Ten Things That Will Make You Happy
by Wilbur Witt
10. Don’t let anyone tell you to be unhappy. You can get up in the morning, take a shower, brush your teeth, pour a cup of coffee, and go out to your porch to greet a glorious sunrise and invariably some jackass (or jackass-ette) will show up and rain on your parade. Give them a free cup of coffee (in a styrofoam cup) and send them back out into the world that they created. All they’re doing is polluting your mind with negative thoughts. They can’t solve their own issues so they try to dilute their misery by spreading it around. Usually this involves their love life. They are clinging to some terrible situation and while asking advice that they really don’t want because they have not summoned the strength to leave said situation and they are seeking justification, and when they don’t get it they become Oprah and advise you on how to run (ruin) your life. They should purchase a book on masturbation and practice it frequently so as not to involve anyone else in their topsy-turvy life!
9. Don’t let anyone equate money with your success. All writers experience this. A writer reaches into their heart and draw out explanations for their life. No writer begins to write with the idea that someday they will become rich, indeed, most will not. Most writers will only be read by their friends and family, but that’s ok. That doesn’t make the writing any less important. Commercialism is the bane of inspiration. If you become a “professional” you concede to commercialism and you lose something. That’s why the honey you purchase from a roadside vendor tastes better that that which you get from a supermarket. When someone says, “How much MONEY have you made with your writing?” just smile knowingly and reply, “More than you!”
8. Never take a politician serious. All politicians are liars. That’s why they’re politicians. If they were in the truth business they’d be barbers, or bartenders. They are versed on negotiation, with is actually the art of trying to sell a gallon of gasoline and when you can’t turn a profit you dilute it with moonshine, which by the way is actually being done. Look at their voting record, and it doesn’t make any difference if they’re Democrat, Republican, or an out and out communist, they all belly up to the same hog trough! Best you’re gonna get out of a politician is that they don’t steal too much during their tenure on the public dole.
7. Never blindly accept anything a lawyer tells you. Ever wonder why a lot of politicians are lawyers? (See the above.) The entire BAR Is a sham. The very idea that someone has to be licensed to advise someone on the law is a money scam. How can we license Lawyers and not prostitutes? They make legal matters so complicated that it takes a lawyer to simply understand, or further complicate the issue so as to confuse the process enough to get a fee for doing it. This is why O. J. Simpson was was found guilty of violating his deceased ex-wife’s rights when he “didn’t” kill her! This is where terms like “felony murder” come about. As opposed to what? FRIENDLY murder? How many lawyers does it take to screw a light bulb? Three. One to screw the light bulb and two to file a brief. When a lawyer tells you something know from the start that the advice is a lie. Then decide how the lie will best serve you. If it fits then you’re ahead because the judge is a liar, too.
6. Never remarry an ex. A divorce is the only proceeding where two people agree that they can’t even get along in bed! When you go through all the paperwork, and yes, lawyers that it takes to untie the knot for God’s sake don’t tie it back! A friend of mine remarried the same girl four times. Ended up owned fifteen percent of himself. Oh, you can be friends, just don’t let them lock you in any more. In fact, it seems that if the door is always open, and the path is free to go the relationship may even improve. When the relationship is between two independent people it makes one more attentive. And, if you wake up one morning and they’re gone they’re just freaking GONE! Cook two eggs that morning.
5. Don’t worry about your health. I hear it already. How can you not take care of your health? I didn’t say not to take care of it I said don’t worry about it. If you see your doctor and get a pill to control something just take the pill and go on about your business. Live each day as if it were your last and one day you’ll be right. Had a relative who died at ninety-seven years old and his two older sisters were at the funeral telling everyone drinking and smoking finally killed him. We were never designed to last forever and it’s better to be happy than spend the last ten years of your life studying the color of your stool. The day will come for most of us that the doctor says there’s nothing more they can do. But before that day comes there is a lot you can do, and a lot of people you can do it to.
4. Keep a few good friends. We’re all just passing through. Two thousand years from now some nerd will be picking at your teeth trying to figure out if you were capable of speech so remember that. You need to have a couple of people you can bounce ideas off of. Not burden them (see point number one) but just relate to. And they don’t have to agree with you. That’s not important. I have a friend, Ted, and he and I don’t agree on a single idea but I get more ideas for articles from him than anyone else. Figure that out. Friends are people you enjoy being around, not people who agree with everything you say. Always remember, you need to keep at least two friends because that’s how many handles there are on a garbage can.
3. Dodge relatives who have moved away from you. Wow! Think about that. I’m not talking about someone who is employed in a position that requires the absence from origins, I’m talking about people who conspired to stay away and actually work on becoming remote and different. Eventually these people will hurt your feelings. Count on it. You can love them, just know there’s a REASON the live where they live. This especially applies to anyone who moves to California. If you will note there are fifty states and California is the only state that takes a hit from practically all the others. Practically everything weird had its origins in California. Now I like California, but I like fat girls too, so do the math. Your revenge on these people is that if they ever come home they won’t fit in.
2. Sleep when you’re sleepy. Time is man’s invention. When you have to be at work that’s one thing, but when you don’t, and you feel sleepy just sleep. Sometimes it’ll only be ten minutes but you’ll be amazed. Take a Saturday and drink a glass of wine long about two in the afternoon and don’t fight it! Wonderful! Especially if you have someone to sleep WITH! Better yet, take the bottle of wine and two glasses to the bedroom. You may not get up for the rest of the day. The world will turn perfectly fine without you!
1. Learn a new joke every day. Every day make it a point to seek out something funny. It can be a joke, a video, even a picture and share it. To expand this idea, pick at least one day of the week when you don’t read the news. You’ll be absolutely overwhelmed. Nothing will change. Learn two jokes that day. The more you laugh and smile the harder it is for the world to tear you down.