They Look Funny, Smell Funny, And Pray To A Different God

How To Fight A Just War
by Wilbur Witt

When the twin towers fell, like many of you I was incensed! When we invaded Afghanistan I was 100% behind president Bush. When we chased the Taliban into the mountains I thought we were making great headway. When we invaded Iraq I began to change. Being close to the military I get to hear private opinions from service men and women. A soldier or sailor is a trained professional. Their personal beliefs are often in direct opposition to their actions. When you place them in a combat situation in a country that really doesn’t want them there all they have to fall back on is training, and they use that training to get home! The larger picture escapes them as they scan to roadside for IEDs. Job one is to survive.

In WWII we had one goal. No matter how important Tojo or Mussolini thought they were to object of the game was to kill Hitler. Adolf Hitler was a successful author, war hero, with the political understanding of Teddy Roosevelt, the business savvy of Bill Gates, and a very large supply of guts. He kicked Europe’s ass hands down, jumped on Russia, and eyed Britain. When we entered the war it wasn’t written in stone that the conflict would end the way we wanted. If we hadn’t entered the war Hitler would have won! If he hadn’t have had to concentrate on the eastern front he would have chased Stalin into Siberia and annihilated him. When he stuck that pistol to his head the war was over. The Japanese immediately began seriously considering surrender, and Benito and his whore were already hanging upside down in a gas station.

What was Hitler fighting for? He took over a ravaged economy, a people beat down by its adversaries with no hope. He blamed the Jews for everything. Did i mention Adolf was also an asshole? He constructed a military industrial complex that fed on conquest. The industrial masters of Germany loved him. Had he stopped at the Russian border, and left England alone history would be very different today. But, the fact remains that this old man, shaking with Parkinson’s disease, hiding in a hole, came very close to achieving his goal.

When he died everyone understood that the war had been won. We went in and helped rebuild Germany, eventually turning it into a greater nation than it had ever been. We had military bases there,mot be sure, but it was different than Afghanistan, or Iraq. These were Christian people, Hitler was a Catholic. They were white, like us, and they were smart! Their machine guns fired faster than ours, their planes flew higher and faster than ours, and basically our culture was the same.

The people of the Middle East are not like us. They dress funny, smell funny, and they babble five times a day to some desert god they were led to by a businessman some 1600 years ago. They fight and squabble with each other all the time, and the only reason they tolerate us at all is oil. They discovered long ago you simply can’t pump gas up a camel’s ass. Now, you take a region with that kind of resources, mix it with a military industrial complex that drinks oil by the barrel, and see where it goes. America is “Build more cars,” and Saudi Arabia is “Sell more gas!” It’s no deeper than that! It has nothing to do with right or wrong, or who’s on first, it is all about money.

Muslims are a different people. They LIKE a strong man at the top. They feel secure knowing one man has his hand on the wheel. They find refuge in the words of Mohammed, their family, and steady food. We come stomping off into their country and WE smell funny, WE look funny, and WE pray to little sticks that some guy in Rome told us was holy. Killing Osama Bin Laden was just. He attacked us. No real Muslim has a problem with that. What they have a problem with is the Western method of perpetuating war long after the objective is achieved. The Qu’ran teaches that when an enemy stops resisting you must stop fighting him. They know Osama is dead. They know Saddam is dead. They know Quadaffi is dead. Now, they look in their streets at our tanks and I don’t know the Arabic letters, but the loose translation is WTF!

And these people will fight. Their tradition teaches them that one man with a few dedicated followers can win a war. They know nothing about world views, nothing about American history, and nothing about our religion except from their viewpoint we are just plain weird! They will never stop resisting. Every time you kill one Muslim you piss off his entire family. They are not evil. You out there who follow me know my views on religion, but let me restate them a little. Mankind formulates religion to try to explain the unexplainable. I believe that there is an unmoved mover. I do NOT believe He (or She for my California readers) is a Catholic, Mormon, or Muslim! I believe when you try to force words into God’s mouth you get operations on little girls’ clits, people who can’t drink coffee on a winter morning, and burning women at the stake because they enjoy sex! The rule is simple. If it hurts someone it ain’t God, it’s YOU! Wow! That hurts, doesn’t it. “Wilbur, you just called all devoutly religious people a bunch of nuts!” Well, yeah! When you snip off the end of a baby’s pee pee because the invisible man in your head told you to . . .you’re NUTS!

Where is the solution? Uh, end the war. Let the FBI, CIA, Interpol, and other organizations handle the CRIMINALS out there who don’t know how to interpret the Qu’ran, and bring the troops home. Let Halliburton and Texaco do their thing but don’t underwrite their corporations with American blood. And, oh yes, the reason I’m posting this on my Republic of Texas blog, develop OUR oil. Texas, Canada, and, oh yes, Mexico have enough resources to fuel your car, friends, and the Mexicans don’t hijack planes. And I don’t want any talk about how much oil THEY have OVER THERE, it costs too damn much! Let em sell it to the Chinese and see how that works out for them.

You can’t bring back the dead from the Towers, or Boston, or Baghdad. It’s time to move on. As a supporter of the Republic of Texas I’d be more than happy to do that without one drop of Middle Eastern oil. We need to defend our shores, it’s true, but we can do that from over here. There’s a logistical reason the USA is positioned between two vast oceans. And we need to stop this knee jerk relation every time some leader smart mouths us. We recently considered yet another war because some fat boy in North Korea said he was going to bomb the White House! Even the freaking Chinese were laughing and telling him to STFU! But the good ol’ watch dogs inside the beltway were trotting out telling us how serious this was. By the way, I’m quite sure there’s some tribal king in Ethiopia with a bone in his nose that wants to attack Washington, too. Better send in the Marines! And what would we get out of a war with North Korea? Hell, they’re not even a WHOLE Korea, they’re a HALF a Korea. What we’d get is a bunch of yellow people, all running around, pissed off, planning to bomb every street hot dog vendor in New York City, that’s what we’d get. And, yes, they look funny, smell funny, and pray to the fat kid.

