Bear Arms is not a Dress Code

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Let’s examine this. First of all you must believe in the constitution and the bill of rights. It is in fashion now for some people not to believe in these things and wish to believe in eight rights of their choice. If you are one of these don’t read no further, i will only upset you These same people tend to dwell on the word “militia” as being translated “army.” Militia is not army. Militia is citizens groups who are not regular army.

Free state means just that. Free! The militia, protecting the freedom of the people living in the state is protecting said people’s rights, and one of those rights is specifically mentioned here, the right to “bear arms.”

Shall not be infringed. That means don’t mess with it a little, a smidgen, a tad, or a lot! That means that if a law abiding citizen wants to buy and own a gun he/she can do it. No ifs, no ands, no buts!

Bear arms. Now work with me here; when you bear something, you carry it. That means to have and to hold. It don’t matter if it makes the police nervous, it don’t matter if the chairwoman of the PTA don’t like it, it don’t matter what the president thinks about it. That’s what it says!

Crime statistics. Gun deaths, 2011, 11,078
Abortion deaths, 2011, 1.2 Million!

Isn’t it perfectly amazing that the group of people who want to erase the second amendment have absolutely no issues with that second entry? And they will scream “women’s rights.” Real handy, that word “right” when it serves YOUR purpose. And no matter how heinous the act, when it serves your liberal agenda, well, that’s ok. Don’t let a young coed have a gun in her dorm to protect herself, but it’s perfectly fine to pull a kicking, screaming human beating out of a woman with basically a pair of pliers and wait for it to strangle. “But ze babies are ze enemy!” Have we lost our minds?

Once you disassemble one part of the constitution you may as well disassemble the rest because you have set a precedent. You have shown that what our fore fathers wrote has no weight in law and we are free to ignore it and march to the beat of our own particular drummers. But then organizations like the CPS, IRS, and the Justice Department have already blazed that trail, now haven’t they? Remember back when your family was safe at home? Daddy was daddy, and mommy was mommy, and the police officer was your friend? Most of you can’t because it’s been gone for a long time!

This second amendment fight is a line in the sand, and it doesn’t matter what you think about guns, what do you think about speaking you mind, about your locked door being secure from police, you right to worship uninhibited? Because that’s next, folks. There is now a law that makes it a crime to demonstrate 300 yards from the president giving a speech. That literally means you can’t calmly walk up and say, “Sir, I disagree with you.” Think about that, and if this liberal Tom-foolery succeeds, you won’t believe what happens next. You’re gonna miss them gun owners, cause you’re gonna need em!


Peaches Williams

This is going to be a racially inflammatory, gay bashing, very conservative article so you liberals need to just pick up your free sandwich on the way to the door! I give you Vester Lee Flanagan, faggot extraordinaire. Called himself Bryce Williams. Seems Bryce didn’t like the white folks, and he SURE didn’t like women! In his opinion all his problems stemmed from being black and gay. Even had a Rainbow flag in his apartment, now isn’t THAT special? Cutie-Pie Williams is a perfect example of what’s wrong with Obama’s America. Save your fork people, I’m on a rant here.

Make no mistake about it, I hate every inch of Bryce Williams. I hate his mama, and if he has a dog, I hate his dog. This . . . THING bought into every word of Barak Obama’s race baiting, transvestite, socialist administration, and took it to the limit. Like that other idiot down in Charleston he wanted a race war. Well, I’m glad we all agree on something. Let me clue you in. Disoriented black folk, when you rise up, do you really think every black person is going to throw their life away and follow you into hell? Illegal immigrants, when you scream “La Raza” do you expect every American of Mexican decent to grab a gun and rush into the street? Some cackle-babble head in a box said yesterday that seventy-five percent of all Hispanics in the US hated Donald Trump. Well, amigo, that leaves twenty-five percent that will vote with us, and bubba, that’s all we need!

Naturally Hillary (I’ve always felt I was a man) Clinton jumped on the gun control train as soon as the smoke cleared down in Roanoke. Now, I’m not going to get all politically correct here’ but what happened on that deck had absolutely nothing to do with “Peaches” being black. It had everything to do with his self-perception and the lies he’d been fed. Here we have a fairly decent looking man, with college, a good job, in a mundane, dull place where all he had to do was report on the ladies garden society, and he couldn’t do it because he was all tore up about being black. Grow up in Po-Dunk, Texas, bitch, and then tell ME about discrimination! And if that’s not bad enough he goes and turns queer to complete his personality. So we have this black, trans whatEVER tooling around mad at the world because he can’t hold himself together for a two minute news spot, and it’s the GUN’S fault? If you believe THAT have I got a bridge for YOU, and it’s on SALE!

