If I Had Won The Powerball

If I had won the Powerball. I sat up last night waiting for the Powerball drawing. I didn’t get a single number. You’d think there would be a prize for that! Anyway, like practically every other fool who invested in castles in the air, and purchased a Powerball ticket, I had big plans. I’d like to list them here. They ranged from the sublime to the sub-slime, but here goes.
If I had won the Powerball:
With Miley Cyrus’ career of indulging in the disgusting, I would offer her ten million dollars, tax free, to clean my toes with her tongue. I would offer her dad another five million to sing, “Achy Breaky Heart” to me while she did it.
I would hire the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders to cheer outside the White House fence wearing Trump T-shirts.
I would offer Michael Moore unlimited ham sandwiches for life if he would become a card carrying Republican.
I would take Vladimir Putin’s wife to dinner.
I would give Putin a case of Vodka when I did it.
I would spring for El Chapo’s bail, and ask him to introduce me to that Mexican movie starlet that got him caught.
I would offer to pay for divorces for any gay couple that applied.
I would offer to pay for Michelle Obama’s divorce.
I would buy the Playboy Mansion currently for sale, and donate it to the Catholic Church.
I would offer Hillary any amount she asked if she’d do a lap dance on Bernie Sanders.
I would buy Bernie Sanders a Nitroglycerin pill.
I would offer Fidel Castro fifty million to be photographed smoking a Pall Mall cigarette.
On that Miley Cyrus deal, I’d invite Britney Spears to make it a three-some. (Yeah, I’m old school.)
I’d give Bruce Gender one hundred million to move to a Muslim country.
I’d fly all my ex’s to Texas to play a baseball game.
I’d set aside a trust fund for my granddaughter, Kylie, to go through college through her doctorate, provided she does it at the University of Texas.
I would buy one million copies of my latest book to force the New York Times to put it on their best seller list.
I’d pay the editor of the Times thirty million to write an article claiming that book was the best thing since sliced bread.
I would offer to pay for Wendy Davis to remove that wart from her face.
I’d buy Greg Abbott a HoverRound.
I’d buy Paul Ryan a personality. Make that two, I’d buy another one for Ken Paxton.
I’d buy Disney Studios and make them go back to making Mickey Mouse cartoons and get out of child porn.
I’d pay for DNA tests on Obama’s daughters.
I’d open a string of bars in Utah and have the cocktail waitresses dress as Mormon Missionaries.
I’d hire a staff to rewrite the Qu’ran, and offer ten million to any Mosque that used it. Don’t think they’d take it? If you think that have I got a bridge for you, and it’s on SALE!
Those Utah waitresses . . . put them in the Mosques, too.
I would buy the Westboro Baptist Church, bulldoze it to the ground and replace it with a Gay Bar.
I would spring for the lawyers for all the guys in Waco who were arrested after the murder of their friends, and offer the City of Waco one hundred million if the DA would wear a clown’s suit during his next trial.
I would buy the Church of Scientology and put Penn Jillette in charge of it.
Make that three personalities, Joe Biden.
And last but not least, I’d take Crystal Lee Laramoreand the entire staff of Raging Elephants to the best dinner they’ve ever had, in a stretch limo!

Simple Ol’ Boy From Austin



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