Bring the troops home. Fund some kind of national health insurance. Develop domestic reserves. Tax the CRAP out of investors and corporations who go over THERE and sell us products we can easily manufacture right here. Open the borders. We don’t treat the Canadians the same way we treat the Mexicans. Oh, but Wilbur, them Mexicans have DRUG CARTELS! Well, they wouldn’t have them if we piped their oil up here and decriminalized a PLANT that 52% of Americans have no problem with, now would they. I thought we were a Republic of the people, by the people and for the people. Now, I’m just a simple ol’ boy from Austin, but did I miss something here?

I hope I’ve struck a chord with some of you. I hope that enough people see the logic in what I have said. I saw a short film this morning that contained a picture of a little Muslim boy, half buried in the sand with his eyes rotted out. And he lost his life so Dick Cheney could continue to make a profit. I can’t accept that . . .can you?


Death by Stupid

by Wilbur Witt

As we wait for the ultimate fate of Jody Arias I have mulled over a range of circumstances and possible outcomes to the saga that has dominated the media for months. My opinions have fluctuated from distain to outright attraction, but I have settled on some opinions. These opinions have been formed by Miss Arias’ actions, but have been salted by the actions of the contributing parties as well. One of the lovely things about being sixty two years old is you can voice opinions that are not necessarily mainstream.

First let’s examine the crime itself. We all know the scenario, twenty seven stab wounds, cut throat, two shots to the head, horrific to be sure, but put it on a scale. Is it worse than a drone attack on a terrorist that also kills a three year old child who just happens to be in the same building at the same time? How about the college student a few days ago who was shot accidentally by the same officer who was trying to save her? A few years ago I lived in the same neighborhood with a general in the army. it came to light that he had employed a certain method during the first Gulf War to dispatch a number of Iraqi regulars that was, well to be honest, a bit unorthodox. Seems he used one column of tanks to route them, and employed another group to run over them. When CNN showed up he summed his action up in one sentence. “I’m sorry to be the first one to tell you this, but there’s just no nice way to kill people!”

Ask yourself, would Jodi’s crime have been better if she had just shot Travis between the eyes with one shot? Would he be any less dead? To be sure, most women, so motivated would have done just that. Women, by nature are not into knife wielding violence. A small caliber pistol provides a more “lady like” tool for a woman than a butcher knife, Lizzy Borden aside. We move into the realm of mediating circumstances. What made Jodi employ that knife rather than a .25 semi automatic pistol? What forces made an artistic party girl suddenly try to cut her boyfriend’s head off? A person with no criminal record, never violent toward any boyfriend, a person who accommodated all of Travis’ “needs?”

I listened to her final plea to the jury yesterday. I learned about her childhood. Like my own, she didn’t have much, but she put a value on her relationship with her family. My father was a roofer. He drank beer. He loved a TV show called “The Guns of Will Sonnet.” We lived in the projects. He would raise hell if we couldn’t get that show on for him on Friday nights, and I hated that. Kinda wish I could watch it with dad one more time.

I looked at the nude photos of Jodi. Frankly, with all this hub bub I expected to see a drop dead gorgeous woman. What I saw was a girl who’s legs were a bit too big, saggy, with a goofy face. I saw a girl who most likely drifted from boyfriend to boy friend whom upon becoming tired of her simply faded away. She had accepted that role all,of her life.

Travis Alexander was the fulfillment of a dream for Jodi. He had good looks, he was a businessman, he was religious, had a house, he had it all. He took trips to far away lands. Unfortunately for Jodi, he was also an asshole. I understand the feelings of his siblings. The relationship between brother and sister, or brother and brother is never the same as the one between a man and his sexual partners. Travis Alexander, in Jodi Arias, had found the perfect sexual toy to vent his desires upon. I listened to his voice on the famous phone call last night. Two things struck me. One, he wasn’t very good at phone sex and two he was a classic Narcisstic personality. He spent a large amount of time descibing his sexual exploits as Jodi giggled, and spurred him on. And Jodi, chasing the dream, would submit to any suggestions he might have in the faint hope that finally she would live the dream. She would,,at last, grab the ring!

He wanted to be done with her, ok. She’d had that before. She stalked him, ok. Her dream was fading away like cotton candy in her mouth. She showed up on his doorstep hoping for just one more shot. In spite of all the testimony about how he thought she was stalking him, Travis Alexander opened the door now ask yourself, why did he do that? She gave it her all, just look at the pictures, and that final day Travis said, “Not good enough. Next!” Then, he had the nerve to march into the shower and parade around while she took pictures. I was particularly taken by the one shot where he stares right into the camera with that movie star look. Then he turned his back on a woman scorned. Death by stupid!

Did Travis deserve to die, certainly not. There are lots of manipulative men in the world who live to a ripe old age, usually a lonely old age filled with gifts like ED. Was Jodi right in what she did, absolutely not. People get rejected all the time. If she had been thinking she should have rose early that morning, keyed his car while he slept, and slipped off. When Travis Alexander told her that she would not be going to Mexico with him after she submitted to all of his wants and fantasies, and then gave her a show in the shower Jodi Arias reached the end of her rope. I’ve read about how he was afraid of her. I’ve read about how he was avoiding her. He thought so little of her feelings, and according to him he understood she was obsessed, that he turned his back on her! He should have never let her in the door in the first place! Jodi Arias didn’t just kill Travis Alexander, she killed every man who ever used her. She killed her LIFE!