It only takes one nut to shake up things. You can take all the guns away from everyone and that one nut will find a way, trust me. He’s a NUT! We need to have more gun free zones. Free guns for anyone who wants one. I’m a crusty old bastard, but I was astounded by Miss Parker just standing there running her mouth as this animal had to aim, stop, and cock his gun. This guy had been fired, disrupted an entire TV newsroom, had to be escorted out by police, and she let him just walk up on her. Folks, that’s “death by stupid,” and it’s the GUN’S fault? The Yankees alway hit me with the “Wild Wild West,” but I’m gonna tell you right now that if you cover your eyes, suck your thumb, and think that will keep these wolves away from your door you will end up as dead as a ham sandwich! I love women, ever since I found out they weren’t boys, and it irritates me when I see a beautiful girl gunned down for no other reason than she is white and female. Guess I’m a racist, huh?

Let me give you the best argument for constitutional carry you’ll ever hear. Now, I understand Miss Parker was very anti-gun. I saddens me to see her with her eyes wide, and her mouth open as she realized that she just might have been wrong. I would never wish that on anyone, but what if “Peaches Williams” had walked up on Heidi Hansing as she filmed a spot for Raging Elephants? Oh, my bad! Then Al Sharpton would have to come down, and burn up Roanoke, now wouldn’t he?

Simple Ol’ Boy From Austin

Paco and the New World Order

So Trump threw a liberal democrat out of a press conference! Alert the media! Not Univision, but the English speaking media we have to press “1” for on the phone. Amazing how these people have to adjust to the new rules, isn’t it. Of course Ramos, hasn’t arrived at that idea yet. He’s going on about e Hispanic vote. Well, Paco, here comes a big ol’ reality check. They’s more white folks than there is brown folks, and that little statistic you rattled off about seventy-five percent of the brown vote not liking Trump still leaves twenty-five percent who have their heads screwed on tight!

The surge of support for Donald Trump is indicative of the awakening of America. And it just keeps going up and up. Every time he makes a statement that upsets the libtards mainstream America shouts, “Now that’s what I’M talking about!” Fox News is exposing itself for what it is. Megan Kelly might as well have been twerking during that debate, it would have made more sense. Fox has a good act going. They have a conservative format, but fill up with liberal guests talking until their lips fall off. A ten second clip of a conservative candidate and then Obama’s entire breakfast menu follows. Well, all that just got Trumped!

Liberals are allergic to Donald Trump his common sense American approach is alien to everything they hold sacred, if the word “sacred” can even be applied to a bunch of homosexual, drug addicted baby killers. His main drive is illegal immigration, and it’s so transparent its funny. The liberals completely ignore the fact that you can’t sneak into a country. Ramos, no doubt was going to stand up for the wetback vote, and got the bum’s rush. (Has anyone checked HIS papers?)

Ramos is just the first idiot to feel Trump’s wrath. MSNBC, Fox News and Unisexualvision need to wise up or Alex Jones and Glenn Beck will soon be the mainstream news and THEY will be the conspiracy nuts. The Republican party needs to realize that the PEOPLE count for something, and they can’t just blow a joint, making decisions for the rest of us. Trump couldn’t be more clear if he were standing in the River Jordan screaming, “REPENT!”

There is going to be wailing and the gnashing of teeth as reality soaks into all the weirdos who’ve been running things for so long. Facts: Illegals will never run this country, Obama will go down as the biggest mistake we ever made, and Bruce Gender will NEVER grow ovaries! I still like seeing Megan Kelley bend over though, but I’m just a Simple Ol’ Boy From Austin so what do I know?

Guns Guns Everywhere, and not a Thug to Shoot

Our nation has entered a new cycle of violence. We’ve included things like “active shooter” (as opposed to the more relaxed type), “terrorist” and “alleged.” If you type in “active shooter” on YouTube you’ll be up all night. There are hosts of videos telling you how to survive some guy who decided to kill a bunch of strangers because he got a parking ticket last week. After each event the liberals want to ban all guns and the conservatives want Constitutional carry. Self defense is very prominent. Just today I saw a post by Glenn Beck expounding a system guaranteed to not only get you past an attack but to rain hell fire and damnation down upon the perpetrator. I watched some videos telling me how revolutionary this new system was, and of course the obligatory one where some petite blonde kicks a guy in the nuts. Right below that was the “secure” site where I could input my credit card. While I’m being begged to watch this amazing system that will save my life why is it on sale?

