Gay Bakeries

I was going to write a nice article about overthrowing the government today, but Indiana stepped in and changed all that. Now, before I start, I have not read the Indiana law, but I understand it has something to do with gays eating cake. With other things they stick in their mouths I can’t see cake being a problem. I wish I could translate my bedroom antics into civil rights. I’d be rich! Like I’ve said time and time again, if you want to dig dirt on me you’d better bring a dump truck ’cause I’ve done it all. If there was something I missed it was only because no one told me, and if they had, well, I’d have don’t that too, but this gay thing is something I did miss. When I was young, sitting around the campfire, drinking beer, and trying to get the attention to the ONE girl stupid enough to be there, I can’t remember one time hearing,”What do you wanna do tonight, Billy Joe Jim Bob?” and hearing, “Why don’t we bump each other in the butt!”

My problem is I’m amTexan. While I was growing up every town had “Town Fairy.” No one cared how he became Town Fairy. Nobody got all messed up about the way he talked, walked, or wore a cape around town. To be frank we had more on our minds besides that, like dragging people behind pickup trucks for being the wrong color. We did have a law on the books making it a crime to check into a motel with a live chicken for sexual purposes. I hope we’ve repealed that law and NOT because I lust after chickens.

Did you ever ask yourself just why, when the gays raise a concern, it gets so much press? Because it’s so dog gone FUNNY. They won’t lead us into WWIII, they won’t destroy the borders, and they DAMN sure won’t steal your girl friend, but watching them go off is a little like teasing a Chihuahua. Lots of fun and you won’t get bit THAT bad. When the Muslims march down the street people get mad. When the New Black Panthers march people get mad (and scared!) When the gays march . . . People wipe tears out of their eyes laughing! Gays are the only group you can safely say, “Well, I don’t have anything against them, but I wouldn’t want one of them to marry my sister.” Unless it’s like, a lesbian thing, but that’s a whole ‘nother lick right there.

I don’t hate gays. Only crazy people hate folks they never meet. Someone once asked me if I found gay sex disgusting, and I told them that I found ALL sex disgusting unless I’m doing the sexing. I’m old school and just believe “private life” means just that. All but Velma Prigmore back in high school, but I digress. Anyway, Indiana has rocked the gay world with a donut. Now, I know, I know, the entire state of California will leap on me like a savage rabbit, but they won’t be getting a cherry because I’ve been there before. Hey, got a solution. GAY BAKERIES! Wedding cakes designed especially for them. An Angel Food cake in the shape of a penis. Chocolate cake with white icing for inter-racial weddings. I should be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize!


Crow is Crow

Good morning Raging Elephants! As some of you may know I had a flash of inspiration over the weekend. It may come as a shock to you, but I have been middle of the road when it comes to Muslims. The media, especially Facebook, had girded their loins so to speak, and attacked anyone who even suggested that Mohammed may have picked his nose. I was very aware of this, and softened my opinions about Islam accordingly. I took one hit because someone attacked Molly White and I commented with the word, “Omar?” Facebook deemed that was a slur on Islam, and slammed me in Facebook jail. While I didn’t exactly put a pistol in my mouth, this alerted me to the fact that my main ramp could be cut off at any time.

To avert this I did two things. First, I softened my criticism of Islam steering clear of the central issue that it’s a political system and not a religion in the classical sense. Also, I used a lot of humor, and Texas slang because I know Liberal Democrats do not possess a frontal lobe. Now, let’s be up front. All religions have a political wing. There is no separation of church and state. The very purpose of “religion” is to chart a moral course for life, and that course just naturally bleeds over to the public sector. To separate morality from politics is an oxymoron. Hmmmm, maybe that’s the problem here, but I digress.

Islam is pure politics, and that’s cool, but when a political party shields itself with our constitutional protection of freedom of religion, while the rest of us have to play by the rules, the playing field is not only uneven, the referees are all on the payroll of the opposing team. When some kid can’t read a Bible in school while some other kid sits in the same room wearing a weird head dress you have to ask yourself some serious questions, and you have to be ALLOWED to ask those questions out LOUD and publicly!

And let’s be more frank. Islam IS weird! We’re not talking about a Mormon who wears the garment as a symbol of purity, or a Jew who won’t eat pork, we’re talking about a group of people who get up in the morning and ask themselves how they can be as obnoxious as they can possibly be! I’ve read the Qu’ran. It is a hodge podge of psycho-babble that is so disconnected even the Muslims had to rearrange it by length if Sura. And that rearrangement made no difference. It would be like rearranging Gone With The Wind according to length of chapters, and trying to make sense of it. I believe in Jesus, but Jesus made me a writer, and when I read a book I will tell you exactly how that book was written. And it WAS written! No angel came down and slapped Mohammed whereupon he began to recite anything! I am a realist, and brothers and sisters, if you believe that have I got a bridge for you and it’s on SALE! If you are mystified by anything then you just don’t understand the trick! Want to know how I write a book? I write the last chapter first, and then write everything else to support THAT chapter! No magic, no genius, no inspiration, though I will admit that I’ve had a bottle of Jim and some very serious conversations with my cat. Well, Frenchi was a vision, but I’m digressing again. Hey, it’s Monday!

