If I were president (of the Republic of Texas) I would have me what they call a platform. Now, I know some of my ideas might need a little work, but bear with me. It’s early and I’m on my first cup of coffee. That having been said, I’ve given this considerable thought, and I think I’ve come up with viable solutions for a number of issues vexing our society. First you have totally reject all American ideas because we’ve seen where that goes, ok?
Taxes. You have to have money to run a country. That’s a given. There always seems to be a flock of people who are “equaler” than the rest of us. While most of the people are working eight days a week, and bringing home about half of what they earn there’s these fellers who never seem to write a check. Now that ain’t right. Then you have to set up this IRS thing, because when you’re a robbing folks you simply have to keep their hands in the air while you’re going through their pockets, don’t you know. Well, we’re going to have a simple, flat 9.5% percent tax on everything. From Bibles to beer, when you buy it, we’re going to take that money, send it to Austin, and your never going to see it again. I don’t care if you’re getting paid over the table, under the table, cash, check, or chickens, when you buy, we fly. Mr. Dell will be paying a lot of 9.5, and Brenda, the school teacher, not so much. When they money gets to Austin, we gonna have this feller called a controller. We’re calling him that because he’s gonna comtrol. You see, he’s going to have a budget. The Congress will set that up, and after lengthy debate they will allow so much money for all the public services needed to run the country. It’s real simple. We’re not going to spend money we don’t have, and if you got too much month left at the end of the money then somebody needs to go home until next month. I don’t really think we have to worry about that, though, because a good, pure 9.5 will most likely pay the tab for whatever we need.
Gun control. Well, we won’t have any of that. Now we’re not crazy. We’re going to run a simple background check, and if you’re inclined to rob convenience stores, well, you can’t have one. And I know, I know, bad folks will always find a way. Well, I have a solution for that. If we catch you with a gun, and you’re a criminal, we’re gonna beat you over the head with it and toss you over the Red River, and if you come back we’re a gonna shoot you! There are special cases, and I’ll give you one. Let’s say, just for example, you got this widow woman, Edna, living all alone with her son Adam. She’s got herself an AR-15 and a pistol, but we got a problem. Adam is nuts. Everybody knows it. Nobody in the neighborhood will let him play with their kids, and they watch the women folk real close. Well, the sheriff goes over to old Edna’s house and he explains to her that Adam has one of those mental defects that I can spell here, and it just don’t make any sense at all to let him be around a gun so he’s going to take her stuff down to the station house and lock ’em up until she runs Adam off, at which time her weapons will be returned. But, she inquires, what if some villain comes breaking in the house and tries to rape on her, or worse? Well, it’s simple. She needs to just run down to the basement where Adam likes to hang out, give him an axe, and turn him loose! He’ll be doped up good and proper so he’ll know what to do. Better living through chemistry!
The border. This issue has beguiled far greater minds than mine, but, as always, there is a simple solution. First we have a paradox. If Mexico is so great, then why does the president down there keep throwing them folks over the fence? It’s beyond me, but I don’t worry about why he’s tossing them, I am going to focus on what to do with them after they hit the ground on THIS side. I believe in giving everybody what they want. I can’t see Obama’s presidency ending any time soon. He’s ignored most of the constitution, and since the qualifications to be president didn’t bother him that little two term limit’s not going to mess with him at all, so he’s going to be there, ok? And being a wetback himself he loves “undocumented immigrants!” Give him what he wants. Stick them fellers on a plane and drop them off in New York City! In no time at all Obama will have the Democratic voter base from hell! All hungry, opinionated, and looking for love. I love New York!
Drugs. Well, this one bears some consideration. Drugs aren’t the problem, it’s them folks what can’t pay for them that’s the problem. They always end up a robbing and killing to acquire their drug of choice. Now, since most citizens are packing anyway MOST of this issue will correct itself right away, there always seems to some that slip through the cracks. First off we are going to legalize marijuana. I firmly believe that Texas can grow better grass than any place like, say, California. Since it IS a weed, the price should be right around that of a pack of cigarettes. We’re gonna have to regulate it, just treat it like Jim Beam and that’ll all work out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, high school kids are gonna get some, and like I never drank a beer in high school, ok? Now let’s turn to the harder stuff. Having a joint in bed with your old lady is way beyond smoking meth and eating her face off. I mean, I’m not a doctor, but seems to me that there is a level of toxicity here. We catch you with any of that stuff we’re going to put you on a chain gang until Jesus comes back. Yeah, we’re bringing back work opportunity to the prison system, too. SOMEbody’s got to maintain the roads.
Gay Marriage. In short we don’t care! I’m going to abolish marriage licenses and if you want to marry your CAT, live like you want to live. Now, you have to remember that you’re only like, three percent of the population, and the other ninety-seven percent of us are homophobic, so since you’re supposed to be so “intellectual” do THAT math! We are not going to coddle you, or let you teach our kids, or be a special interest group. I “suggest” you hang around a park in Austin with those of your kind!
Police. In short we won’t have any. Towns can hire private companies and if they don’t want to do that we have sheriffs and deputies. We don’t NEED any loud mouth, trigger happy gumshoes cruising the streets choking people for selling cigarettes! You may swat them bees now. As far as police brutality, since most us will be packing I don’t think that will be an issue. Oh yeah, that little thing about assault on a police officer? Don’t bite off more than you can chew. You shoot some twelve year old kid who points a water pistol at you, and the neighbors hang you, I just hope you have burial insurance because that’s not in the budget!
Freedom of religion. Pray like you want to pray, but the second you start praying to a pipe bomb we’re going to toss YOU over the Red River with all them other rejects. Oklahoma’s gonna LOVE us! We’re going to put God RIGHT back in schools, and while I’m on that subject there WILL be a pledge to the flag EVERY morning. You dont like that go somewhere else and pledge to THAT flag! By the way, school lunches will be free upon request. If we can feed convicts, we can feed the kids!
There are many other issues, to numerous to mention here, but I’ll appoint committees on these as they arise. Nobody with a degree from any place other than Texas will be allowed to serve on these committees before they submit to an MMPI. This is going to be a transition period, and it’s understandable that mistakes will be made, but I think we can work this. Now, if you’ll excuse me I need to set up my GoFundMe!
PS: For all you LibTards out there this is what you call “Satire!”