always runs.

While we’re on the subject, let me give a refresher course on Internet girlfriends from somewhere “over there.” Rule number one is NEVER take serious any contact from Nigeria or Ghana, for what ever the reason they say they are there. They are there because they were BORN there! They get up in the morning, get in their car, which looks a lot like yours, go to some call center and begin to run accounts. Some are sophisticated and some aren’t. Some have the ability to carry on complicated conversation and others, well, I’ve described depraved sexual advances that would embarrass the Marquis de Sade, and the response is, “Uh yeah.” I’ve told one I just did three lines of coke and had three high school cheer leaders kidnapped in my garage and the answer was, ” So glad you have friends.”

And they change shifts! Just like Austin! I chewed on one scammer like Juicy Fruit two nights ago, catching them dead to right and made them cyber-bleed (thanks for your assistance Master Chief) and the very next morning had a message from the same scammer, “My love!” If I ran one of these call centers I’d at least have the team members keep accurate case notes.

The next rule is so simple it should be somewhere in the Bible. Don’t ever, ever, ever, ever, (did I say ever) send money to anyone you meet in a romance on the net! And it always comes down to that. That’s the sting. No matter how detailed, or believable the story line is there will always be a sting. That’s why they’re there! The request begins small and surprisingly reasonable. Remember, you are not the only love of their life. One scammer was caught working eighty-eight accounts that he was pumping at the same time. And you get mental image of these people looking like all those “Save the Children” spots you’ve seen on TV. These guys get up, and make a ton of money, and hang out in a Vegas style setting. They are superstars to their friends because they have tons of money and make a fool out of what they consider fat, rich, dumb westerners. Oh yeah, Americans are not alone. Brits, and especially Aussies are on the list, too.

When they ask for money simply refuse. Or, better yet, have a phony Western Union number and bounce em all over Accra trying to cash it. If you accept one fact you will be just fine. There is not one honest person in Nigeria or Ghana, hell, just make it Africa. No matter how believable it is it is always a scam, and most of the time it is always a man. So, if you get off on cyber sexing Big Daddy Idi Amin, dooooooode!

I use the cyber for my own entertainment, and not what you think, you pervs out there, I have a real girl called Frenchi for that. No, I see how far I can get them to bend reality realizing fully well that my mark is probably communicating through translation software. That in itself will screw them up, evidence I told one, “I’d really like to bang you,” to which I got the response, “Bomb?” I type so fast, and I am a writer, I’ve considered submitting my logs to the Guinness Book of World Records for cyber sexing the most Nigerians at one time! One particularly funny note, the other night I mistakenly sent the wrong message to one. I was having an argument with one, he had actually confessed to me what he was, but was explaining how he had to support his family, which I have no problem with, and I sent him the message meant for another account that I was talking with, describing a sexual position I’d seen in the Karma Sutra. He responded automatically, “My love!” Guess he was working too many accounts, too.

Now, this all sounds funny, but there’s a down side. Right here, in beautiful, downtown Killeen, Texas, a local businessman sold his business, and emptied his bank account to fulfill the dreams of his Nigerian “girlfriend!” But then Killeen is off the charts. An esteemed member of the Board of Realtors here showed up to meet his 13 year old friend with a six pack and a pack of condoms and got to meet MSNBC. Go figure!

If you follow these simple instructions you’ll never get hurt. And all jokes aside, the emotional bonds can be real. I’ve caught myself having real conversations with scammers about mundane subjects, but the sting always comes. “The robbers took all my money and the baby is hungry.”

When you go looking for love on the Internet you wind up in Africa

When you wind up in Africa you meet a girl who looks like Paula Abdul

When you meet a girl who looks like Paula Abdul you become attached

When you become attached you send all your money to Nigeria

When you send all your money to Nigeria your friends laugh their asses off at you at Starbucks the next day.

Don’t let your friends laugh their asses off at you . . .get Dish Network!