Now let’s factor in TEXAS! Pushing your agenda down the throats of New Yorkers, where they step over dead homeless people on their way to Wall Street is all very fine, but Muslim Day on the steps of the Capitol in Austin is a whole other armadillo! We just broke ourselves from dragging people behind pickups down here! Eighty percent of us can’t even SPELL Mohammed, and I probably misspelled it right there! We are NOT going to tell Judge Potvin he’s got to abide by Sharia Law. Ain’t gonna happen! That’ll get you thirty days and you can tell all the other inmates about your freedom of religion

The problem is political correctness. The minority of Texans are Democrats and RINOs. The SILENT majority is dyed in Bar B Q, hard core working men and women who are just that . . . silent! That silence is evident when you have a rally for the border problem, and twenty-five people show up what an aerobics class for diabetes fills the Capitol grounds to the point that you’d think Willie Nelson was there. It’s not that there weren’t people in that event who didn’t believe exactly what we Texas Nationalists believe, it’s that they have have been conditioned not to speak up! If those people had hung around and listened to George Rodriguez they would have totally agreed with him, but the RINOs, and Liberal Democrats have CONDITIONED them to shy back with the rest of us, and drink the Kool Aid of political correctness. Now, I don’t want to get RACIAL about this, but if you want to push an agenda just get a bunch of mad Mexicans on your team, and get out of the way! That’s part of being a Simple Ol’ Boy From Austin. Knowing simple stuff like that.

Wendy Davis learned simple stuff back during her three legged race to the unemployment line. She tooled around Dallas, running dead babies up the flagpole two at a time, and the Liberal Democrats thought that was cool, but when she went down to the valley, and tried to talk a bunch or Mexican Catholics into killing their kids, people who had NEVER voted in their LIFE found their way to the polls! And that’s a fact JACK! I said it when she did it, and she found her way to a very clearly defined cover of Texas Monthly. I just love it when I’m right. I wish them bees Wendy is swatting would eat that wart off her face.

Bottom line is I’m not shinning the shoes of some kid out in California who got lucky with a web site. Between blogs, Chrystal Lee Larimore, and Raging Elephants I will get my stuff out! Facebook does NOT run the world. As long as Stupidberg continues to allow me to post ill be here. If I offend his Eminence, I’ll just shift gears and go right on. Roy Acuff didn’t stop me and Facebook won’t either. I had a good teacher. While I was working at Apple, Walmart approached Steve Jobs and wanted to sell iMacs in their stores. Only problem was that wanted a WALMART iMac! Less hard disk space, lower memory, fewer features. Steve told them an Apple is an Apple, and their will be no oranges. Well, Walmart said no Apple product would ever be in one of their stores. Do I need to go on. Crow is crow, fired or Bar B Q’d!

Happening Guy

Spent the day in Austin at the Capitol today at the Standup America Rally. I think, in total, about twenty-five of us stood up, of course, I remained seated because I have a bad leg. Right before our little venue there was a dance meeting concerning diabetes. It was a Mexican thing, with lots of dancing with those happy Spanish tunes you just have to like, and as much as I like to see young Mexican girls jump around in shorts, their head count was, well, “mucho!”

Now, I’d like to give you the program here. Hundreds of Mexicans dancing and working against diabetes, followed by US going on about kicking fat Mexicans out of the country! Yeah, that’s about it. I had to sit back, stroke my beard, and wonder why. Our speakers were good. An expert in Middle Eastern politics who applied his experiences on our border with some very profound facts, the lead speaker citing laws already on the books that could shut the border like a chicken shack with rats, Heidi Hansing, who’s smooth delivery lent a human element, and finally, George Rodriguez who was sheer poetry! Now here’s the rub!

Hundreds of young Texans of Mexican decent were there. When their meeting was over they began to disperse. They NEEDED to hear George Rodriguez! All of these fine, decent people, dancing for a cure for diabetes. I KNOW there weren’t bundles of illegals among them, and George’s message would have gone straight to the heart.

We have to find a new approach to our message. My manager, years ago, told me that everybody wants to get next to a “happening” guy. That’s what made all the kids on 6th street flock to a Willie Nelson concert. Be honest; he was singing old stuff I heard in the 50’s. Our message is current, but we have to “sell” it! Rattling facts and figures ain’t gonna make it. We have to become “happening!”

Raging Elephants attacks one issue after another, and our success rate is going up, but you can record the greatest record that’s ever been recorded, and it’s not worth a flip if nobody buys it. I’m sorry to say that. To quote a Roman Emperor, “Let it be wonderful, or let it be awful, but let it be UNcommon!” I’m good at uncommon. I’m REAL good at getting down!

What a Wonderful World That Would Be

Had the most interesting conversation on Becky Williams’ talk show last night. A judge was on and in enlightened language he virtually parroted something that I’ve been trying to drive home for months. He said by using the word “secede” we would empower Obama to declare us all insurrectionists and just invade Texas. He used the phrase “extinct state” instead.