Should Jodi die? She already has. Choking her to death on some gurney years from now after most people have forgotten who she was will not serve justice. Jodi died that morning when Travis told her she would not be going to Mexico. She died of a broke heart, and took Travis with her. In a way she got what she was seeking. She and Travis will be forever linked in eternity. In her rage that afternoon she sealed their union in blood.

Should she spend her life in prison. Yes. Jodi didn’t kill twenty school children. She acted in a fit of jealous rage. Her best choice is prison. You may be amazed at what comes out of her if she gets life. She’s clever, manipulative, and artistic. Believe it or not people settle down in a life in prison, and as she tells her story to her “cellies” those women there will understand her motivations. They will understand them far better than any psychologist, or wannabe prosecutor in “Somewhere,” Arizona! And hopefully, someday,,this tortured soul will find peace.

Gentlemen, never take a woman’s feelings lightly. Never think that just because she’s submissive that she is in concert with you. Handle their hearts with care. Women are not the weaker sex. They give BIRTH! Unfortunately, for people like Travis Alexander, they can also give death.

Frank and his Big Scewdriver

by Wilbur Witt

During my time at Sears Holdings as a Customer Solutions manager I took thousands of calls from customers trying to resolve various issues arising from purchases they had made at Sears, or the coordination of repairs of item so purchased, but one call in particular stands out to me. It was in the middle of summer, heat waves were baking the northeast, and especially New York City. Air conditioners, strained beyond their capacity were failing all,over the city, and we were having to work very hard to route technicians to each call with the waiting list as long as two weeks in some cases.

I received a call one afternoon from an elderly lady living in New York. Her one window air conditioner had stopped working. I was on what they called the “third tier” which was a special group, only in Austin, that got escalated calls where at least three Sears employees had failed to satisfy the customer’s needs. This woman’s needs were simple. She was over eighty years old, lived on the third floor of am old brownstone, on a crowded street, and the men who had been dispatched didn’t want the hassle so they were consistently marking her as a “not at home,” and she continued to bake in a three room walk up that was never designed for this kind of heat.

As I looked at the list of work orders that had not been completed she began to tell me everything about her situation. I already knew it was bad, old lady in an apartment with ninety plus heat, but she told me that a year ago her husband of over fifty years, Frank, had passed away.

“I don’t know how to do this. Frank always handled things. He bought the insurance from Sears and everything. Should I go and meet them in the street? Frank always took care of everything, and if her was here with his big screw driver he’d already have fixed this.” Then, she began to sob uncontrollably. I asked her to allow me to put her on a brief hold.

“You will be back, right. All the others put me on hold and never come back.”. I assured her I would most certainly return. Being on the third level wielded a certain amount of power. There were only a couple hundred or so of us, but we sat very near the source of power at Sears, and we had an entire tool box we could use to solve problems, or exercise pressure. I was a task master at the political end. I would use real rules, arm twisting, and outright bluffs if need be.

I called the unit in New York City and got the manager. I began cordially by letting him know that this lady had been passed over at least three times. I reminded him that she had a protection plan on her air conditioner. He started to give me all the excuses about the overflow of calls, the heat, her location, the difficulty of access, and I cut him off. This Yankee thought it was hot in the Bronx, try Austin, Texas.

“Oh, silly me, I guess I didn’t make myself clear. Ok. If there isn’t cold air blowing on Miss Edna by six o’clock tonight I’m going to deactivate the crew that has the work order I just struck, after I deactivate YOU!”

Long silence. Of course, he wanted my name, location, and division. I gave it to him. Another long silence. “”Ok. I’ll get it done.”

“Have the tech bring another unit with him. It’s a small ‘110’ air conditioner. My fifteen year old grand daughter could carry. That way I won’t have to expect her to wait three more weeks for parts.”

He told me he would arrange that too. “And, one more thing, make sure the guy takes a big screw driver, make sure Edna sees it.”


“Don’t question me, just do it!”

“I’m going to file a report on this.”

“I’m sure you will.”

I went back and told Edna to alert the person in her lobby about the arrival of the repairman. After that I went to break. Sears had an elite team of senior techs who oversaw all repairs nationwide, and yes, they are in Austin, too. The call center is built around them, literally! They sat in the middle of the building, and all the rest of us were positioned around them. The public was never allowed to speak to them, and that was a good thing because most of them were a bunch or grizzly old bikers who had worked construction all their lives. I had coffee with one of them and told him what had just transpired. He told me to send him the case and he would watch over it after I ended my shift. If that unit manager in New York thought I was an asshole he just hadn’t met Gary yet!

The next day was my midweek day off, but when I returned on Friday I immediately checked Edna’s work order. I was very pleased to see that it had been completed. I left Sears right after that, but I think about Edna now and then. By now I suppose she’s passed on, but I know as she goes through the gates of heaven Frank won’t be too hard to find. He’ll be waiting for her, with his big screwdriver.

Where’s My $5,000 American?????

Submitted for your consideration one Catherine currently residing in Cote d Ivoire, Africa. She/He/It greeted me some days ago asking me my status and giving me the usual story that she was a French transplant who moved to Africa because of the expensive lifestyle in France. She threw in the sad fact that both of her parents are dead. If you will note, many days later she told me if she came to see me I had to make sure her mother had money to take care of her. As usual, I told her the absolute truth about myself, but upon subsequent conversation I went ahead and punked her. Asked her at one point her size so I could buy her a night gown. Knowing that there was a 95% chance I was talking to a man I just couldn’t resist the line from Men’s Warehouse, “You’re gonna like the way ya look, I guarantee it!” I strung “it” along and when the answer (and the $5,000 requested) wasn’t forth coming we see the usual threat, “damage then.” She is the first line, with me alternating my responses every other line. Instead of a trip to America I booked her a passage to The Wilbur Zone. Ladies and gentlemen, Catherine of Cote d Ivoire!

how are you ?