Where’s My $5,000 American?????

Submitted for your consideration one Catherine currently residing in Cote d Ivoire, Africa. She/He/It greeted me some days ago asking me my status and giving me the usual story that she was a French transplant who moved to Africa because of the expensive lifestyle in France. She threw in the sad fact that both of her parents are dead. If you will note, many days later she told me if she came to see me I had to make sure her mother had money to take care of her. As usual, I told her the absolute truth about myself, but upon subsequent conversation I went ahead and punked her. Asked her at one point her size so I could buy her a night gown. Knowing that there was a 95% chance I was talking to a man I just couldn’t resist the line from Men’s Warehouse, “You’re gonna like the way ya look, I guarantee it!” I strung “it” along and when the answer (and the $5,000 requested) wasn’t forth coming we see the usual threat, “damage then.” She is the first line, with me alternating my responses every other line. Instead of a trip to America I booked her a passage to The Wilbur Zone. Ladies and gentlemen, Catherine of Cote d Ivoire!

how are you ?

Fine, and yourself?

I’m fine thank you so tell me a little about you made your biiographie if you do not mind?

I’m a writer. I’m 61. I’m divorced. I’m a gentleman. I live in Texas

ah ok and t you call how you search anything on the net.?

Look up Weird Wilbur on Google

sorry I can not see

Where are you?

I life in Africa precisely in cote d ivoire but I am French and my first name is catherine c about you?

I am Wilbur. What country are you in?

Wilbur delighted me is catherine c I live in cote d ivoire africa precisely but I am of French origin because I have caused left France because of the expensive life in France since the death of both my parents in a car acident j expected that you understand me?

Oh, totally

so tell me about you, you think your life again one day c is to say is what you looking for a woman?

I’m single now. Getting my publishing together.

ah ok y me dicen que la investigación exactamente qué tipo de mujer?

English please


you research what kind of woman?

Not really looking any more. Have girl friends but that’s about all.

yes it is just that I am not happy and I’m new on the net for one reason make me new knowledge to find a serious man who will love and m give me his true love heart

I wish I could find such a woman

and tell me what country you are living presently?
I life in Africa precisely in cote d ivoire

I live in the us. My wife died four years ago. We had a real estate business.

you life in which country?
I c is catherine of French origin unmarried woman without children soon 31years 32years working in a salon beautée

I live in the USA in one of my four houses

ah ok no worries then tell me why you have not found a woman with you? you think finding a wife on the net, you believe in the love of the net?

I have not really looked for one. I would like to meet one now. I would like to get to know her. If she is away I would bring her here

ah ok I understand you I’m not a rich woman and I live far away from you if it ever wanted to walk us how are we going to do because I can not pay my ticket and I think you’re really good as a man because you’re the kind of man I am looking for a man who lives alone

I live alone with my little dog. After my wife died in a car crash I moved from the house we lived in to the bigger house because I missed her. I guess I would have to buy plane tickets for you

ouii biensur me a transfer of money so I can do all my papers and also the booking of my ticket j hoped you understand? really sorry for your wife, but I also would like to j make your acquaintance because I am also unmarried and I would like to live with a serious man like you

Couldn’t I just buy you a plane ticket?
How much to you need to do your papers?

oh yeah if you want but then you have to make me clench a transfer pourque I can settle everything here because I live here with my mother and I have great store many things before my departure

Ok, how much money are we talking about?

j would need $ 5,000 to settle all my papers and store all my stuff too

How would I send it. I’ve never sent money to another country.

you realize in a position and you do request a warrant via western union j hoped you know well?

Oh, ok. I know Western Union

and you will also need to perform my data transfer

How do I do that?

ouii c is his you know if I tell you all this is that I’m really excited to meet you and if you m sending this amount will be living proof that you really alone and you really want to know me and me too I would be very happy to meet you.
well then as I have t say I’ll give you my address and you turn yourself in a Western Union agency you request to transfer via Western Union and through my contact you sending the money I t have asked for my papers and they will give you a transfer code of 10 digits as his I can removed the money once you give me the code. and you must also asked a question and gave an answer that all the parties in terms you understand j expected?


tell me you’re really inspired to do my meeting…?