He gave the example of the Middle East that had some sort of “empire” for centuries, along came that nasty old twentieth century, and sadly the Arabs never did have much on the ball so the so-called “empire” just ceased to exist. So much for Muslim unity. Well, that’s exactly what we have with the dis-United States! The simple fact is there was NEVER a “United” States. That was a figment of Lincoln’s crazy mind. The original concept of “America” was thirteen individual nations with one common goal. We even wrote this thing called a Constitution to set rules on just what the common actions between these nations would be. When the Confederacy left they really didn’t “leave” they just continued to exist. They just weren’t going to let some lawyer from Illinois tell them what to do in Alabama. Now slavery was an issue, but do you really think that system would have survived? The industrial revolution would have buried it within forty years. Lincoln had to fight a war. England just passed a law. The Yankees would have continued buying cotton, and Henry Ford would have still made the Model “T.”

The idea of a Federal Government cracking the whip on all the individual states never did work. That’s why we have the bloated bureaucracy we find today. Every time the Fed’s wrote another law to bind up the states, the former independent nations just found a way t wiggle out, and Uncle Sam had to go back and write yet another law! So what we have now is an old truck that has the muffler tied on with a coat hanger being pushed down the road by a bunch of wetbacks. God bless America!

Enter Texas! Texas is unique in that we never DID trust the Nortés, we just put up with them. Then the secessionist movement came along. Secede from what? Without Texas “America” would declare bankruptcy tomorrow at three o’clock. I say three because that’s when their stock exchange closes. Now let’s pull up my favorite word, “defacto.” Texas IS a republic, always has been. When we use the word “secede” we give legitimacy to an non-existent system that hasn’t worked for years. The real problem is we are hemorrhaging money propping up the American pipe dream that Obama loves so much.

Solution. Texas needs to stay on a steady course and continue to grow. The dollar will collapse. That’s not a conspiracy theory, that’s a fact! They are printing hot checks and calling it money. Like a blonde who thinks as long as she has checks she can continue to spend. And the big threat is that if we rock the boat they’ll come down here and invade us. DUDES! They can’t even secure the border! Everybody just calm down and let that pony run. The Republic of Texas is here and now. What I would like to see is all the other states to start acting like Texas. Stop paying protection money to Don Washington and just run their own show THEIR way. Wow! Just imagine that. Wisconsin worried about beer and cheese, California has its weed and wine, and Texas will make sure nobody runs out of steak and gasoline. What a wonderful world it would be!

ISIS vs the HomeBoys

Killeen has been targeted by ISIS! I don’t know what we did to deserve that singular honor, but I’m sure we’ll live up to it. My town of residence has had not one but TWO mass shootings. If a gunfight doesn’t kill at least three people the Killeen Daily Flabbergasted doesn’t even run it on the front page. You can’t even buy a pack of cigarettes in this town after dark without packing. I grew up here and think all that is normal! This is the only town in the country that ENJOYED Vietnam.

So now a bunch of ragheads want to “target” Big K. Well, I think we’ve finally come up with a solution to the ISIS crises. The boys what don’t eat no ham thought it was real cute to burn that guy up in a cage. Let’s see how they feel when Jamial throws them in the trunk of a car and fires THEM up! That’s AFTER he pimps their old lady out down on Avenue D. You cost the boys in the hood ONE gram, and they’ll torch every Mosque in sight. Running around the desert over there raising hell is all very fine, but it won’t fly in a town where cars don’t even pull over for a FUNERAL! And NObody is anonymous in Killeen, Texas! You don’t just blend into the crowd. A terrorist here among the homies would be like nine wolves and a sheep deciding what they’re gonna have for dinner.

I get accused of being a racist all the time. Oh my living God! Look where I grew up! There were those who bought into all that political correctness nonsense when I was young. They’re all out on Boot Hill now and we drop flowers by on occasion. Killeen is as racist as Al Sharpton at a KKK dinner, and has no problems with it. And Hadji thinks he’s just gonna slip into town and light a bomb? If the bomb has any metal in it the homeboys will steal it and sell it for meth. And forget that cell phone that was gonna be the trigger. They’ll steal that FIRST!

And don’t EVEN go around passing money out. In a town where Fort Hood shoots BILLIONS into the local economy you ain’t gonna get much respect. Oh, yeah, I forgot about all those widow makers running around out there, still mad because some OTHER raghead pulled a mass shooting off right under their noses. They’ve ALL got PTSD and they’ve ALL got a gun! And do you want to know what’s scary? We LIKE it! I guarantee you that right now there are some guys over on the north side, who read that article, just cracking their knuckles and gritting their teeth, planning to rob the Arab owned store down the street “jus cause!” Killeen will NOT be a safe place to be brown and not speak Spanish.

When CJ Grisham got his open carry pushed through about a week ago someone actually asked me, “You mean that wasn’t legal already?” Killeen is the only town where when the cops come to your house and find you packing they ask where you bought to gun and how much did it cost. Been there, SEEN that! So ISIS, we can’t stop you from coming, but we sure as shooting can arrange for you a nice trip home. Jus Sayin!