Fine, and yourself?

I’m fine thank you so tell me a little about you made your biiographie if you do not mind?

I’m a writer. I’m 61. I’m divorced. I’m a gentleman. I live in Texas

ah ok and t you call how you search anything on the net.?

Look up Weird Wilbur on Google

sorry I can not see

Where are you?

I life in Africa precisely in cote d ivoire but I am French and my first name is catherine c about you?

I am Wilbur. What country are you in?

Wilbur delighted me is catherine c I live in cote d ivoire africa precisely but I am of French origin because I have caused left France because of the expensive life in France since the death of both my parents in a car acident j expected that you understand me?

Oh, totally

so tell me about you, you think your life again one day c is to say is what you looking for a woman?

I’m single now. Getting my publishing together.

ah ok y me dicen que la investigación exactamente qué tipo de mujer?

English please


you research what kind of woman?

Not really looking any more. Have girl friends but that’s about all.

yes it is just that I am not happy and I’m new on the net for one reason make me new knowledge to find a serious man who will love and m give me his true love heart

I wish I could find such a woman

and tell me what country you are living presently?
I life in Africa precisely in cote d ivoire

I live in the us. My wife died four years ago. We had a real estate business.

you life in which country?
I c is catherine of French origin unmarried woman without children soon 31years 32years working in a salon beautée

I live in the USA in one of my four houses

ah ok no worries then tell me why you have not found a woman with you? you think finding a wife on the net, you believe in the love of the net?

I have not really looked for one. I would like to meet one now. I would like to get to know her. If she is away I would bring her here

ah ok I understand you I’m not a rich woman and I live far away from you if it ever wanted to walk us how are we going to do because I can not pay my ticket and I think you’re really good as a man because you’re the kind of man I am looking for a man who lives alone

I live alone with my little dog. After my wife died in a car crash I moved from the house we lived in to the bigger house because I missed her. I guess I would have to buy plane tickets for you

ouii biensur me a transfer of money so I can do all my papers and also the booking of my ticket j hoped you understand? really sorry for your wife, but I also would like to j make your acquaintance because I am also unmarried and I would like to live with a serious man like you

Couldn’t I just buy you a plane ticket?
How much to you need to do your papers?

oh yeah if you want but then you have to make me clench a transfer pourque I can settle everything here because I live here with my mother and I have great store many things before my departure

Ok, how much money are we talking about?

j would need $ 5,000 to settle all my papers and store all my stuff too

How would I send it. I’ve never sent money to another country.

you realize in a position and you do request a warrant via western union j hoped you know well?

Oh, ok. I know Western Union

and you will also need to perform my data transfer

How do I do that?

ouii c is his you know if I tell you all this is that I’m really excited to meet you and if you m sending this amount will be living proof that you really alone and you really want to know me and me too I would be very happy to meet you.
well then as I have t say I’ll give you my address and you turn yourself in a Western Union agency you request to transfer via Western Union and through my contact you sending the money I t have asked for my papers and they will give you a transfer code of 10 digits as his I can removed the money once you give me the code. and you must also asked a question and gave an answer that all the parties in terms you understand j expected?


tell me you’re really inspired to do my meeting…?

You are very beautiful. Would love to meet you. This is so wonderful. I’m 61. I never thought such a young beautiful woman would want to meet me

ok no worries I see so I’ll give you my contact pourque can do the office? because I also never thought I’d find a serious man like you and your words still give me more eager to make your acquaintance as the age does not matter to me because I love looking for the true love of the heart


yes I’m really sincere with you so I give you my address pourque you can do the office?

It will take about an hour. I have to run to the bank and they are open until noon.

ouii I understand you so I give you tell me yes or no?

Yes yes

Name: aman
first name: catherine elouah
Country: cote d ivoire
City: Grand Bassam
ok here is my contact you j Receipts well as expected thanks to its coodonnées the mandate you can do if you really want to make the mandate pourque I come to thee

Ok. Give me an hour. I will check on plane tickets too. I’m so excited. Do I need to put a code word for you on the Western Union?

No no you have not checked because I t did not give a fixed price but I t have asked for a sum or I can do all my papers because I have many things to do apart the ticket such as I have left a little of money to my great mother to do some shopping for clothes and many other expected day you understand

Yes. Then how much do you need?

not once you finish filling out the form with my coordinates of course they will give them even a code c is you who will then give me pourque I can withdraw money without taking the head you understand?

Oh, ok. Like I said, I’ve never sent money to another country.

I have totally need I say $ 5,000 American


yes I understand you then you can send that amount of $ 5,000 American? be sincere and honest with me stp

Give me an hour. I have to run to the bank. Also, what size nightgown do you wear ? I respect you. I’m as honest as I know you are.

lolll I laugh I am still connected now you go j expected you not play with me Wilbur?

I’m not playing. Believe me.

ok no worries then shows me that you are man of his word and I’ll prove it to myself that I want a man I will come unto thee quickly because I’d be very happy also

I am going to flood you with such emotion that you will quiver and shake like a school girl. You will never forget me. I really want to buy you a night gown. You’re gonna like the way ya look, I guarantee it!

ah good then you come back with the transfer references how long the pourque I can have?