You are very beautiful. Would love to meet you. This is so wonderful. I’m 61. I never thought such a young beautiful woman would want to meet me

ok no worries I see so I’ll give you my contact pourque can do the office? because I also never thought I’d find a serious man like you and your words still give me more eager to make your acquaintance as the age does not matter to me because I love looking for the true love of the heart


yes I’m really sincere with you so I give you my address pourque you can do the office?

It will take about an hour. I have to run to the bank and they are open until noon.

ouii I understand you so I give you tell me yes or no?

Yes yes

Name: aman
first name: catherine elouah
Country: cote d ivoire
City: Grand Bassam
ok here is my contact you j Receipts well as expected thanks to its coodonnées the mandate you can do if you really want to make the mandate pourque I come to thee

Ok. Give me an hour. I will check on plane tickets too. I’m so excited. Do I need to put a code word for you on the Western Union?

No no you have not checked because I t did not give a fixed price but I t have asked for a sum or I can do all my papers because I have many things to do apart the ticket such as I have left a little of money to my great mother to do some shopping for clothes and many other expected day you understand

Yes. Then how much do you need?

not once you finish filling out the form with my coordinates of course they will give them even a code c is you who will then give me pourque I can withdraw money without taking the head you understand?

Oh, ok. Like I said, I’ve never sent money to another country.

I have totally need I say $ 5,000 American


yes I understand you then you can send that amount of $ 5,000 American? be sincere and honest with me stp

Give me an hour. I have to run to the bank. Also, what size nightgown do you wear ? I respect you. I’m as honest as I know you are.

lolll I laugh I am still connected now you go j expected you not play with me Wilbur?

I’m not playing. Believe me.

ok no worries then shows me that you are man of his word and I’ll prove it to myself that I want a man I will come unto thee quickly because I’d be very happy also

I am going to flood you with such emotion that you will quiver and shake like a school girl. You will never forget me. I really want to buy you a night gown. You’re gonna like the way ya look, I guarantee it!

ah good then you come back with the transfer references how long the pourque I can have?

It will take me about an hour, I have to run. What’s the size of your nightgown. I want to buy you one.

n is listening you have to buy a shirt m me everything I want to c is that you prove to me before you meet your words then go al transfer agency Western Union to me the mandate to $ 5,000 American so I can be after once reassured by your side I would be delighted to accept all your gifts


you’re gone? you’re gone? No more am writing you? c you see is what I was afraid if you were really serious and here for the answer for you! damage then
But why, you answer me? when you played with me it is his? attend the call . . .HONEY

Handing A Dating Scammer Their Face 101

Update on Ghana Dating Scams

After punking “Rosemond” yesterday I did some online research into what is a booming business in Ghana. While the Nigerians invented these cons the scammers in Ghana have taken it to an entirely new level. I’ve seen interviews with people who work the call centers, or Internet cafes, and I’ve read dozens of cases studies. I must say on one level I was impressed with the volume of work these people do. On the other hand, if they put such technology, and industry into legitimate help centers they could make good money legitimately. I’ve come to some some conclusions.

Now, I know I’m going to get some resistance on this but rule number one is very simple, if you meet anyone online who tells you they are from anywhere in Africa they are scamming you. These people have no morals, to human feeling and are only out to steal as much money as they can. I can already hear it, “Oh, Wilbur, how can you condemn an entire continent?” It’s easy. That’s what they are, and if you remember that rule you will never be scammed. Verily, verily I say unto you, nine times out of ten you are not even talking to a woman, it’s a man, and that man does not look like Brittney Spears, more than likely he looks like Big Daddy Idi Amin! And you’ll be telling him you want to kiss his belly.