Developing a Religion 1, 2, 3

Now watch me bite off on something that almost nobody is going to agree with, but I’ve got this nasty habit of telling it like I see it so here goes. The Chaplin Gypsy Robert did an article today addressing the Muslim Allah and the Lord God of the Christians. The dividing line here is fairly clear and sides are distinct. I always try to look at issues from the other guy’s standpoint, and this is no different. I agree that the Muslims are hell bent to wipe out all other faiths and instituting a one world religion, but you have to ask yourself, how they arrive at that idea?

Let’s take a look at Mohammed in a real light, and Muslims, put your suicide vests down, I’m just going to fill in some blanks, ok? When the prophet uttered his Suras about unbelievers he lived in a world filled with pagans worshipping a whole slew of gods. The Kabba was filled to the brim with little statues of these entities, all on display for a price which went to the pockets of the rulers if Mecca who had been calling the shots for centuries. Mohammed was a fairly adept camel driver, and that’s what he really was, who could drive a caravan across the desert, sell his goods, and make it back to his investors without getting robbed. Now that was a pretty good trick back in those days. The desert was over flowing with drunken, Hedonistic vagabonds who routinely killed their first born if that first born was a girl.

Now old Mohammed claimed he saw an angel. Well, Joseph Smith saw an angel, the kids at Fatima saw an angel, EVERYBODY saw an angel. Most likely due to his travels and interactions with various cultures, he went to that cave and just made it all up. I don’t believe in Santa Clause either, folks. I’m a realist to the Nth degree. Get used to it. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, Mohammed came home one night and told his wife he saw an angel. Now bear in mind, she was a crazy as he was so she bought the story. He boiled all the Gods roaming around the Arabian Desert down to one and that was his big “message.” Now, if Mohammed had confined his ideas to fireside chats in the tent we would have never had a problem, but, as luck would have it he found his way to the Kabba and thought it might be cute to try to get those pawn brokers over there to give up all their money. Well, that didn’t work out for him and the sheiks chased his butt out of town.

Mohammed had one more talent besides being a snake oil salesman, and that was the gift of gab. Joseph Smith had that, too, in fact just about every major political movement can trace its origins back to some guy that could talk the spots off a leopard and Mohammed was no different. By the time he got to Medina he was just a tad but irritated. He began to go on and on about “unbelievers.” Now I don’t care what you think, Mohammed was talking about those guys back in Mecca. THEY were the problem, and in his original context he was RIGHT! They WERE unbelievers, and they didn’t CARE so long as the cash register kept ringing. They were a little like Republicans we have today. Again, if the one god idea had stopped right there Mohammed would have been no different from the Jews or the off shoot Christians of his day. Matter of fact, that’s where he arrived at his idea, NOT some angel back in a cave.

If the Jews and Christians had thrown in with him “Islam” would be very different today but we had one little problem. That old opiate of the masses, RELIGION! My invisible guy can whip your invisible guy. Mohammed was a very focused guy. If you weren’t part of the solution, then you are just part of the problem, and by the time he got back to Mecca Mohammed had the playing field fairly well laid out. There was THEM and then there was HIM! By this time he had more than enough supporters to help inflict his ideas upon the populace. It was about this time the Qu’ran took a left turn and “Allah” became a whole other critter from that simple one god concept Mohammed was talking about to his wife years before. Then he died.

Like the Master said, “Know them by their fruits,” and the Muslims have been growing dates for over fourteen hundred years. Ask yourself, if Allah and “God” are one and the same, then why do the Muslims insist on such radical separatism? If a Rabbi praying to YHWH is the same as a Muslim prostrating before Allah what’s the problem? Well, the two entities are not the same, THAT’S the issue. Now without venturing off into a deep theological debate here, I’m going to tell you what the problem is. If you are a theist, and you posit some creative force that made the universe it only goes to follow that the God you are talking about simply has to be one. Even if you are a pagan, believing in a host of divinities there simply must be a big guy that made all the others. So, if the god of Islam is fundamentally different from the god of virtually everybody else, then the Muslim god must be a man made creation.

You see, power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Remember that Kabba? Well, Mohammed didn’t tear it down. He just threw all the statues away and set up his OWN bank. Oh yeah, see where this is going? After his death his followers fined tuned “Allah” until he fit quite nicely inside there with hundreds of thousands of paying adherents marching counter clockwise around it. You Muslims may swat them bees now. Remind me to check under my car before I go to the store today.

I don’t think Allah is Satan per sae, but I would venture to guess Satan is quite pleased the the political creation currently wrecking havoc all over the world. A politically created “god” for a created political system. Nothing more, nothing less. Now, I have no issue with Chap, or anyone else ascribing evil to this system, but like I’ve said before 666 simply means man, man, man, and that’s what you have here. Just a bunch of guys sitting around making up stuff with a goal of stealing a LOT of money. Should the world get together and eject Islam? You know it! Muslims have set themselves apart from the rest of us, and I would say that they need at least a major overhaul of policy. If they’re the religion of “peace” then BE peaceful!

The Gun and the Walking Stick

Texas shall once again raise its head among the nations. (Sam Houston)

The assault in Bryan upon Texas sovereignty was inconceivable! There were so many infractions of the right of the people to assemble, the 4th Amendment, freedom of speech and liberty that they are innumerable. To arrest, and rob citizens of the Republic of Texas by filibusters was that shot heard around the world that we’ve all been expecting.