It will take me about an hour, I have to run. What’s the size of your nightgown. I want to buy you one.

n is listening you have to buy a shirt m me everything I want to c is that you prove to me before you meet your words then go al transfer agency Western Union to me the mandate to $ 5,000 American so I can be after once reassured by your side I would be delighted to accept all your gifts


you’re gone? you’re gone? No more am writing you? c you see is what I was afraid if you were really serious and here for the answer for you! damage then
But why, you answer me? when you played with me it is his? attend the call . . .HONEY

Handing A Dating Scammer Their Face 101

Update on Ghana Dating Scams

After punking “Rosemond” yesterday I did some online research into what is a booming business in Ghana. While the Nigerians invented these cons the scammers in Ghana have taken it to an entirely new level. I’ve seen interviews with people who work the call centers, or Internet cafes, and I’ve read dozens of cases studies. I must say on one level I was impressed with the volume of work these people do. On the other hand, if they put such technology, and industry into legitimate help centers they could make good money legitimately. I’ve come to some some conclusions.

Now, I know I’m going to get some resistance on this but rule number one is very simple, if you meet anyone online who tells you they are from anywhere in Africa they are scamming you. These people have no morals, to human feeling and are only out to steal as much money as they can. I can already hear it, “Oh, Wilbur, how can you condemn an entire continent?” It’s easy. That’s what they are, and if you remember that rule you will never be scammed. Verily, verily I say unto you, nine times out of ten you are not even talking to a woman, it’s a man, and that man does not look like Brittney Spears, more than likely he looks like Big Daddy Idi Amin! And you’ll be telling him you want to kiss his belly.

If you ignore this simple rule, and think there still might be a chance for international love rule two is never ever send any money. No matter how detailed the story, no matter how complex the assurances, don’t even send a dime for a parking meter. I’ve given the scenarios here but to recap, no one but no one has inherited a huge amount of Gold in Ghana. If they did the government would kill them and take it. I read a write up on Ghana, and it was referred to as a democracy. These are the same people who have monstrous civil wars because the bones in their noses point in different directions.

I have a friend. She lives in England. I have another. She lives in California. Neither of these ladies have ever asked me for a dime. I may meet the one in California during one of my trips, but I don’t know if I’ll ever meet the lady from England. If she ever comes to America on holiday I will try to have dinner with her on the Riverwalk in San Antonio. I would love her to have a nice suite at the Marriott with a balcony overlooking the walk, and, of course, we will do the Alamo. Not very exotic is it? That’s because she is real! Just as the lady is in California. I plan going to a winery with her if we can swing it. She loves horses and I have a friend that will let her ride to her heart’s content.

Rule three is if you can’t make it with real women you know give it up. The fundamental part of any con is the greed of the mark. The scammer couldn’t scam you if you weren’t scamming in the first place. Fact is, if you can’t find company in your town, why leap to the Internet? You do it because you either feel inadequate or you, too, have something you are withholding. Maybe you’re fat, maybe your old, or perhaps you are just shy, it doesn’t matter. Fat, old, shy people find love every day and it doesn’t cost $10,000 to get it. I have a limp and I’m 61 years old. I’m not very romantic and I have no style with with women. I wouldn’t pick up on a sexual signal from a girl if she typed it in Braille and stuck it up my ass! That’s why I live alone. And that doesn’t bother me. I know ME! That’s why when some chick from Ghana starts telling me how much she loves me, how good looking I am, and how I turned her entire life around I know her eyes are brown because number one, she’s from Africa, and number two, she’s full of crap!

It’s easy to punk these scammers. I had one just last night running like a quarterback. Her line was that she had inherited several pounds of gold and, of course, needed to get it out of Ghana. She sent me several nice professional photos. I pretended to be really excited about her pictures. I came on like an old perv, which wasn’t actually all that hard, and it worries me, but I kinda fell into the role, and told her I’d never felt like this! One of the pictures she supposedly “just took” was her, on a couch, covered with a towel. I told her I would love to see her without the towel. She told me how shy she was and then said she had just sent another picture. I got the new picture, different towel, same couch. Ok,then I told her just send me a picture to her looking out the window. After much ado, I finally got a picture of a girl looking through a window. Only problem was the sun was streaming in her face and it was 3AM in Ghana. I pointed this out to “her” and was informed the sun rises very early in Ghana. I couldn’t see that for all the smoke she was blowing up my ass!

If you really want to have some fun, when they tell you to send money via Western Union, get all their information and after an appreciable amount of time send the, a phony confirmation number. In due course they will get back to you and say something’s wrong. “Oh, my bad. I must’ve messed the number up, here.” BOUNCE! Them tell them something’s wrong and you’ve got to go down to the Western union and resend, etc. keep this up until they wise up. When you get the inevitable angry letter about how you betrayed your “love,” just reply, “JACKASS JACKASS!!!!!”

I’m going to keep on punking these bitches, both male or female. They’ve got it coming. I don’t even feel bad about it. But, like the saying goes, there’s a sucker born every minute. Please don’t be a sucker.

All The Eggs In The World

by Wilbur Witt

Back in ’94 I got up one Sunday morning in my office on Westend Avenue in Nashville. I’d done a show at Pennington’s Lounge out on Briley Expressway the night before, and ended the night, or rather welcomed the morning, at the Nashville Palace eating catfish. My Nashville experience was dragging along like so many others. I had an album, but is was comedy, and I was still going head to head with the heavy hitters on Music Square. I hadn’t come to the realization as yet that the album I’d cut as a joke would end up being my saving grace. My serious songs simply would not sell, and I simply would not accept that. The people on the Square wouldn’t even accept a copy of my latest love song, but they would PAY for a copy of my funny ones.

I left the building and began to work my way down Westend to Shoney’s where they had a cheap breakfast, which was nice because it fit right in with songwriters like me. As I walked I heard the bells from the Westend Catholic Church ringing in the distance, and the line from an old Johnny Cash classic came to me, “Down the road I heard a lonely church bell ringing.” As I crossed the street there was a little park, near the Country Music Hall Of Fame, and in that park, just like the song, there was a man swinging a laughing little girl. I stopped.