If you ignore this simple rule, and think there still might be a chance for international love rule two is never ever send any money. No matter how detailed the story, no matter how complex the assurances, don’t even send a dime for a parking meter. I’ve given the scenarios here but to recap, no one but no one has inherited a huge amount of Gold in Ghana. If they did the government would kill them and take it. I read a write up on Ghana, and it was referred to as a democracy. These are the same people who have monstrous civil wars because the bones in their noses point in different directions.

I have a friend. She lives in England. I have another. She lives in California. Neither of these ladies have ever asked me for a dime. I may meet the one in California during one of my trips, but I don’t know if I’ll ever meet the lady from England. If she ever comes to America on holiday I will try to have dinner with her on the Riverwalk in San Antonio. I would love her to have a nice suite at the Marriott with a balcony overlooking the walk, and, of course, we will do the Alamo. Not very exotic is it? That’s because she is real! Just as the lady is in California. I plan going to a winery with her if we can swing it. She loves horses and I have a friend that will let her ride to her heart’s content.

Rule three is if you can’t make it with real women you know give it up. The fundamental part of any con is the greed of the mark. The scammer couldn’t scam you if you weren’t scamming in the first place. Fact is, if you can’t find company in your town, why leap to the Internet? You do it because you either feel inadequate or you, too, have something you are withholding. Maybe you’re fat, maybe your old, or perhaps you are just shy, it doesn’t matter. Fat, old, shy people find love every day and it doesn’t cost $10,000 to get it. I have a limp and I’m 61 years old. I’m not very romantic and I have no style with with women. I wouldn’t pick up on a sexual signal from a girl if she typed it in Braille and stuck it up my ass! That’s why I live alone. And that doesn’t bother me. I know ME! That’s why when some chick from Ghana starts telling me how much she loves me, how good looking I am, and how I turned her entire life around I know her eyes are brown because number one, she’s from Africa, and number two, she’s full of crap!

It’s easy to punk these scammers. I had one just last night running like a quarterback. Her line was that she had inherited several pounds of gold and, of course, needed to get it out of Ghana. She sent me several nice professional photos. I pretended to be really excited about her pictures. I came on like an old perv, which wasn’t actually all that hard, and it worries me, but I kinda fell into the role, and told her I’d never felt like this! One of the pictures she supposedly “just took” was her, on a couch, covered with a towel. I told her I would love to see her without the towel. She told me how shy she was and then said she had just sent another picture. I got the new picture, different towel, same couch. Ok,then I told her just send me a picture to her looking out the window. After much ado, I finally got a picture of a girl looking through a window. Only problem was the sun was streaming in her face and it was 3AM in Ghana. I pointed this out to “her” and was informed the sun rises very early in Ghana. I couldn’t see that for all the smoke she was blowing up my ass!

If you really want to have some fun, when they tell you to send money via Western Union, get all their information and after an appreciable amount of time send the, a phony confirmation number. In due course they will get back to you and say something’s wrong. “Oh, my bad. I must’ve messed the number up, here.” BOUNCE! Them tell them something’s wrong and you’ve got to go down to the Western union and resend, etc. keep this up until they wise up. When you get the inevitable angry letter about how you betrayed your “love,” just reply, “JACKASS JACKASS!!!!!”

I’m going to keep on punking these bitches, both male or female. They’ve got it coming. I don’t even feel bad about it. But, like the saying goes, there’s a sucker born every minute. Please don’t be a sucker.

To Catch A Nigerian

A Classic Sting
by Wilbur Witt

I got this little jewel this morning. It was so classic I had to do it for today’s blog. The script that this young lady (Mary, what followed was classic. Originally she told me she was from Alabama. During conversation she introduced me to her best friend, Michelle, in LA. This is what is known as a third party confirmation. The mark just KNOWS it’s for real because “best friend” says it is Why would she lie? Unfortunately for them I’ve BEEN to LA, and she knew absolutely nothing about Southern California. Naturally, on the next chat we had Michelle’s grandmother dying (in Austrailia) and poor Michelle had to go there to settle the estate. Now, work with me here, this gets good. It seems Michelle’s father, an international investor, and general man about town, had been killed mysteriously some years ago and poor old granny was holding the family business together in LA, Austrailia, and (you guessed it), Africa!