The wonton violence inflicted upon old men at a VFW, who were legally assembled to discuss the disenfranchisement of a widow from her property was par for the course for an outlaw regime bent on the ultimate distruction of the constitution of the former United States, and the dignity of the Republic of Texas. And what was their supposed “crime?” They sent a summons to a judge! They requested his excellency to appear and to explain his actions to the assembly. They didn’t say they were going to arrest him. They didn’t plan to impose jail time, or violence on him. They simply wanted him to come and tell them what was in his mind. He had two choices. He could have laughed, and thrown it in the trash, or perhaps simply went there and argued law with the old gentlemen over a beer! His “honor” chose a third option. He chose to shred the constitution and attack and rob. He did this because he had no defense for his actions. (You’re paying this guy, folks!)

Judges have legislated from the bench for too long. They no longer preserve, protect, and defend the constitution of the United States, they open their mouths and impose their will upon the people with increasingly expanding parameters, so far removed from the verbiage in the Bill of Rights that it defies logic, and we know to disagree, indeed, even pose a question can lead to incarceration, or worse. They can inflict heart attracts upon old men, yet to even point your finger at one of them in construed to be a crime punishable by whatever means is handy at the time. Broken ribs on the Capitol grounds for sitting quietly on the grass, listening to speeches.

And what are they so afraid of? If we are a fringe group with no power, why do they go through such great lengths to silence us? If Texas independence is some kind of pipe dream, then why are all these American corporations swarming to Austin to set up shop? Why is it so important to dissolve our borders, import Ebola, and use Texas as a training ground for martial law? They are afraid because they know they are wrong! They are afraid of an idea.

I’ve often said that there are more of us than there are of them. Think about that. Back during the civil rights movement in the ’60s, Martin Luther King, Jr. was leading his marches across the south. Most mainstream white people paid little mind, indeed were irritated, and yes, there was racism. I remember clearly the flickering images on TV one night showing black men in suits being beaten and sprayed with fire hoses, and even my father was repelled by the actions of the police. The tide turned, and THAT, friends and neighbors is exactly what the ploracracy in Austin is cringing from right now!

Austin is a hotbed of political activity. You don’t have to be crazy to live in Austin, but it sure helps. Young people are waking up. Liberty, rights, and the constitution are new ideas to them because they’ve been lied to for so long. It’s one thing to beat up a bunch of old men in a VFW, but it’s quite another to jump on 5,000 seething mad students from the University of Texas flooding the Capitol grounds asking the Governor if he can READ! And these young people don’t know about pain, or unlawful arrest. One day they will, but right now all they understand is right and wrong, and the attack on Bryan was wrong!

Some have said that our rallies are useless, but I disagree. Rallies give the people a voice. If that voice is not important then why do the holders of the palace keys fight so hard to silence it? What threat did Terry Holcomb pose with his unloaded black powder pistol? What made the police in Temple move heaven and earth to stop CJ Grisham from walking down that country road that morning with his son? The same threat as a young lawyer from Alabama upon Santa Anna, that’s what!

They Texas Senate, and House rallied last week and began a long awaited turning of the tide when they enacted Open Carry. The results weren’t perfect, but always remember, if the Titanic had changed course but one degree it would not have sank. We turned that one degree last week, people, and if it wasn’t important then the opposition would not be screaming eight now. Yet again, we saw the displeasure of a minority group at the will of the people!

It’s going to be a long fight. The liberals have worked long and hard to destroy this country, and we are going to have to work equally long and hard to put it back together again, but the first shot has been fired. Those old men in Bryan couldn’t fight all the agencies attacking them that day. They had walking sticks, and the Gestapo had guns. They chose to be a sacrifice for all to see. Their image in burned into the Texas consciousness right along with those black men before the fire hoses so long ago. That Judge will regret his actions. Should have went and had that beer, dude!

White Guilt

Heck, I’m not far enough out on this limb I’ve been on all week, let’s talk about white guilt! Now, I’m NOT going to use the “N” word for a bunch of reasons. First off, I promised Crystal Lee that I would “tone it down,” when we made our agreement. Next, I use FaceBook as a ramp, and Doc Greene counts on me to grind out these articles. I can’t afford bail for FaceBook jail. If you want to get my more “direct” perspective just join me in an “after” party at our next rally in Austin with a little Beam and I’ll enlighten you. That having been said I wish to address some things here.

In “Animal Farm” it was said that while all animals are equal, some are more equal than others. Well, friends and neighbors, that’s what we have here. Ever since Rosa Parks jumped on that bus the tail has been wagging the dog. I’m not saying that some things didn’t need to be addressed, but we white folk are a peculiar lot. Long after a problem is solved we will hold onto something and make it “cool” or “in” and wear it like a new pair of Nikes. We will even adopt certain lifestyles that have absolutely nothing to do with anything rational and act like we fit. We don’t!