So, I’m going to give you Wilbur’s class on self defense. Shoot ’em in the head. If someone attacks you, or others, shoot them. If they survive, re-shoot them. Then check for a pulse, and call 911! Forget all the Martial Arts nonsense! That will get you killed. Wanna see what a common kitchen knife can do to a pork roast? Just hang one up from a cross beam and take a swing at it with that knife. That’s YOU being Bruce Lee! It’s almost better to be shot. That’s your lunch on the floor, and they don’t stab just once. Thirty or forty times.

An armed society is a polite society. Even the possibility of an armed society makes it polite. The anger and violence flowing out of the inner city mandates it. These thugs prey on what they perceive to be defenseless or weak. You have all seen it. Businessman waiting on a commuter train, thugs rush him, and they don’t just take his wallet, the beat him down in a racial rage, made about all,those food stamps his taxes paid for. Well fed thugs, too. Like Michael Brown. Gentle giant? I probably would have shot him from the car. When he hit the ground the air quality in Ferguson improved ten percent. One very cute .22 would have kept Bad, Bad, Michael Brown civilized in that store he robbed just before his unfortunate encounter with his destiny.

If Trump is elected you are going to see a huge reversal in this type of creature. For one thing they will be hungry. They won’t be worried so much about weed and cigars, they’ll be thinking about them grits. The flow of party favors into the ghetto will grind to a halt and after they feed on each other for a while they’ll start looking for work. Good people in those areas will breathe a sigh of relief, and the stores will be free to do business again. Al Sharpton will get old and Jesse Jackson will take an English Literacy class. And we will have GUNS to make sure the type of insanity we’ve endured for the last few years won’t come back. But, it doesn’t matter if he gets elected. The mindset of America is evolving. Time for a little even up. Black lives DO matter. Ben Carson, Allen West, and the Apostle Claver matter. People like Michael Brown don’t matter as much. Swat them bees, swat them bees.

At the bottom of it is the simple fact that Americans ARE fed up and do have a right to live in peace. To do that guns are required. Mothers for gun sense in America need to understand, THEY have guns, WE need guns. Even a good dog has a right to bite. The Michael Browns of the country need to understand the party is over. And it’s gonna be glorious!


Everyone has a God hole in their head. The theist fills it with whatever brand of God they subscribe to, the atheist with laughing gas. Religion is the ultimate “connect the dots” game. The more apparent the connections, the more faith is reinforced. People love patterns, in fact, we look for them. Man stared up at the stars and saw bulls, archers, virgins and fish. He divided the cosmos into sections, the sections separated the seasons and the wheat grew right on time.

Everybody hopes for something better than this life, and the closer to death’s door we get, the more real the promise of heaven becomes. The funny thing is the minute you get a promise of heaven’s gate, someone comes up with a key that they, and only they possess, and you must abstain, detain, and rearrange in order to use that key. It’s great to go to heaven, but it’s almost as good to see someone else not make it. So we come up hell, lakes of lava, devils, pitchforks, and cantankerous ex-wives to harass and torture those who were denied the key.

The ideas that stem from religion are sometimes astounding to the ones outside the blessed circle. Ideas ranging from eating fish on Friday to holy underwear, caps, shawls and little boxes attached to someone’s forehead. Some of these rituals took centuries to develop. Others just popped out of thin air, like the revival of the faith in the mid 1800s. We Americans were particularly crazy. Everyone suddenly became convinced that the end of the world was just around the corner.

People look for a master pattern of life. The closer to that pattern, the better they feel. When the pattern rips they either leave the pattern, or they repent, effectively mending the pattern. Verily, verily I say unto thee, all patterns are man made. The older, more vetted patterns last a long time. The newer ones, stemming from the original last a while. These are “on sale.” The Catholic faith is tried and true for generations of believers. Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and Westview Baptist church are “on sale.”

You have to stand back and ask what you really believe. Did Mohammed really fly a winged horse to heaven, was David Koresh really a prophet, did Joseph Smith really find anything on that hill? Believers get mad when you challenge their beliefs. You’re ripping at their pattern. To the logical mind all of these things are blatantly false, but you’ll never get past the warm fuzzy they generate for the faithful.