The man who brought me to Nashville had two daughters. They were both under five years old. The older one was chubby, and made great sport of pushing her younger, smaller sister around. He lived just off Music Square so I easily walked over to his house and asked if I could take the youngest to breakfast. Soon she was riding on my shoulders on her way to Shoney’s. When we got there I sat her down and told her she could eat anything she wanted. Her older sister would steal from her plate at every chance. She looked around and saw the food buffet.

“I want eggs.”

“That’s all?” I asked her.


“You can have anything you want.”

“I want all the eggs in the world!”

She ate eggs for an hour. I took her home. Time and years went by. In 2010 this same little girl was living with me. She had a horrendous marriage to my son which cost her all of her children. The emotional roller coaster ride had landed her in the state hospital. She had lived in alleys in Detroit, and mansions in Austin, but to look at her you couldn’t tell it. After the kids, her husband, and my wife were gone we found ourselves living together in the lonely big house in Berry Creek she called it a “Pretty Prison.” She had been quite successful on Youtube, but by now the muse had fled, and she was a broken, lonely young mother, missing her life

One morning I decided to treat her. I told her I wanted to take her to breakfast at IHop! She’d never been to an IHop, and was very excited. She even got dressed for the occasion. A girl that ate at a country club was beside herself about a trip to IHop!

We walked in and she looked at the menu. I told her the cafe was famous for its pancakes. What would she like? She looked up from the menu and said, “I want all the eggs in the world.”

“You remember that?”


I sat there and enjoyed watching iJackie eating, “all the eggs in the world.”

To Catch A Nigerian

A Classic Sting
by Wilbur Witt

I got this little jewel this morning. It was so classic I had to do it for today’s blog. The script that this young lady (Mary, what followed was classic. Originally she told me she was from Alabama. During conversation she introduced me to her best friend, Michelle, in LA. This is what is known as a third party confirmation. The mark just KNOWS it’s for real because “best friend” says it is Why would she lie? Unfortunately for them I’ve BEEN to LA, and she knew absolutely nothing about Southern California. Naturally, on the next chat we had Michelle’s grandmother dying (in Austrailia) and poor Michelle had to go there to settle the estate. Now, work with me here, this gets good. It seems Michelle’s father, an international investor, and general man about town, had been killed mysteriously some years ago and poor old granny was holding the family business together in LA, Austrailia, and (you guessed it), Africa!

Michelle told me all about it, even asking my advice on where to put this vast fortune she had just inherited. She told me that she was taking Mary (my new girl friend) with her down under to give her support in this time of need. So, they “embark” on the journey. Important point here nothing is as it seems. They aren’t going anywhere they’re not even in the United States . Mary did a test run at me just after she “arrived” in Austrailia, which I fended off. Naturally, she went to plan “B” blowing that off. That picture in that Tux’ll do it every time. So, I continued to receive occasional notes from her on Yahoo, even one where she got angry and yet again, vowed her undying love for me. Amusing point; Like “Mary,” I was working several subjects during this time and actually got her mixed up with another girl in Ghana I was punking at the time, and sent the wrong chats and emails to each. Good ol Mary didn’t miss a beat, she just kept working the script.

Her “return” date approached. (Suspense music please) According to her, she and Michelle were returning to “the state” on Friday. Now, I know there are people in the deep South who butcher the English language, but coming back to the “state?” Give me a break! I knew the sting could not be far off, but I didn’t know it would be this classic. It has all of the elements. Confirmation from a third party, international intrigue, vast sums of unclaimed money, and a sudden crises that involves MY money.

Although she claimed Michelle, who allegedly booked a flight for herself and Mary all the way from LA to Austrailia, was settling her granny’s estate, a miracle happened. They spent all their money on Granny’s health needs and now have nothing to eat! Now, she either was too stupid to keep up with the script, or she had me mixed up with another Mark. She needed $500. Of course, if you will note, she typed 500$. And, now this gets good, you cant make this up, are you following me, camera guy? Icouldn’t send it to her, I had to send it to where? You guessed it . . .AFRICA! Seems Michelle has this lawyer there who, in a few hours, will provide me with a Western Union address so he can receive the funds and of course, buy poor Mary and Michelle a Big Mac.

Ok, decoding time. There is no Mary or Michelle. They are working out of an Internet cafe, probably in Nigeria, though I have noticed Ghana is beginning to play predominately in this game lately. The “lawyer,” who is thrown in for legitimacy, and respectability, and a little more third party confirmation,is actually their pimp. There are so many holes in her script you could strain spaghetti with it. The sad thing is older men fall for this every day. They are robbed and left broken. I’m going to continue this series. When one of these people troll me I’m going to bait them and out it all up here. We may start a whole new series. Like To Catch A Predator, we’ll call it, To Catch a Nigerian, or something like that.

There are good people on the net. I have two friends, Sharon in England, and Crystal in LA. Sharon talks about various subjects, never money, and Crystal regularly visits Michael Jackson’s grave. Also, Crystal and I had a text conversation on Facebook during the Conrad Murray trial and let me tell you, brothers and sisters,,this girl was MAD! I have much respect for both of them as I do others I meet here. The rule is so simple. When a woman you never met asks for money it is a sting. One red cent! Never lose sight of that.

“Mary” is shown in the following with no brackets. I put Around my responses. My comments are in () If you will note she never drops the script. When I hesitate she sends the old Yahoo BUZZZZ, which copies and pastes as This is either because she is too ignorant of the English language, or she’s working too many “marks” at one time to sort it out. In the end she falls back on “our love” but apparently the pimp CAN read and she finally signed off. Just as I did with the other three yesterday I finally told her who I was and exactly what I was doing. I don’t expect to hear from “Mary” again!