Then you got black folk changing their stripes about every two or three years. First we had “Colored,” then “Negro,” which evolved into “Black,” and now we’ve got. . . well, you know. They changed the “r” to an “a” like that was going to sanitize it or something. Right about then they turned their hats backwards, put their sunglasses on the back of their heads, stuck grills in their mouths and pulled down their pants. DUDES! Don’t get mad, I’m just telling it like it is, ok? And you’ve got all these white kids running around imitating them like they got good sense! Mix a little Affirmative Action and there you have it! The end result is while we crackers can’t go on the capitol grounds with a water pistol, the New Black Panthers can parade up there with loaded rifles, shouting, “Kill the white man,” and the DPS acts like a drunken cheerleader after the homecoming game. Where did all this come from? White guilt!

For the record I’ve never owned a slave. There’s some black chicks I’d like to own, but let’s not go there. To my knowledge no Witt ever owned a slave. We were poor white trash, and poor white trash worried about supper, not slaves. I honestly have no guilt about what anyone did in 1845. Combine that with the fact that I’ve never seen anyone have to sit in the back of a bus, never seen a “white only” water fountain, and I missed all those lynchings I hear so much about back in the 1950’s. When I moved to Texas in 1962 there was a fully integrated school system (imagine that) and I took no notice of it. About the only thing I did notice is that the black kids had names just like us, but, as you know, the black folk fixed THAT, too! So why is white society tippy toeing around this subject?

The rules are so detailed that you can’t keep up with them all. Just about anything a white person says will be twisted to be “racist.” “You people” was one phrase that could never be uttered in polite society. While the blacks were wearing out horses to make sure we understood they were a culture off to themselves, if we recognize that and say, “You people,” it is the end of the world! Well, you people listen up! We have turned a magic corner here. I’ve noticed something.  It’s in its infancy right now, but it’s growing. We’re LAUGHING at you. Don’t get mad, just sit down and shut up! We’ve heard the “N” word come out of your mouths so much that the very term is now funny. It’s not cool, it’s not a political statement, it’s not a token of love for your own people, it’s your effort to get BACK on the back of that bus, and brothers and sisters, there are enough of us to put you there if that’s what you really want. We are headed for a segregated society here’s how it’s  going to look!

No one in their right mind can put the Apostle Claver in the same category as Al Sharpton. No one can listen to Dr. John David Manning and now consider his logic. Now those are facts! There are people of color who WANT to drive a nice car, wear the best clothes, eat in the finest restaurants, and are willing to work for it. Then there’s them fellers who hang out in some convenience store parking lot bumming cigarettes and showing their underwear to anyone who cares to look, while white liberals slither around, hanging their heads and feeliing real bad because SOMEone make a black dude pick cotton back in 1769! There’s your dividing line right there! When this baby is birthed there are going to be two cultures. Them, and US. They are going to be all the homeboys, led by the most holy Al Sharpton, and our group following whomEVER has demonstrated the most ability to climb life’s ladder to the top. Oh, by the way, in the end we’re going to have all the money, and THEY will be hoping that food stamps don’t run out. And THEY will not be all black.  I know there are people out there right NOW calling me a racist because I just said all that, and they will try to say I’m profiling all blacks. Au Contraire! THEY are going to be blacks with a good seasoning of stupid white liberals trying to fit into a culture that hates them, and we are going to be everybody else. Whites, blacks, Mexicans, Chinese, Fat Dagos, you name it! WE are going to found nations, create jobs, eat prime rib, and THEY are going to be demonstrating, rapping, making more babies and telling us it’s all OUR fault.

You’ll never see a world without THEM, folks. To imagine that IS racist. Like the Master said, “The poor you will always have with you.” The poor, the lazy, the stupid, the uneducated, the bent, twisted, the bizarre world of the disenfranchised. And, because there’s MONEY in it. There will always be a few of US who will champion their cause. Check out that word, “money.” You see, that’s the key. Take the worse rap song you’ve ever heard, and I can assure you that somewhere in the system there is a white dude running to the bank. Don’t tell me I’m wrong, I’ve BEEN to Nashville! I knew a rapper back in ’92 who got a hit. He was funded by two Italian guys from New York, with offices right down there on Music Square, laughing all the way to the bank!

Until that day we will have to stumble around the “N” word. THEY need the “N” word because it keeps that white guilt going, and they sure need THAT! The very minute you don’t buy into that nonsense the entire black subculture disappears like so much cotton candy and all you have left is a few fools showing their butts, bumming cigarettes! See how that lightens your load? I’ve met the Apostle Claver one time. It was down in Austin. He shook my hand and said, “You are a great composer.” Before I met him I had mentally put him on a pedestal. I didn’t do this from any guilt about what our ancestors did, I did it because I’ve studied his career and was blown away. For a man of that stature to give me, a Simple Ol’ Boy From Austin, that dignity was something I will always cherish. How can I not give that respect back to him? There’s a lot of room in the new world for the Clavers out there.

If I Were President

If I were president (of the Republic of Texas) I would have me what they call a platform. Now, I know some of my ideas might need a little work, but bear with me. It’s early and I’m on my first cup of coffee. That having been said, I’ve given this considerable thought, and I think I’ve come up with viable solutions for a number of issues vexing our society. First you have totally reject all American ideas because we’ve seen where that goes, ok?