Michelle told me all about it, even asking my advice on where to put this vast fortune she had just inherited. She told me that she was taking Mary (my new girl friend) with her down under to give her support in this time of need. So, they “embark” on the journey. Important point here nothing is as it seems. They aren’t going anywhere they’re not even in the United States . Mary did a test run at me just after she “arrived” in Austrailia, which I fended off. Naturally, she went to plan “B” blowing that off. That picture in that Tux’ll do it every time. So, I continued to receive occasional notes from her on Yahoo, even one where she got angry and yet again, vowed her undying love for me. Amusing point; Like “Mary,” I was working several subjects during this time and actually got her mixed up with another girl in Ghana I was punking at the time, and sent the wrong chats and emails to each. Good ol Mary didn’t miss a beat, she just kept working the script.

Her “return” date approached. (Suspense music please) According to her, she and Michelle were returning to “the state” on Friday. Now, I know there are people in the deep South who butcher the English language, but coming back to the “state?” Give me a break! I knew the sting could not be far off, but I didn’t know it would be this classic. It has all of the elements. Confirmation from a third party, international intrigue, vast sums of unclaimed money, and a sudden crises that involves MY money.

Although she claimed Michelle, who allegedly booked a flight for herself and Mary all the way from LA to Austrailia, was settling her granny’s estate, a miracle happened. They spent all their money on Granny’s health needs and now have nothing to eat! Now, she either was too stupid to keep up with the script, or she had me mixed up with another Mark. She needed $500. Of course, if you will note, she typed 500$. And, now this gets good, you cant make this up, are you following me, camera guy? Icouldn’t send it to her, I had to send it to where? You guessed it . . .AFRICA! Seems Michelle has this lawyer there who, in a few hours, will provide me with a Western Union address so he can receive the funds and of course, buy poor Mary and Michelle a Big Mac.

Ok, decoding time. There is no Mary or Michelle. They are working out of an Internet cafe, probably in Nigeria, though I have noticed Ghana is beginning to play predominately in this game lately. The “lawyer,” who is thrown in for legitimacy, and respectability, and a little more third party confirmation,is actually their pimp. There are so many holes in her script you could strain spaghetti with it. The sad thing is older men fall for this every day. They are robbed and left broken. I’m going to continue this series. When one of these people troll me I’m going to bait them and out it all up here. We may start a whole new series. Like To Catch A Predator, we’ll call it, To Catch a Nigerian, or something like that.

There are good people on the net. I have two friends, Sharon in England, and Crystal in LA. Sharon talks about various subjects, never money, and Crystal regularly visits Michael Jackson’s grave. Also, Crystal and I had a text conversation on Facebook during the Conrad Murray trial and let me tell you, brothers and sisters,,this girl was MAD! I have much respect for both of them as I do others I meet here. The rule is so simple. When a woman you never met asks for money it is a sting. One red cent! Never lose sight of that.

“Mary” is shown in the following with no brackets. I put Around my responses. My comments are in () If you will note she never drops the script. When I hesitate she sends the old Yahoo BUZZZZ, which copies and pastes as This is either because she is too ignorant of the English language, or she’s working too many “marks” at one time to sort it out. In the end she falls back on “our love” but apparently the pimp CAN read and she finally signed off. Just as I did with the other three yesterday I finally told her who I was and exactly what I was doing. I don’t expect to hear from “Mary” again!