Maestro, Intro music please!


hello hon how are you doing today hope you are doing good….i’m happy that u are online now because we need to chat on some issue right now wilbur are you there i’m waiting here for u

hon talk to me i have missed you

hope u are fine oh hon i was just thinking of you since what are you doing right now hon

k hon i need to tell you somethings about me and michelle i have been waititng on here for u wilbur?

michelle have sign some of the document and we have received some of her dad document also but we have not collecting the check……hon i have spend the money on me with michelle and she also dont have much with her right away because we have use almost the money for her grand-ma treatment? (She originally went to BURY Granny!)

(Note that she ignores this question and continues the sting)

so i need you to help me out right away we need to get some food stuff and somethings also….so we will be planing to come beck to the state on sunday then i will come and neet u on my way coming back to the stat

hon why did you go off dont you love me again wilbur hon talk to me

(I went “off” because I was laughing and copying and pasting at the same time)

(Ok, I’m an asshole and at this point I’m trolling HER!)


i know hon but please we dont have food stuff at all right away. (Now I really believe she’s short of food. That’s why she’s whoring on the Internet)

hon the money i need right away is not much… are the only one i will ask no more other person wilbur i have put my mind on you and i have promise to it’s you or no other person wilbur please i need 500$ hon will you make that send to me (totally ignored what I just said. Her comprehension of English is so bad that she canNOT deviate from the script.)

i know the money maybe too much for you to send to me at this time but hon i need that by tomorrow you will make it send through western union? will you send that tomorrow with my information wilbur are you there

hon i will send you michelle lawyer’s information to your inbox….. he has some africa country info
(Heeeeeeere’s JOHNNY!)

you know i dont have any information in africa the lawyer have so u will send it through his info…..but i will send is info to your email, in some hours when he send it to me (Now this is Michelle’s lawyer, handing the disposition of a vast international estate, and Michelle doesn’t have any contact information? Also, aren’t there Western Unions in Austrailia?)

michelle just call him now to send his info hon ….i will also make it send to you immediately he send that to us wilbur will you be on here for like two hours hon are you still there (Michelle just “call” him? Two hours? What does he have to do, crawl up on a hill and beat out a message on a drum? Forgive me . . .I’m just a simple ol boy from Austin.)

(Bait Bait!)

ok hon….i will make the info send to you in some hours please i want you to send it to me when you get the lawyer’s info…..i will also be online to know if you have make it send to me tomorrow

*Ok, at this point I went ahead and punked her. I certainly didn’t have the time to wait while she finished her shift in the call center, turned in her daily report so her team leader could process my money.*

oh hon why are you saying this i’m not what you think…..i was here because of my good friend michelle not because of asking you money but i just think i should ask you if it’s that the issue of money wilbur u can take hold to your money am not after ur money i have put all my mind and trust to you but you fallen my heart


i’m not happy with you i though i have found who will love me and trust me but you make me said and cry all what am doing was just becuase of you i just dont want you to made any mistakes if you want to send that, that was why i said 500$ i add $ because i dont want u to made a mistake if you feel that am not real you can hold your money i will find a way but if i cant get i will wait till the lawyer come back you promise you will trust me,you also said you will be honest with me but now i cant even figure what is going on?

Roll the credits, fade to black to the theme from Exodus

What’s going on is a classic sting. Also, please be aware, these people are NOT spending the money on food. Before you feel sorry for this girl consider what I told her. In these times anyone soliciting money from another country is suspect. In WWII the saying was, “Loose lips sink ships.” Today “Loose wallets kill little boys in Boston watching their daddy run a marathon!” With all the hundreds, thousands, millions of dollars sent overseas each year like this, don’t you think some of it buys bullets, guns, pressure cookers? If you were a terrorist, and you wanted to spirit funds out of the US to the Middle East, how would you do it. Would you set up an account at Bank of America, or would you just get a lonely old man to send you $500 via Western Union? I’m going to continue this series. When one of these girls trolls me I’m going to document it and give it to you. Until then have a wonderful day, and God Bless!

The Owner’s Guide For Internet Girlfriends

No Fool Like An Old Fool (Unless you pick Weird Wilbur)
by Wilbur Witt

I’ve touched on this subject before, but I think a revisiting is in order. As you may, or may not know, recently I ramped up my friends list on Facebook. I was creating a base of readers who were genuinely interested in reading my opinions. Well, it worked, and now the friends keep coming as more and more people read and tell their friends about me, and I do appreciate that. That having been said, as with all things there is always a side effect. It seems that a few of my contacts are young women who view me as a horny old fool. The story is always the same. They are in a situation somewhere in Africa. Mom, dad, or grandparents have recently died and they have to go there to settle their affairs. Once they touch base with you, you become the love of their life. If you’re stupid enough to respond they will hit you so hot and heavy you won’t have time to check your email.

Now, you guys know me. I’m a decent, or fairly decent guy. I’ll talk to anyone, but when one of these Piranhas hits I consider it a fishing trip. They get all personal and I just let them spread their wings. The truly funny thing is that I never lie. I tell them my exact situation and they just keep on striking, which means they either can’t read English very well, or they are so caught up in their trolling script they can’t deviate, which spells Internet cafe with lots of girls working the web. For those of you not versed in this vocation, there are people who set up computers in a coffee shop and the girls troll the web looking for old fools.