In most religious arguments, unless I’m drunk, I’ll keep a low profile. It upsets me listening to someone argue about something they cannot prove. And it depends on what they’re arguing. If someone tells me they speak in tongues I realize that such an event is between the mind of the believer and the mind of God. When they start with the winged horses and golden tablets I hope they took their medication on time.

I know how the Qu’ran, Book of Mormon, and the Karma Sutra were written. I’m a writer. And the reasoning is always the same. How could this person have composed such a work? How did Thomas Aquinas write Summa Theologica? We count degrees and judge intelligence accordingly but a well read, or experienced person can shame someone with a master’s degree. Smith read extensively, Mohammed traveled widely and Koresh memorized the Bible. Never doubt the power of the human spirit.

Then, there is Jesus. Wanna see how real Jesus is? Just look at all the people trying to rip and tear, and IMPROVE on His pattern. Jesus walked everywhere, never wrote a grocery list, wised off at the high priest, and got himself killed. For two thousand years learned scholars have labored, trying to prove He didn’t just get up and walk out of his grave like he had good sense.

I’m not going to pick apart anyone’s pattern with thus article. What would I win? The pattern they hold to is all they have, and they’re not hurting anyone, so you don’t take that away. What do I believe? I believe there’s a great big spark in the sky that caused it all. There is no tornado through a junk yard producing a Buick. You can’t possibly look at creation and not perceive a creator. Can we understand the spark, moreover can any book or pattern fit? No! The Kingdom is within you. Do unto others . . . If you just do that one thing it will be enough. If books, garments, and winged horses make it for you, that’s cool, just don’t put your horse in my stable. When someone tries to fit their religion on you it won’t work any better than borrowing their false teeth.

The American brands of religion are mostly “out there.” Freedom of religion is like baptizing a cat. They sit at opposing ends to the religions playing field, and they’ve all got “the truth!” Joseph Smith received a revelation telling him all the churches were false. So did Mohammed, David Koresh, Jim Jones and every sidewalk, soapbox preacher looking forward to the end of the world. The true believers go to church, pray, talk in tongues, and try to follow their pattern doing unto others. As the Master said, “Know them by their fruits.”

Do I have the answers? Will my teeth fit your mouth? Probably not. This is hard to talk about because you end up ripping at the fabric of someone’s life, and that’s never good. So, by and large, I keep my understandings to myself. I tell my dog. She’s a Lutheran. Most of the time I just keep my mouth shut as they try to dip me in that lake of fire they’re so proud of. Peace out!

The Talents

” . . . unto one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one; to every man according to his several ability; and straightway took his journey. Then he that had received the five talents went and traded with the same, and made them other five talents. And likewise he that had received two, he also gained other two. But he that had received one went and digged in the earth, and hid his lord’s money. After a long time the lord of those servants cometh, and reckoneth with them. And so he that had received five talents came and brought other five talents, saying, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me five talents:behold, I have gained beside them five talents more. His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant:thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things:enter thou into the joy of thy lord. He also that had received two talents came and said, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me two talents:behold, I have gained two other talents beside them. His lord said unto him, Well done, good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things:enter thou into the joy of thy lord. Then he which had received the one talent came and said, Lord, I knew thee that thou art an hard man, reaping where thou hast not sown, and gathering where thou hast not strawed: And I was afraid, and went and hid thy talent in the earth:lo, there thou hast that is thine. His lord answered and said unto him, Thou wicked and slothful servant, thou knewest that I reap where I sowed not, and gather where I have not strawed: Thou oughtest therefore to have put my money to the exchangers, and then at my coming I should have received mine own with usury. Take therefore the talent from him, and give it unto him which hath ten talents. For unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance:but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath.”

Being a writer is a hard life. First, you must learn to write, which is no easy task. There are thousands of cackle-babble heads out there who think they know all about writing. They know nothing about communication, but they got writing all figured out. They have it so figured out so much that no one can tell what they’re talking about. Talk for thirty minutes, ain’t said anything! I ain’t even gonna lie to you, when I’m reading something, the first time I have to Google a word I go to another website. Simplicity! Dance with the one who brung you. When you can write like you speak, you’re THERE! That doesn’t mean be ignorant. It means make your meaning clear. It’s always nice to pick up a thing or two, but never try to rise above your readers.