Maestro, Intro music please!


hello hon how are you doing today hope you are doing good….i’m happy that u are online now because we need to chat on some issue right now wilbur are you there i’m waiting here for u

hon talk to me i have missed you

hope u are fine oh hon i was just thinking of you since what are you doing right now hon

k hon i need to tell you somethings about me and michelle i have been waititng on here for u wilbur?

michelle have sign some of the document and we have received some of her dad document also but we have not collecting the check……hon i have spend the money on me with michelle and she also dont have much with her right away because we have use almost the money for her grand-ma treatment? (She originally went to BURY Granny!)

(Note that she ignores this question and continues the sting)

so i need you to help me out right away we need to get some food stuff and somethings also….so we will be planing to come beck to the state on sunday then i will come and neet u on my way coming back to the stat

hon why did you go off dont you love me again wilbur hon talk to me

(I went “off” because I was laughing and copying and pasting at the same time)

(Ok, I’m an asshole and at this point I’m trolling HER!)


i know hon but please we dont have food stuff at all right away. (Now I really believe she’s short of food. That’s why she’s whoring on the Internet)

hon the money i need right away is not much… are the only one i will ask no more other person wilbur i have put my mind on you and i have promise to it’s you or no other person wilbur please i need 500$ hon will you make that send to me (totally ignored what I just said. Her comprehension of English is so bad that she canNOT deviate from the script.)

i know the money maybe too much for you to send to me at this time but hon i need that by tomorrow you will make it send through western union? will you send that tomorrow with my information wilbur are you there

hon i will send you michelle lawyer’s information to your inbox….. he has some africa country info
(Heeeeeeere’s JOHNNY!)

you know i dont have any information in africa the lawyer have so u will send it through his info…..but i will send is info to your email, in some hours when he send it to me (Now this is Michelle’s lawyer, handing the disposition of a vast international estate, and Michelle doesn’t have any contact information? Also, aren’t there Western Unions in Austrailia?)

michelle just call him now to send his info hon ….i will also make it send to you immediately he send that to us wilbur will you be on here for like two hours hon are you still there (Michelle just “call” him? Two hours? What does he have to do, crawl up on a hill and beat out a message on a drum? Forgive me . . .I’m just a simple ol boy from Austin.)

(Bait Bait!)

ok hon….i will make the info send to you in some hours please i want you to send it to me when you get the lawyer’s info…..i will also be online to know if you have make it send to me tomorrow

*Ok, at this point I went ahead and punked her. I certainly didn’t have the time to wait while she finished her shift in the call center, turned in her daily report so her team leader could process my money.*

oh hon why are you saying this i’m not what you think…..i was here because of my good friend michelle not because of asking you money but i just think i should ask you if it’s that the issue of money wilbur u can take hold to your money am not after ur money i have put all my mind and trust to you but you fallen my heart


i’m not happy with you i though i have found who will love me and trust me but you make me said and cry all what am doing was just becuase of you i just dont want you to made any mistakes if you want to send that, that was why i said 500$ i add $ because i dont want u to made a mistake if you feel that am not real you can hold your money i will find a way but if i cant get i will wait till the lawyer come back you promise you will trust me,you also said you will be honest with me but now i cant even figure what is going on?

Roll the credits, fade to black to the theme from Exodus

What’s going on is a classic sting. Also, please be aware, these people are NOT spending the money on food. Before you feel sorry for this girl consider what I told her. In these times anyone soliciting money from another country is suspect. In WWII the saying was, “Loose lips sink ships.” Today “Loose wallets kill little boys in Boston watching their daddy run a marathon!” With all the hundreds, thousands, millions of dollars sent overseas each year like this, don’t you think some of it buys bullets, guns, pressure cookers? If you were a terrorist, and you wanted to spirit funds out of the US to the Middle East, how would you do it. Would you set up an account at Bank of America, or would you just get a lonely old man to send you $500 via Western Union? I’m going to continue this series. When one of these girls trolls me I’m going to document it and give it to you. Until then have a wonderful day, and God Bless!

