Well, I was blessed by a visit from the CPS this week. That’s where I’ve been, by the way, for all those of you with inquiring minds who thought I had died. That was Spock that died, I’m fine. Anyway, one of the twins took a swing at the other twin and the school went into full NSA overdrive. Rather than taking the five year old to the clinic the teacher secreted the kid in some remote portion of the school house and called the CPS. We were hit at two-thirty in the morning, I Crappith thee NOT!
“Ding Dong,” the doorbell went and since we never answer the door at that time of the morning, I simply waited until the patrol car pulled away and called the police station whereupon I was informed that the caller was a “well check” requested by the CPS. (This is my surprised face!) Naturally, the whole house was up by that time, and having had many precious encounters with the department before, the kids were riled up pretty good.
Now, for the novice out there let me explain how this works. First off public schools are revolving doors for CPS “product.” Teachers pick a child they want, wait for a scratch, or bruise, and call the ever vigilant hot line to place their order, I mean report an injury. There is no such thing as a common sense factor in this. If said child bumped his butt on the school slide and got a bruise, full investigation up to and including drug testing of parents, and questions about pedophilia. In this case I was alone at the house the next evening when they showed up. Kinda like I planned this, huh? Actually I had an evil scheme . You see, the last time we went through this they sent this hot little blonde out ALONE, so, you see? Well, this time let’s just say it was NOT a hot little blonde, and she brought Evander Holyfield with her! Curses! Foiled again!
I was polite and broke all my own rules letting the man and woman right in. I can say they were honest about the issue. Slight bruise on a twin’s chin, and the other twin had confessed. You’d think the whole thing would end right there. Au Contraire. Five kids, five WHITE kids with blue eyes, all eight and under, that’s a lot of money on the table there. We had to take pictures, LOTS of pictures. Fortunately everything was in order. I was expecting a young lady so the house was perfect.
I’ll never get used to how untrained CPS workers are. They show up at a house, after dark, to possibly take children away from the family, get invited in by an old man who looks like Brigham Young, and just sit down like they’ve got good sense. For those of you who follow my tweets you know this was the night I was treating a sore throat with Jim Beam, and, of course I’m Packing. God bless the second amendment! So, for those of you who don’t like people defending themselves I will let you know that we all had a nice chat, shook hands, and the two workers left without any holes in them.
Oh, I’m sorry, the investigation? As I write this the assailed twin is at the clinic. Seems the “bruise” was a shadow caused by the mumps. Yeah, remember those? When the teacher by passed the REGISTERED NURSE in the clinic this entire comedy of errors commenced from a case of mumps! Oh, it’ll drag out. Like I said, that’s a lot of money on the table. Speaking of money let’s see what this cluster screw cost YOU Mr. and Mrs. Taxpayer. Hmmmm, fully staffed, twenty-four seven call center in Austin, at Austin rates, one investigator, one guy with the investigator, car, gas, cell phone, police officer, secretary and appropriate staff down at the office to type all this up. The full physicals and psyche evals of five children you didn’t pay for, WE paid for that, because when we get into one of these things we like to use LICENSED doctors NOT on the take from the CPS. Oh, and we footed the bill for the health department coming out and giving the house a clean bill of health, and the thirty five dollars for the fire department to tap all the fire extinguishers with that little rubber hammer they have. All because some school ma’arm decided to stop teaching reading, writing, and rithmatic, and chose to play Doctor! Hey, maybe I can get that teacher to come out, I mean, she likes to play doctor so much.