Taxes. You have to have money to run a country. That’s a given. There always seems to be a flock of people who are “equaler” than the rest of us. While most of the people are working eight days a week, and bringing home about half of what they earn there’s these fellers who never seem to write a check. Now that ain’t right. Then you have to set up this IRS thing, because when you’re a robbing folks you simply have to keep their hands in the air while you’re going through their pockets, don’t you know. Well, we’re going to have a simple, flat 9.5% percent tax on everything. From Bibles to beer, when you buy it, we’re going to take that money, send it to Austin, and your never going to see it again. I don’t care if you’re getting paid over the table, under the table, cash, check, or chickens, when you buy, we fly. Mr. Dell will be paying a lot of 9.5, and Brenda, the school teacher, not so much. When they money gets to Austin, we gonna have this feller called a controller. We’re calling him that because he’s gonna comtrol. You see, he’s going to have a budget. The Congress will set that up, and after lengthy debate they will allow so much money for all the public services needed to run the country. It’s real simple. We’re not going to spend money we don’t have, and if you got too much month left at the end of the money then somebody needs to go home until next month. I don’t really think we have to worry about that, though, because a good, pure 9.5 will most likely pay the tab for whatever we need.

Gun control. Well, we won’t have any of that. Now we’re not crazy. We’re going to run a simple background check, and if you’re inclined to rob convenience stores, well, you can’t have one. And I know, I know, bad folks will always find a way. Well, I have a solution for that. If we catch you with a gun, and you’re a criminal, we’re gonna beat you over the head with it and toss you over the Red River, and if you come back we’re a gonna shoot you! There are special cases, and I’ll give you one. Let’s say, just for example, you got this widow woman, Edna, living all alone with her son Adam. She’s got herself an AR-15 and a pistol, but we got a problem. Adam is nuts. Everybody knows it. Nobody in the neighborhood will let him play with their kids, and they watch the women folk real close. Well, the sheriff goes over to old Edna’s house and he explains to her that Adam has one of those mental defects that I can spell here, and it just don’t make any sense at all to let him be around a gun so he’s going to take her stuff down to the station house and lock ’em up until she runs Adam off, at which time her weapons will be returned. But, she inquires, what if some villain comes breaking in the house and tries to rape on her, or worse? Well, it’s simple. She needs to just run down to the basement where Adam likes to hang out, give him an axe, and turn him loose! He’ll be doped up good and proper so he’ll know what to do. Better living through chemistry!

The border. This issue has beguiled far greater minds than mine, but, as always, there is a simple solution. First we have a paradox. If Mexico is so great, then why does the president down there keep throwing them folks over the fence? It’s beyond me, but I don’t worry about why he’s tossing them, I am going to focus on what to do with them after they hit the ground on THIS side. I believe in giving everybody what they want. I can’t see Obama’s presidency ending any time soon. He’s ignored most of the constitution, and since the qualifications to be president didn’t bother him that little two term limit’s not going to mess with him at all, so he’s going to be there, ok? And being a wetback himself he loves “undocumented immigrants!” Give him what he wants. Stick them fellers on a plane and drop them off in New York City! In no time at all Obama will have the Democratic voter base from hell! All hungry, opinionated, and looking for love. I love New York!

Drugs. Well, this one bears some consideration. Drugs aren’t the problem, it’s them folks what can’t pay for them that’s the problem. They always end up a robbing and killing to acquire their drug of choice. Now, since most citizens are packing anyway MOST of this issue will correct itself right away, there always seems to some that slip through the cracks. First off we are going to legalize marijuana. I firmly believe that Texas can grow better grass than any place like, say, California. Since it IS a weed, the price should be right around that of a pack of cigarettes. We’re gonna have to regulate it, just treat it like Jim Beam and that’ll all work out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, high school kids are gonna get some, and like I never drank a beer in high school, ok? Now let’s turn to the harder stuff. Having a joint in bed with your old lady is way beyond smoking meth and eating her face off. I mean, I’m not a doctor, but seems to me that there is a level of toxicity here. We catch you with any of that stuff we’re going to put you on a chain gang until Jesus comes back. Yeah, we’re bringing back work opportunity to the prison system, too. SOMEbody’s got to maintain the roads.

Gay Marriage. In short we don’t care! I’m going to abolish marriage licenses and if you want to marry your CAT, live like you want to live. Now, you have to remember that you’re only like, three percent of the population, and the other ninety-seven percent of us are homophobic, so since you’re supposed to be so “intellectual” do THAT math! We are not going to coddle you, or let you teach our kids, or be a special interest group. I “suggest” you hang around a park in Austin with those of your kind!

Police. In short we won’t have any. Towns can hire private companies and if they don’t want to do that we have sheriffs and deputies. We don’t NEED any loud mouth, trigger happy gumshoes cruising the streets choking people for selling cigarettes! You may swat them bees now. As far as police brutality, since most us will be packing I don’t think that will be an issue. Oh yeah, that little thing about assault on a police officer? Don’t bite off more than you can chew. You shoot some twelve year old kid who points a water pistol at you, and the neighbors hang you, I just hope you have burial insurance because that’s not in the budget!