The Owner’s Guide For Internet Girlfriends

No Fool Like An Old Fool (Unless you pick Weird Wilbur)
by Wilbur Witt

I’ve touched on this subject before, but I think a revisiting is in order. As you may, or may not know, recently I ramped up my friends list on Facebook. I was creating a base of readers who were genuinely interested in reading my opinions. Well, it worked, and now the friends keep coming as more and more people read and tell their friends about me, and I do appreciate that. That having been said, as with all things there is always a side effect. It seems that a few of my contacts are young women who view me as a horny old fool. The story is always the same. They are in a situation somewhere in Africa. Mom, dad, or grandparents have recently died and they have to go there to settle their affairs. Once they touch base with you, you become the love of their life. If you’re stupid enough to respond they will hit you so hot and heavy you won’t have time to check your email.

Now, you guys know me. I’m a decent, or fairly decent guy. I’ll talk to anyone, but when one of these Piranhas hits I consider it a fishing trip. They get all personal and I just let them spread their wings. The truly funny thing is that I never lie. I tell them my exact situation and they just keep on striking, which means they either can’t read English very well, or they are so caught up in their trolling script they can’t deviate, which spells Internet cafe with lots of girls working the web. For those of you not versed in this vocation, there are people who set up computers in a coffee shop and the girls troll the web looking for old fools.

The business model is always the same.
1) Make initial contact
2) Become familiar with the mark, and by that I mean VERY familiar!
Words like “love” “honey” “lonely” and an abundance of sexual
innuendo, designed to knock the victim out of his wheelchair.
3) Introduce an issue they are going through. And it always
involves international intrigue.
4) Pictures pictures pictures. This is where it gets funny with me.
I make videos and I get some of the hottest shots of Asian
chicks you’ve ever seen. I use the pictures. Yes, I’m an
asshole. Please make note that the pictures you get are
most likely NOT the girl you are communicating with. Frankly
I recently received a series of photos and I thought, “DAYUM!
No WAY this girl is single!”
5) They suddenly have a need for funds. This is the first grab. If you
balk they will either move on to greener pastures
or go to step 6.
6) The call for help evolves with the crisis in their life
involving some “settlement,” “inheritance,” whatever, but in
order to complete their business, and the sting, they need . . .
7) Your account number!

Now, I’m not going to insult the intelligence of my readers, but if you are that hard up, and stupid enough to give an Internet girl friend your bank account information send ME the money, I’ll put it into the music business and I’ll even have Frenchi do a lap dance for you. Hell! We might even get a hit, and you’ll make a little change. Remember, the rules are simple. Nothing is as it seems. If it sounds too good to be true then it probably isn’t. Only get involved with women you can see and touch. It’s so simple. I had no less than three of these girls talking to me at one time this morning, all following exactly the same script, hell, I felt like they were all in the same room sharing notes! They all hit me with the same sting at the same time, and when I told them that my son, Master Chief Wilbur had my passwords and read all my communications they all had somewhere to go and promptly signed off!

It makes me very angry when people take advantage of people who are lonely and alone. They think the girl might be so down and out that maybe their Social Security check will buy them love. So they send money and eat cat food while they read the bull shit that dribbles back over the net. Fact is that’s not me. I’m successful, surrounded by beautiful girls, drive a Mercedes, and am working on my fourth book and music for a band cutting an album. And I TELL these women this. Only problem is that they’re so busy following the script they don’t take time to read. If you think these things don’t happen just have a look at this copy and paste from a note I got just today. . .

lol. thats my mums plantation down here.i just spoke to my mums lawyer today and according to her WILL she left some to huge amount of GOLD in my name,from her gold bussiness and i am praying to have it and bring it so that we can start a new life there eventhough iwas thinking of selling it here before i come back but i dont think i can get the right price here,as my love and soulmate i just want to know what you think,whether to bring it up there if only i can get a good price there or sell it here before coming back…take care and pls say a big HI to the kids for me.Hope to hear your reply soon my love..ok.