Then there’s money. The nemesis of the budding writer. Everybody wants to be Hemmingway. Most won’t, and that’s what this article is all about. God, if you buy into that stuff, gives us abilities, or talents. We’re expected to use those talents, and money has nothing to do with it. Money is the Devil’s trick trying to tell us we aren’t successful unless we make a lot of money. Then, if you do make a lot of money he convinces you that you can never be happy. When people become well off or famous watch the stupid factor. (Subway anyone?) The writer quickly becomes entwined in the idea that unless he or she makes a lot of money the product they produce is somehow worth less than a more lubricated writer. The only thing that matters is are you using the talents you were given.

Publishing is perplexing. All it really does is put your writing before the public. When the first stranger reads your writing you have succeeded. If thousands read you, great, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is are you using those talents, and are you giving back to the world for all the free air you got to breathe! If you give up because you didn’t get some big deal you are not using the talents.

It’s hard. You will want to give up. Don’t. The fulfillment of a well written article is the end game. You may never make a dime, but after years of filling the pot you will make a difference, sometimes great, sometimes not so great, but fifty years after you’re dead some,twelve year old girl will read something you wrote and somewhere in the great beyond you will hear, ” Well done, thou good and faithful servant!” That’s what it’s all about!

Simple Ol’ Boy From Austin

Grits, Grins, and Hillary’s Sins

Grits, Grins, and Hillary’s Sins

Let’s just suppose for grits and grins that I went and robbed a bank. Not a big one, just some branch in a supermarket or something, but I took this leather bag, stuck a note under a teller’s nose, and told her I was gonna cause a stink if she didn’t give me all the money in her drawer. So, she gives me the money and I take off. Well, by and by the FBI finds me (seems I left a pubic hair in the restroom just before the robbery) and they give me a call. Now, budget cuts being what they are I get a call and they cut me a deal. I’m told that if I’ll just return the bag that all will be forgiven. I hem and haw, because it IS a very good bag, bought it at Walmart, and they didn’t say there was a search warrant, and what did it matter now? After a few months I think it over and return the bag. When the FBI opens it all there is are five empty beer cans and a half pack of cigarettes. Right away they cry, “Foul!” I say, “You SAID you wanted the bag, you got the bag!”

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Hillary Clinton! Oh, God, where do I begin? Is there anything the Clintons can do that they are not called to task for? Now we find she has erased the servers she so diligently hid. Now, I’m just a simple ol’ boy from Austin, but SOMEWHERE on those devices there HAD to be at least ONE email that said SOMETHING about her job as Secretary of State. You think? Of all the messaging there had to be something! Even on my flimsy email there’s stuff I don’t want the PTA to see. But, she’s still running up and down the road acting like Madam President.

And the Liberals eat it up! The unwashed masses will turn out in droves to put this woman in the White House while the rest of us stand there with our mouths open catching flies. Bill was bad enough, I don’t know what number one daughter’s up to, Lord hope it be a man, but the Clinton’s have had a very good run. And they are hill billy white trash! Poor old Ted Kennedy dumped one trick in the drink and had to take a whole week off, for God’s sake. Nixon told a lie. STOP THE PRESSES! Carter. . . well, Carter was just Carter, but he did lust in his heart once. Hillary had a sexual encounter with Yoko Ono! Give peace a chance. Riiiiiiiight.

If my records were requested by the IRS, and I threw away a gum wrapper I’d NEVER get out of jail. Thank God I’m not selling cigarettes on a New York street, but Hillary? She could shoot the Dali Lama and his body would be fined for littering. I’m just waiting for the Pope to beatify her. If this moron gets elected learn to speak Russian, you folks on the west coast learn to speak Chinese. So, anyway, the FBI is sitting there with a blank server, and a blank look on their faces, wondering what to do next. Check it for a pubic hair, that’s always a good start.

Simple Ol’ Boy From Austin

Listen for the Note

What drives me as a writer is a single note. There is a music of life. A single note sounding through the universe, being received by each soul. Doc Greene can attest to this. I’ll crack down on some John Forgerty and a six pack and turn out the best conservative article you ever read. The spirit takes me away and since a song writer thinks on a dozen levels at once the results are multi-faceted. People dig for subliminal meanings and it’s all there in the note.