Freedom of religion. Pray like you want to pray, but the second you start praying to a pipe bomb we’re going to toss YOU over the Red River with all them other rejects. Oklahoma’s gonna LOVE us! We’re going to put God RIGHT back in schools, and while I’m on that subject there WILL be a pledge to the flag EVERY morning. You dont like that go somewhere else and pledge to THAT flag! By the way, school lunches will be free upon request. If we can feed convicts, we can feed the kids!

There are many other issues, to numerous to mention here, but I’ll appoint committees on these as they arise. Nobody with a degree from any place other than Texas will be allowed to serve on these committees before they submit to an MMPI. This is going to be a transition period, and it’s understandable that mistakes will be made, but I think we can work this. Now, if you’ll excuse me I need to set up my GoFundMe!

PS: For all you LibTards out there this is what you call “Satire!”

Bible Thumping vs Head Thumping

Before I embark on this series of blasphemies I want to say that I believe in Jesus. Now, my beliefs are skewed by life, but by and large I accept the teachings of Yeshua. I’ve often cited the difference between God and religion. My understanding of religion is that it is man’s feeble attempt to explain the unexplainable. This is understandable because when you approach something so complex as the concept of the creative force behind the universe it simply becomes unfathomable. That’s why Jesus made it simple. There are people who take that simplicity and try to explain, or rearrange it so as to forward what they think Jesus SHOULD have said, or at least what He really meant to say.

Jesus said, “You put burdens upon men that are impossible to carry.” You see it started out very simple. You go to the Temple, kill a goat, give some of the meat to the priests, and go home. Then we got “stipulations.” Before you knew it there were far more stipulations than the simple methods of sacrifice. Jesus came along, cleared the slate, and started again. “I’ll be the sacrifice, I did it once, and if you buy that go your merry way and sin no more!”

Well, it didn’t work. The first day after the crucifixion there was contention in the upper room and we’ve been contending ever since! Now, I’m not going to bore you with two thousand plus years of theological bickering, but what I will say is there is no unified agreement as to what Jesus really expounded. That brings us to the present day.

There is a saying, “Lead, follow, or get out of the way.” There are people out there who beat that Bible until their knuckles are blue, and their listeners are blue in the face. They endlessly quote scripture after scripture, and when asked to explain, they quote yet another scripture. If you disagree then they pound yet another scripture and tell you you’re not following Jesus. They say that government is “evil” that get cricks in their necks looking up, waiting for the second coming. In short, they bury their heads in the sand, and change nothing! They don’t feed one child, they don’t give a coat to one homeless and they sit idly by watching legislators pass one abomination after another in the firm belief that any day now, Jesus is going to float down and fix it all! Verily, verily, I say unto you, “Not gonna happen!”

Christians who assimilate what Jesus really meant take action. What is that passage saying if you preach at someone and do nothing for them what good are you? Seems I read that somewhere Christians who prefer to hide their light under a basket go on and on about scripture and never apply it are whited tombs. Case in point. There is a man who quotes scripture all the time. He throws wide the gates of hell because he just knows everyone but him is headed that way. When his state adopted gay marriage he didn’t do a thing to stop it, to my knowledge didn’t even cast a vote because the government is “false” and Jesus is returning any day now to repeal that law, but till then men will marry men, women will marry women, and the sheep are nervous!

To ignore your political climate is preposterous. You can “shake the dust from your feet, and walk away” and they’ll take everything you GOT! There is no separation of church and state. We ALL have a moral (or immoral) compass. You either point north, or you point south. If you see something that appears wrong to you, and you don’t at least stand up and say, “No,” then you are part of the problem and not the solution. Time to get out of the way and let the rest of us fix it.

These people have no solutions. It’s easier to quote scripture than apply it. It’s easier to condemn people to hell than to change their hearts and minds. Jesus was not obnoxious. He drank wine, talked religion AND politics. The Apostle Paul did the same. We must work with the system we have if we are going to have a society, and society isn’t evil! It works like this: I do not agree with gay marriage. I think it’s against natural order, and reflects a dangerous way of life, but if it becomes law I will continue to vote against it and will write articles about it. Fun fact: We do NOT have gay marriage in Texas!

Don’t “say” the will of the Lord, DO the will of the Lord. If needed you will be called upon to take a stand. Will I bomb an abortion clinic? No. If I were a taxi driver, however, I would refuse to take a woman to one. Will I accept Sharia Law over the constitution? Are you mad? No babbling from the desert is going to supplant the document conceived by Christian men in my book. Not only that, no bunch of foreigners is going to come over here and tell me how to run my country. You like Sharia Law so much go back to Sharia. Take a few Big Macs with you, you’re gonna need ’em!

Live the Word. Show by your actions. Apply scripture and let people know what you believe, but do NOT sit on your hands and just let the world pass you by. To those people in other states I say, we are fighting for YOUR rights here in Texas. If we fail you’ll be short work. Someone has to stand at the gates of the Alamo, and we can do that. I just hope you appreciate it when we hand your precious “America” back!