The business model is always the same.
1) Make initial contact
2) Become familiar with the mark, and by that I mean VERY familiar!
Words like “love” “honey” “lonely” and an abundance of sexual
innuendo, designed to knock the victim out of his wheelchair.
3) Introduce an issue they are going through. And it always
involves international intrigue.
4) Pictures pictures pictures. This is where it gets funny with me.
I make videos and I get some of the hottest shots of Asian
chicks you’ve ever seen. I use the pictures. Yes, I’m an
asshole. Please make note that the pictures you get are
most likely NOT the girl you are communicating with. Frankly
I recently received a series of photos and I thought, “DAYUM!
No WAY this girl is single!”
5) They suddenly have a need for funds. This is the first grab. If you
balk they will either move on to greener pastures
or go to step 6.
6) The call for help evolves with the crisis in their life
involving some “settlement,” “inheritance,” whatever, but in
order to complete their business, and the sting, they need . . .
7) Your account number!

Now, I’m not going to insult the intelligence of my readers, but if you are that hard up, and stupid enough to give an Internet girl friend your bank account information send ME the money, I’ll put it into the music business and I’ll even have Frenchi do a lap dance for you. Hell! We might even get a hit, and you’ll make a little change. Remember, the rules are simple. Nothing is as it seems. If it sounds too good to be true then it probably isn’t. Only get involved with women you can see and touch. It’s so simple. I had no less than three of these girls talking to me at one time this morning, all following exactly the same script, hell, I felt like they were all in the same room sharing notes! They all hit me with the same sting at the same time, and when I told them that my son, Master Chief Wilbur had my passwords and read all my communications they all had somewhere to go and promptly signed off!

It makes me very angry when people take advantage of people who are lonely and alone. They think the girl might be so down and out that maybe their Social Security check will buy them love. So they send money and eat cat food while they read the bull shit that dribbles back over the net. Fact is that’s not me. I’m successful, surrounded by beautiful girls, drive a Mercedes, and am working on my fourth book and music for a band cutting an album. And I TELL these women this. Only problem is that they’re so busy following the script they don’t take time to read. If you think these things don’t happen just have a look at this copy and paste from a note I got just today. . .

lol. thats my mums plantation down here.i just spoke to my mums lawyer today and according to her WILL she left some to huge amount of GOLD in my name,from her gold bussiness and i am praying to have it and bring it so that we can start a new life there eventhough iwas thinking of selling it here before i come back but i dont think i can get the right price here,as my love and soulmate i just want to know what you think,whether to bring it up there if only i can get a good price there or sell it here before coming back…take care and pls say a big HI to the kids for me.Hope to hear your reply soon my love..ok.

Crazy! Or the loss of literacy in the technological world

by Wilbur Witt

Ok boys and girls this is pet peeve Monday, and I have a pet peeve that just gripes my ass! Illiteracy, moreover, ignorance, and more than that, simple comprehension, that when absent displays rampant stupidity! If you got past those introductory lines you are one of the special few, and I put them in there to weed out the people who will never understand this article. Shall we continue?

Now, I don’t mean to brag, but I’m a pretty literate guy. I’ve made some change writing songs which means that I am versed in making my point in about sixteen lines and they have to have meter, and they have to rhyme. If you transfer that ability to prose you can quickly see that I can communicate with my readers on a level that is clear, entertaining, and articulate. When I write an article such as this I will read, and re-read it many times, checking for such things as punctuation, spelling, the basic idea, and, oh yes, the dreaded auto-complete that stalks us all in this modern era. I sent a text to a young lady last week where I THOUGHT I’d said, “You need to spread your wings and fly,” and what she got was, “You need to spread your legs and cry!” GoodBYE girlfriend!

We are all aware of the shortcuts in texting such as LOL, or TTYL, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. What irritates me is people who cannot read with comprehension, causing me to have to restate the simplest ideas over and over again. Example of this (and this JUST happened) is I text a girl telling her, “He is in a state of big time denial and reality is going to wake him up.” Now that’s pretty straight up, or at least I thought it was. I’m making a simple observation about a man who is not accepting facts as they truly are, and, as with us all, the reality of the situation will come upon him. I get a response back, and folks, I’m going to quote here, “Big Time What?” I had to text her back three times explaining what the word “denial” meant! This lady has words reserved on her iPhone so that she doesn’t have to type much. One of the words is “crazy,” and that’s her usual response to everything. I say, “They arrested so and so,” “Crazy.” We may go to war in Syria,” “Crazy.” “It looks like rain today,” “CRAZY!” So, you can clearly see when you send a three syllable word, such as “denial” to such a person, right away you run into problems . . .crazy!

We have degenerated down the food chain from, “I would like a Big Mac, order of fries and a Coke,” to “Ug, Grog need food!” it goes further than that. I told this certain person that men get paid so much for doing a particular job, and she comes back with, “Who gets paid!” OMFG! She is so dim witted it defies logic, and I’m going to be up front with you, I rarely use any composition rules beyond what I learned in Miss Hornbuckle’s eighth grade English class. And she’s not the only one. In simple speech I will have to do the same thing. I will patiently explain over and over again until I lose it, turn on my best Rush Limbaugh voice and say, “I’m going to the store to buy BEER.”

I think there should be a test you have to take to join any social media service. You need to prove you can understand simple commands. My DOG can do that. Come, go, don’t piss on the floor, things like that. You should be aware of your surroundings, the world, and state of affairs. A little knowledge of history would be nice. Simple questions like, “Who is Hillary Clinton, and who is she married to?” Or, “If you have five rocks, and you smoke one, how many do you have left?” Another, “What was the race of Malcolm X?” We won’t even touch the Gettysburg Address because it’s more than 64 letters long and contains multi-syllable words and it would be unfair to put that much on them at one time.

Maybe there will be a resurgence of literacy, and understanding, but I’m afraid until then it’ll all just be. . . “Crazy!”