It stems from joy. Sometimes sorrow. The point is it is pure. The lyrics don’t matter. I totally reject “Imagine” as a viable explanation of life, but Lennon’s spirit speaks to me, perhaps telling me something he didn’t even know he said. I hear my note, he heard his. You come upon a truth, and you pound that nail again and again until it fits. I’ve had members of my family who thought I was crazy when they see me talking to myself, alone on the porch. I’m not talking to myself. I’m reciting an article, making sure it has the same continuity, the same flow as a song that sticks in your head. If the article labors the tongue, it will labor the mind. It must be so the writer and the reader come upon the idea at the same time, maybe not agreeing, but appreciating the fact, at least they were there. Both perceiving that single note in their own peculiar way.

The writer’s job is to explain the complex and make it simple. To take a full concert and bring it down to that single note. Where some more educated analysts will spend pages trying to explain, each page piling more confusion upon doubt, I just say if you believe that have I got a bridge for you, and it’s on sale! But the bottom line is I think with a songwriter’s mind. Short, direct, sixteen lines, chorus and out. Make it right, make it stick, sound the note, and move on.

Politicians rarely get this. Between the spin, and the outright lies they become muddled in politics, the note drowned out by the clamor, and that’s why young people listen to music before politicians. They know all politicians are liars and the song has some measure of truth for them. The young can hear the note. Oh, but if the constitution were a song, how easy it would be.

“Keep your guns, have some fun
Wave ’em round in the sun
Shoot the crooks and make ’em run
But all of y’all can keep your guns.”

“You can say just what you feel
You can pray to a tractor whe
It don’t matter, you all free
Long as you don’t mess with me.”

Kids got it right, but they get old, and the note goes away. Gotta catch them young, while they still have the fire. That way they don’t question when we send them to war. The truth lies in the graveyard, and the lies get re-elected. That’s the way it’s always been.

“Life’s a circle we all know
There ain’t no new way to go
And if you stay home you’ll probably be just fine
Broken dreams and empty chairs
We’ll all face the fire down there
And I hope yours burns cooler than mine.”

Listen for the note.

Simple Ol’ Boy From Austin


Grandchildren can be a very fulfilling part of your life. Their joy, playfulness, and love fills your autumn years, so why is it so stressful? Where do they find the capacity to inflict insanity in an otherwise docile old person? I have come up with some things that run you to the edge. If you’re a grandparent you will recognize them all. Repeat, repeat, repeat. . . Two year olds are just figuring out language. There is a lot of baby talk, but they are becoming aware of the importance that communication plays in their lives. Two issues; they still talk 80% baby talk, and they don’t think YOU understand anything so every statement or request is verbally Xeroxed.
Grand People English
Ishiguro wanna anny
Ishiguro wanna anny
No is the only answer you can give in a situation like this. This doesn’t stop the inquiry, however. It will continue for maybe eight hours.
So and so is doing this or that to me
Always remember that you are the high court. As such you have to hear all complaints from all grand people against all other grand people. There is only one designation. Class A felony. There is no pardon, no parole, and no appeal. The accuser wants justice and they want to watch, which is high entertainment. After justice is administered you can expect counter charges.
Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink.
You must give children water, there are laws. When you give five grandchildren water it is no less than Moses parting the Red Sea. There are three options: Option A) Give one big drink for them to pass around. Are you a fool? Forget about germs, they’re already sharing them. No measured amount is ever fair. “SHARE, SHARE, SHARE,” you will scream until you choke, but possession is 100% of the law in the grand people civil code. Grab, drink, drink, drink as fast as you can, can’t touch me, I’m Aqua-Man! This has all the others spinning and crying. B) Separate drinks for all. Give them only clear water, or put them in a room that you intend to shampoo. C) Give up in disgust and throw the water into the back yard.
I go potty.
They potty ALL the time. When one goes they all immediately feel the urge, and the simple logic that only one person can only sit on a toilette at one time does not play into it. This invariably elicits screams from the bathroom. I hate the sound of the word, “Paaaaa Paaaaaa!” A bath used by grandchildren cannot have soaps, toilette paper, water, rugs, or towels in it. These things are provided as needed. Also try not to have small kittens around. They fit into a commode. I know!
I pooped myself.
In time you will learn to appreciate the smell, and texture of poop . It’s sort of like learning to eat Sushi. You know it’s actually stupid, but everyone does it. A two year old in potty training is like running a blender with the lid off, if you can picture the lid being on the bottom. Sometimes they will make it, but these times are not so numerous that reliable statistics can be drawn. And I have read all the methods used to potty train. Ignore these. These people are all liberal democrats raising transgender children. What will happen is one day you’ll just notice they use the toilette, and you will never know how you did it. Until that day you had just better accept that for the time being your life is poop.
OMG! Never, NEVER seat grand people within striking distance of each other at meal time. And forget about equal portions. A Crack Dealer with a postal scale cannot measure meals with the accuracy required to satisfy these people. And don’t give them water! Do that later. My granddaughter, Puck, is a diabetic so she gets the “unfair” plate. She has developed a lizard’s tongue, and can snap a potato from a plate at two yards.
Nap time.
There is no hope. They only sleep when they knock each other out. YOU will fall asleep before they do. May God have mercy on you if this happens. My twins can remove a full sized door and pull down a ceiling fan if given just a little uninterrupted time. When you wake you will not believe. The solution? Handcuffs.
Eventually the parents will show up. They have to. That’s the law. They may ask you if you’re doing anything that night. LIE! Tell them you’re going out, you’re getting married, attending a Klan rally, ANYTHING! Then they have to take the grand people with them, and you can then tell everyone how wonderful it is to have grandchildren.
Simple Ol’ Boy From Austin


For the past week I’ve been doing an extensive investigation. I didn’t even tell my associates in Houston due to the sensitive nature. I call it “StupidGate. I have looked into the world of cyber espionage. As you probably know the leader of North Korea, Won Hun Lo, was deeply distressed by the Sony picture “The Interview.” Now Sony is, well SONY! When I was a kid I didn’t think much of the company because back in the 50’s “Made in Japan” meant one thing, and one thing only. Little toy airplanes with bad paint jobs that the wheels fell off of on the first use. That, and we were still irritated about Pearl Harbor. The wheels didn’t fall off of THOSE planes! Well, Sony came of age. Actually became a standard in the industry. The little fat kid in North Korea with the funny haircut hacked Sony to pieces!

Then we find that the Russians have been leisurely reading state department emails for at least a year! Like an irritated ex-girlfriend you were stupid enough to give all your passwords to, and she goes up and tells all your friends that you’re gay. The RUSSIANS? Didn’t they just figure out toilette paper about ten years ago? Save your fork because this morsel gets sweeter. Yesterday the director of the FBI sat before a committee and freely admitted that the FBI, CIA, and homeland security weren’t smart enough to break encryption set up by a thirteen year old girl! He really did that folks. I I saw it on TV. And finally (drum roll please) the Russians came back and shut down the Pentagon! Aren’t those guys in charge of like, nuclear BOMBS? Reminds me when the theory came out about the Russians actually developing AIDS as an attack on Americans. “Comrades, we must develop something that will destroy America. We make virus that kills them when they shoot up drugs or do the anal thing.” Shows what they think of us.

In the midst of all this one eye has been steady, one mind unwavering, one hand firmly on the wheel . . . Hillary Clinton! NOBODY has hacked even her thumb drive! She set up her own servers and the Fed started screaming about “not secure!” Not secure? NOT SECURE? Dudes, you didn’t know what was on that server until she GAVE them to you, and even then you gave her MONTHS to sanitize them. Bill probably has kiddie porn on them. I’ve said all this before about the FBI. Now, I watch all those forensic shows where they find a pubic hair in a Snickers Bar twenty years after the fact and catch a crook. If you buy that have I got a bridge for you, and it’s on SALE!

If nothing else THIS may be Hillary’s long suit. If she wins she should set up her own servers in the White House. At least the Russians won’t know our every move. The Russian thing got me. I could see the Chinese doing it, I mean, they’re Asian for Christ sake, and you know how THOSE people are. But when the Russians do it, there’s a message there. Maybe we DO have something to worry about with the Iranians and their one bomb.

The Nortes have been walking proud and talking loud, but to be frank they lost it somewhere down the road. Remember Ebola? Yeah, that. Good run until it came to Texas. You can fly all over the country looking for a cardiologist, but if you want to live you got to go to Austin Heart. We invented breast implants! Hey, we have priorities, ok? The hacking of practically the entire federal system shows a flaw that’s been there for a very long time. Now, I’ll admit, I love to catch Yankees with their pants down. And then they go into the spin, which ain’t sex, but it’s close. I told you a long time ago we don’t have to secede. Just let the American’s do their thing and make sure they don’t export it down here. Meanwhile Hillary marches on. Hey, food for thought; it’s not very far from securing your server to fixing an election, but shucks, they’ve been doing that for years!

Simple Ol’ Boy From Austin